Things are well, life is good

Two months cohabitation and I'm impressed.

I say this hours after he helped me realize my showerhead fantasy that I've had since I was about 12.

*swoon*

I laugh - WFT/not posted

It amuses me how people react when they find out that I don’t have a car. Yes, I’m poor. I have no assets, few material possessions. My clothes are old and out of fashion. Look down upon me if you choose. I don’t care. I stand at the bus stop and I giggle. 

Four years ago my annual income was approximately $120,000. I drove a $50,000 car, fully decked out. I owned my own home which I furnished with custom made furniture. Every single thing in my condo -with the exception of a couple of pictures and mirrors- was new and not cheap. I had facials and pedicures and manicures and vacations; I had cash in the bank, credit cards with $30,000 spending limits, investments and $10,000 in cash sitting in my safe deposit box. On the surface every thing in my life was going great, I was living beyond my hopes and ambitions.

And I was miserable. 

I absolutely hated my life. With the exception of the best best friend and best little sister ever in the history of the world, I cared about nothing and no one. I isolated myself from most of my friends, I could barely tolerate my family. I had sex periodically but I didn’t date. I got stoned every single evening. I hated getting up in the morning and I hated going to bed at night.

That was when I was a toe length away from believing my father’s philosophy that life was a shit sandwich and you had to take a bite every day. I wanted to fall in love, but believed no one would ever be able to tolerate me. My desire to have a child was never stronger, but I knew that would never happen for me. I resigned myself to the fact that I would most likely be alone for the rest of my life and told my nephew that he would probably have to change my diapers in my old age because I genuinely believed there would be no one else to do it. I knew that I could survive but I had no idea what it meant to be truly happy. 

But a part of me couldn’t let go of the belief that I was missing something. No matter how many times I had tried to turn things around, no matter how many times I’d failed, something in me still believed things could be better. And I didn’t want to continue on the path I was on. I would sacrifice everything just to know for sure… one way or another. 

Jeff on fatherhood

I found out I was going to be a father.

My ex and I had discussed that she may be pregnant based on symptoms. So she went to the doctor to get it checked (I am not really sure why we just didn’t buy a home test).

And somewhere around noon she came home walked in the door looked at me and nodded. She smiled and said “You’re going to be a daddy”.

According to her I got a look on my face that said I wanted to run away, she said I reinforced this by looking at the window in a way that she said looked like I was measuring it to see if I could fit.

But the truth is not once did I consider running or escape. I was in shock for the first while. I was 36, an addict and drunk. I was lost and tumbling. Truth is I came to this town to kill myself. Just go hard for a few months and shut it down. I felt completely shocked and stunned. Blindsided by this strange new twist. Hell I didn’t even think I was healthy enough to make a child. But never, not once did I think ‘Man I got to get out of here!’.

Instead I stopped. I took measure and weighed the situation. I knew two things for certain. And one other thing seemed likely, but not entirely possible. Certainly I had to change how I lived. And within a couple weeks I had quit smoking (22 years and I quit cold turkey, my 5th year as a non-smoker is in a couple years) and within a few months I quit the drug abuse and alcohol abuse. The other certain thing I knew. I had no clue whatsoever what being a good father was. When I was younger I idealized it, telling people “Man someday I am gonna have kids and never the same stupid crap my parents did!”. So I had to figure out pretty quick how to learn to be a good father. It wasn’t going to be a turn the page change, I knew that. But I needed to open myself to the turn. And I did.

The last thing I thought may probably happen, did happen. Ruby’s mother and I wouldn’t stay together. Call me stupid and irresponsible. But I knew we were just doing time. There was a part of me that wanted to be wrong about that and beat the odds. But it didn’t look good. And sure enough. Before the baby was 1 I was moving out. I’d try again to make it work but couldn’t.It just was not going to happen. I like to believe that we came together to make the most amazing little girl in the world. And having done that fate said we needed to move on. And though it was crazy and rough at first. We have moved on.

5 years ago today my life changed. Forever. I can’t remember what it really was like to not be someones father. Though for months after she was born I walked around stupefied and mumbling to myself “I can’t believe I’m someones dad…What the hell???”.

And I am here and alive because of her. Because she gave me a reason to stay. To fight. Sometimes I believe Ruby means more to me than the average person, because she saved my life, because she gave a lost and broken man something to point himself at. Sometimes I think the average parent cannot understand that for me every kiss and every hug is a blessing, every time she calls me Daddy is grace. I owe her more than I can ever give back. What she has given me cannot even be measured.

I am the luckiest man in the world.

Positive to negative

It's like a magnetic attraction, positive to negative, as soon as I am in your orbit I am pulled toward you with a force I can't control. I need to touch you; not necessarily feel with hands, just to be near you. I can't explain it and I don't understand it but I feel better when you are around. I draw strength from you and a little of that energy lasts a long time. But when I run out of the energy, when I'm feeling weak, I need you. And I hate needing. Needing something gives it power over you and lets it control you. And I've never allowed myself to need anything or anyone. Most of the time I don't even think about it, I give into it and take what I need. Sometimes I pretend it doesn't exist and try to live without it. Sometimes I fight against it, I struggle and pull away. But the longer I'm away from it, the more I need it and inevitably I will give in and try to get it back.

I understand what you said about drinking, how it is the only time you can let go and relax. That's how I feel when I lay in bed with your arms around me. It's like the breath just seeps from my body and a warmth engulfs me. 

That's enough. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now.

Con'td

And why do I worry about this shit all the time? Obviously it isn't something I can just fix in a moment. Am I going to ruin the day crying about the crusty rags in his laundry basket? Can't I let it go and let it work itself out?

Also, I'm getting sloppy again. The way I look and dress when I'm home wouldn't exactly turn him on. But I'm not going to live all made up in a bra, either. I'm sure there's a happy medium out there somewhere. Who would feel like coming on to someone who looks like me right now?

Point taken, self. Point taken.

*sigh*

Is it ever going to change?

This is our issue and it's always going to be our issue, isn't it? I mean, it's one I can live with to a degree, it's not a deal breaker, but issues are what tear people apart.

Intimacy. Touching. I know, it will take time. He's not intentionally stand-offish but he is. And now that I'm working we barely see each other and it's only getting worse. I don't know how to handle this, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

We are both servicing our own sexual needs. We don't touch. We don't kiss. He gets frustrated when I comment on it and does something silly like pinch my nipple or lick my cheek but I really don't think he gets it. And I don't know how to communicate it. I don't want to communicate it because it just causes trouble. But if I sit here and don't say anything, it will be worse.

Fuck. I just want a hand on my knee sometimes, you know? Is that too much to ask?

Sometimes I just want to record the things he writes

Yesterday morning

10 Truths from The Back of the Room

Been thinking about life much lately. Mine, ours, the ones that are gone. Ones that will go soon. And I have realized there’s a lot of wisdom I have gathered from the hard lived life. So in that vein and being vain, I’ll share a bit.

1. Take care of your yourself first. Always look out for what is best for you. You can never ever be any good to anything or anyone else if you are broken down and busted. Emotionally, mentally or physically. This is not being selfish to care first for yourself, it’s being smart.
2. Never believe what people tell you they are. Instead watch and learn. In silence we speak. Virtue and vice reveals itself. If a person tells you they are something often times it is just because they want you to believe they are that. Often these are false attributes that are either put-ons have very little depth.
3. Listen to the message, not the messenger. Hear what is being said. Sometimes the truth is being told to us by the people we least want to hear it from.
4. Just because it feels good does not mean it’s right. I have seen a lot of people do a lot of damaging and downright stupid things because it felt good to them. All the while proclaiming they are living life the way they want.
5. Conversely. Never ever rob someone of a mistake. The worst wrong we can do to someone else is to take away from them the learning that can come from making an error. 
6. Mercy is not always what we think or want it to be. Remember this. People suffer in many different ways. And any relief they find, while you may find it hard to understand or even find it condemnable, is a mercy. Don’t damn someone for trying to find peace, the world is a hard place.
7. The good are always outnumbered by the bad. So when you find good always raise a flag. Always give it praise. Always show gratitude. Turn that basket off the lamp. Let a light shine.
8. Love is never easy. Never. But it’s always worth it.
9. Don’t get tied down to what you think you should be, where you should be or who you should be. Always be ready to change. To move. Transcendence is change above and beyond what we expected. Don’t spend too much time grieving what you thought would be. That can quickly turn into a black spot on your soul and that black spot can become cancerous. So many of the lost ones out there are lost because they never let go.
10. Everyday tell someone you love them, tell someone you care, tell someone they count. It may seem a silly exercise. But you may be the lone warm voice they hear. You may be the one little light in a bleak time. It isn’t too hard. You may save a life. In my darkest times I would remember the words and gestures of the people who said I mattered and who showed me I counted. These people said to me “Your life is worth something” and while it may not have kept me from living my life hard. It kept me from forgetting, I don’t have to live like this.

Meditate on it.

Yesterday afternoon

Bev

I am proud of her!

I love her and I am always inspired by her.

Today she got some great news…I ain’t saying…

But…I am proud of her.

Today 

Have I mentioned today

How much I love my missus and I am proud of her.

I got two very special women in my life a little girl and a woman who counts.

That’s all a man needs.

He said:

Over the last year and a bit Bev and I have had a crazy journey. But here we are. And it’s good, I love her. In fact I am in love with her.

By next Christmas we will be married. I will marry her because I am committed to her and us. The only thing I will ever put before her is my child and she accepts that wholly which is one of many reasons why I want to spend my life with her.

We are so different in so many ways. But we mesh like to gears, Where I am a void she is cog. And vice versa.

And sexually it’s pretty damn amazing. At 40 I never expected to have this kind of sex and this much. I am suppose to be slowing down but instead I am doing the opposite.

But more than anything else, I feel like I am home when I am with her. After 40 years of wandering, that is something I cannot forsake.

Even if I do want to choke her right now for throwing out all my saved restaurant condiments. Man she done me wrong! I ate chicken strips without leftover KFC dips.

Damaged - WFT

One of the most difficult times in life that few people seem to acknowledge is the moment when everything is falling into place. When dreams are being realized, hurdles are cleared and fairy tales are finally coming true.

That’s the moment we are the most vulnerable, it’s when the fall would be the greatest and cause the most damage. 

And I think that’s when most mistakes are made. That’s when the seeds of future regrets are planted.

What is it that makes us expect and prepare for the worst instead of believing and looking for the best?

I have spent about 25 years making sure that I never really trusted or counted on anyone but myself. Who knows where it started but I trace it back to the moment I was so completely confident in someone. And he told me he didn’t want me anymore. And I laughed at the joke that wasn’t a joke at all.

The joke has been on me ever since.

I wonder how many relationships I have run from since that day, how many friendships have I ruined, how many potential loves have been lost. I wonder how much of this damage I have actually created all by myself while I was trying to protect myself from the possibility of being damaged.

Of course, my logical adult mind tells me it’s okay to have faith now. I am well aware that I can survive even the worst tragedy. But I guess it’s human nature to try to foresee and avoid the pain before it hits.

The real problem is this: what if the pain we think we are avoiding is actually pain we’ve been holding from our past? And how does one possibly let it go? 

Truthful Tuesday - WFT

• I’ve been mentally composing an “it’s the end of the month and I need cash bad” email to my mother for days now. Just going over and over it in my head. I can’t describe to you how much asking for help bothers me… asking for financial help turns my guts into knots and brings tears to my eyes. But I have no choice. I just hope this is the last time I’ll have to do this. 
• Over the past week or so I’ve realized that touch is the most important aspect for me in a romantic relationship. Not necessarily sex -although I’m always game- but touching in even the slightest way. I have silently yearned for it my whole life. Again, simply asking for it is beyond difficult and my unfortunate tendency is to overcompensate and pull away. 
• Speaking of touching, I still feel this electric-like current when I’m near him. Even doing something as simple as putting my hand on his arm while he’s sleeping fills me with the oddest calming-excitement I’ve ever experienced. The flip side of that is the sense of loss I feel when he pulls away.
• Sometimes I think I’m the best girlfriend ever; other times I can’t figure out how he puts up with me. 
• But it’s his own damn fault for making me fall in love with him. 
• Getting that job yesterday was quite a relief. Even though it’s part time and I don’t expect to stay there long, it broke the seal. It’s a start and it renewed my faith that good things are coming.
• I’ve been exceptionally sensitive and teary the past few days. The pharmacy here gave me a different brand of birth control than the one I’ve been using for more than a decade. I wonder if that has something to do with it. 
• Fucking hormones are bullshit. 
• My friend found us a good quality mattress pad and is bringing it over tomorrow night. I hope it helps because the mattress we are using is absolutely killing me. From chest to butt, I am in so much pain when I wake up I can barely roll over. 
• I think I’ve said everything I wanted to say so this is just for a nice round 10 bullet point balance. Thanks for playing. 

Weird

It's weird. During the past couple of weeks I have thought about, considered, and actually attempted sucking my thumb for the first time in years. Not that I'll get back into the habit, I just think about it a lot. I catch myself almost opening my mouth, craving whatever kind of comfort it was that I got from it. Can you believe I did that at every possible moment for more than 37 years? Crazy.

I also think about getting high frequently. And I eat constantly when I'm home alone. I think it's coping mechanisms. Those are the things that I did for all of those years. The food has always been an issue and, once I got my thumb out of my mouth, I replaced it with a joint. Same soothing sensation. Same sense of calm and comfort.

We're doing okay again now. We talked earlier and I explained the touch. It was hard. It was really hard and he had to pull it out of me. But it's out there and I think he gets it to a degree. He has been attentive since.

We also talked about his Tumblr post. I commented that it was about him pushing me away but he said I should read it again because he was saying the exact opposite. It's so hard for him to let go and trust in us. He said that every day when he comes home he half expects me to be gone. And that the feeling will continue for a long time. But I asked if he understood that I would be more apt to stay if he treated me well.

He asked me what I wanted. Like, literally said the words. I think that's the first time anyone has ever done that. Such a simple thing... I bet he has no idea of the positive impact it has made on our relationship.

All in all, through the struggles and getting to know each other, I never even consider leaving him. These are things that we need to go through; we are learning and, as long as we keep trying, I think we're going to be fine.

Weird.

Re: He said

I don't know what I'm supposed to make of this. I asked if he was trying to break up with me again. He said I was dumb and it was the opposite. Fuck, relationships are hard.

He said:

I don’t like caring about anyone (this can include my child at times honestly), I don’t like loving someone or needing someone. When I say I don’t like needing someone I don’t mean that bullshit “I can do it myself” ego trip. Those people who proclaim that bug the hell out of me because it’s all fluff. Everyone needs someone. On some level. But what I mean is that I don’t like needing a person in my life because I have grown to care and I am comforted by them and I accept them inside. And when they are not there there is an absence somewhere inside. That need.

Opening up and letting someone in. Even saying I love you or telling them you care or that you think of them. It takes a lot of risk, it takes the power away from me. I hate that feeling. It almost feels like I am saying “Here’s my blood and heart and you can carry it or you can throw it away”. Or the world can beat on it and tear it apart. The universe can kill my hope and the faith that I put in the words “I love you, you matter and I care.”

My life has been tough by any measure. It’s been full of pain, loss and hurt. And caring, believing and offering myself up seems to be nothing but courting more of the same. It’s a dismal view. But it’s the truth. Because in my life it has been the truth. People have shelf lives and due dates, deaths and deteriorating orbits. Love is a temporary respite and something to watch bloom and die. Like a flower that comes with a season. 

This is hard for me. You’d not know it from what you’ve read from me. Or seen here. But it’s easy to shave off words and give it to you piecemeal. It’s talking the talk…Walking it…That’s something else. For a man used to living alone and in his head. Life has pushed me inside. And coming out again is hard. Someone used to their own silence takes a long time to speak in any voice that can be heard.

But I am speaking. Just some days you got to listen harder than others.

It feels like there a million things I want to say, or should say or I think of saying. It just feels like lifting two tonne boulders to get them out.

It’s the song of a lonely man.

Suddenly

I don't know why I'm so suddenly against him in so many ways. He came to bed last night, I made a point of not touching him. I'm not cleaning up his dishes or the mess he left in the living room. I just don't give a shit. To be honest, I could move out tomorrow.

Except I know these feelings aren't permanent. As soon as he came into the room and asked if I wanted to come out and watch a movie yesterday, my whole demeanor changed. Of course, then it changed back when he spent the whole time sleeping and didn't even touch me.

Karl was wrong. I'm not some sex-crazed horny person, I just want to be touched. A hand on the shoulder, a toe in the ear. I want to be acknowledged and appreciated. Is that so bad?

Touched

The most important aspect of any romantic relationship for me is touch. I need it. It doesn't have to be constant sex, I'm not looking for constant cuddles or to be overwhelmed with someone constantly in my face. But touch. Just to sit there touching shoulders, to sleep with an arm around me, to be kissed and hugged. Touch.

I don't get touched much these days. Especially when he's doing his three day shift. He leaves before six, gets home after seven, goes to bed when I get up at about nine, gets up at noon and, although we sit together and watch tv usually, he is on the futon while I'm on the floor. Sometimes he gets down on the floor and fucks me. This week I was on my period so it was worse than most. So tonight he is off and comatose on the couch. He kissed me on my forehead a few hours ago. That's it. For the whole day.

Why is this bothering me today more than usual? It's not new. I guess I don't want to get used to it but I don't know how to communicate it to him, either. This sucks.

Be careful what you wish for

How do I say this? Hmmm. So, like, what's in it for me? Today we talked. It was a good talk, interesting, informative. I asked him how he is finding our living arrangement so far. I know he's prone to always look at the negative. I know... fuck... I don't know. Am I a complete and total idiot? It's not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Yeah, I guess I'm a complete and total idiot. Be careful what you wish for, idiot.

Meh

I am so tremendously bored with my life right now. The only interesting thing I did today was suck on Jeff's penis. And that was lots of fun but at some point you have to get up and wipe yourself off. It's almost 6pm, he just left for work and I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I'm going to pass the next six hours before I can go to bed. And get up tomorrow and do exactly the same thing.

I could walk up to the liquor store, buy a bottle of wine and maybe grab a burrito on the way back down, but then what. I could rent a movie, but the TV is shit and it feels like a waste of time and money. I could pull my hair out bit by bit, but ouch. Fuck. I've had enough of this. I don't even feel like whining about it anymore.

Yes, I have a couple of interviews this week. I hope and pray that this ends soon. I will do anything... I just want to go out, have something to do, make some money, live my life. It's been far too long. Far too long.

S'up?

Well, hello me. It's been a while. My computer crapped out the day after my last post and was in the shop for two weeks. I was totally eager to get it back but I guess I kind of got used to not writing or nothing was going on since. Most of my online time has been spent looking for a job. And when Jeff isn't at work I'm not on much these days anyway.

Motherfucker I love that man. Like, a lot. He drives me crazy. Up the wall. But I want to be with him every day for the rest of my life. Weird.

The feeling is hard to describe. He doesn't do anything specific that makes me feel that way. He doesn't have to buy me flowers or whisper sweet nothings. That stuff is nice and all but this is so far beyond that. We just fit.

The scary part is recognizing the possibility that he might not feel the same way. But I think he does.

When we speak, we talk in terms of forever. As long as we both shall live. I have more to say than this. It feels overwhelming in a way but so calmly natural at the same time that I don't even feel like writing about it.

So there.

Guess I'll see you during my next crisis.

Bitch

I saw something new in myself since we moved in to the apartment. Well, not new in me, I guess... but a different perspective for sure. I can be a bitch. Not so much in the things I say but in the way I am. We'd been here two full days and he could do nothing right. I didn't yell or scold but in my head I was constantly mad at him for not being the way I expected or wanted. And, although I kept the words inside for the most part, I'm sure the energy of discontent was being translated.

That's not how I want to be, how I want to feel. It's too much work to be pissed off all the time. Where does it get me? Yes, I've been stressed and frustrated about my money situation and the fact that no one will FUCKing hire me for some reason. But that's not his fault. Yes, everything in this place is his because everything I own is still at Debra's. But that's not his fault. Yes, we have different ideas of where things should go and how to decorate. But that's not his fault. He has a much of a right as me to make this into a place where he can be comfortable.

It's frustrating living with someone. It's frustrating living with him. He's not affectionate - although he thinks he is, which means he's probably much more affectionate with me than he's been in the past. And I don't want someone pawing all over me the way Rob did. We'll find our balance. We'll get there. This morning he came home from work and when he came to bed he wrapped himself around me and I thought "Yes! This is what I need, this makes a world of difference."

I like to think I'm easy to please. And I will be much easier to get along with. I just need to work out some of the bugs from previous administration. We'll get there.

Flip

You know, I think I'm going to just have to let him flip out sometimes instead of doing all I can do to avoid it. That's what Mom does with Calvin and she made him into a monster. Jeff is already 10 times beyond what Calvin ever was... and, quite frankly, I don't want to live with that.

But I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to feel anymore pain than he already does. It comes at him from everywhere and I don't want to add to it. I do have to recognize, however, that I also can't take it all away. About 90% of his hurt comes from within him: his assumptions and expectations and over-reactions are all coming from somewhere inside. The rest of it is from his family, Ruby's mom, friends. I don't want to add to it, I don't want to be a source of his hurt.

It will be different when we're living together. Right now I get sensitive about him going on Tumblr but not texting me, I don't know whether I need to be with him or give him space. We are conducting this relationship through a wi-fi network. I'm not saying there won't be problems when we live together. I'm not that innocent - I know we will have new and probably bigger problems for a while. But these ones in particular will be gone.

I need to stop over-analyzing this. I need to move forward and do my best, I need to make adjustments along the way, I need to accept that I can't control everything. He is his own person, his life experience is a million miles away from my own -the good and the bad- and he is going to deal with things in his way. We are two separate people, together but still apart.

Work?

Today I'm supposed to meet with the landlords at our new place. But I don't want to.

I lied when I filled out the application and said that I work at Kelsey's. I thought I would, that was Saturday and I honestly thought I would get the job on Monday. Now it's Saturday again and I am still unemployed. And I have less hope of finding something half decent than ever. It will be hard to put a smile on my face. Especially if they ask me about work.

Fears

My greatest fear is that loving him the way I do will make things worse instead of better. I mean my giving without receiving, loving without asking for much in return. He flips out so easily and, I admit, I do and say things I don't particularly want to do and say so that I can keep the peace.

But honestly, one thing I rarely question is whether or not I want to be with him. I don't even understand why I don't question it most of the time.

He just makes me ache. His life and his pain squeeze my heart so much that all I want to do is squeeze him back. Even though, by that point, he's usually running in the other direction.

I think something important that I've learned is we are ever changing. If he's being a jerk, it doesn't mean he is a jerk or he's going to be a jerk all the time. He's just being a jerk right now. And there's usually a reason for it - although sometimes it's just the fact that he's being selfish.

Maybe that's the worry. That my giving will only make him more selfish. And that I will have to pay the price for that selfishness.

When I tell him that I love him, does he feel he deserves that love? Has he earned it? Or am I just some fool who throws around her love like a charity. Although he does feel as if he deserves charity.

It's going to come to a head soon and it's not going to be pretty.

Harder than hard

This is so fucking hard. I mean, I knew it would be but actually going through it is a whole lot different than imagining the concept of it. No money, no car, no means to prepare or store healthy food. Shit everywhere, a man that is distant and confrontational at best. No fucking job, no fucking life. 

I know it will get better. I don't doubt it for a second. That doesn't make going through this part much easier, though. 

And my head hurts from banging it on Julie's aunt's car yesterday. And I am losing my mind.

Just let it out

Did I tell you I deleted my Tumblr? Yeah, Jeff deleted his the other day after he flipped out about me getting upset about the helmet comment. So, in an act of solidarity, I deleted mine, too. He set a new one up immediately. I did not.

All I was doing on there was flirting back and forth with him, anyway. It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will. Since we've been back together I thought there would be a point where I stopped my account and let the Tumblr be his thing. It's his best means of socialization and human interaction. And here we are.

"It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will." Want to get into that comment a little deeper? Probably not... but too bad, future me!

When we first got together, I figured I'd move to Barrie in September. We discussed me coming sooner, like in June, but I wasn't really comfortable with that. I'd made a commitment to my mother and I wanted to keep it. In the meantime we broke up several times, we stopped speaking, we dated other people, I honestly thought that he hated my guts and would never speak to me again. And after all of that, I moved to Barrie in September.

After our visit in February, I told him that I wanted to break up for a while. I felt that he needed to get through some stuff on his own just so he would be able to see that he could. His whole life people were putting him in hospitals and jail and on the street so he never learned that he could actually get through bad times on his own. It was hard on him, it was hard on us, and he does bring it up when he gets mad at me and asks if I'm going to leave and just come back when all the bad stuff is over. But what I hoped would happen happened. He got through it and he is a different person because of it. He's stronger, more confident in himself and I think he recognizes his worth as a human being.

The apartment. Turned out exactly as I expected. In every way. Even after I thought I'd have to compromise and adjust, we got what we were looking for. Just like my apartment in Cloverdale. Just like my job at The Renaissance. Just like when I left Joe's. Just like when I moved to Debra's. Just like when I moved to Mom and Dad's. So weird.

Anyway, I'm not retelling all of this stuff because I think I'm awesome and amazing (although I will admit I do). I'm trying to remind myself that things work out in the end. The road getting there might be -and usually is- quite different than expected. But I still get there.

I need to get a job. It's weighing on me. Financially, emotionally and now I'm just kind of getting a complex. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I've been stuck on that for too long. I'm not doing anything wrong, I just need to keep trying. I can't see myself anywhere definite yet and it's making me falter. I don't know which way to turn. I know I need to adjust but adjust how? Where? To what?  I can't find my course. And I think that's what's bothering me the most.

Bankrupt/Bankfucked

So, the scenario is my bankruptcy gets discharged in March. Right now I have the potential of getting hired for two jobs (haha), one paying $35,000 and the other possibly $50,000. If I get the one paying $50,000 they could extend my bankruptcy for another fucking year!

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of . I mean, I get that if I start making more money my creditors should be paid more, too. I have no problem with that. But to be under the stigma and limitations of bankruptcy for another year because I'm turning my life around? That's bullshit.

They said that, because my income has been $0 since June, it probably wouldn't make a difference. Probably. But they can't tell me until after I'm actually making the money and then it's too late. And the guy says "god forbid, then you could always quit the job". WHAT THE FUCK???

Yeah, I'm probably blowing this out of proportion but it's bullshit and it smells like it. Fuck me.

Stress

Yeah, getting kind of stressed about this whole job situation. I've had a couple of interviews with Kelsey's restaurant but I get the feeling they're just stringing me along now. Sue is bringing my resume to her HR chick today, they are looking for managers in Newmarket. Which could be pretty cool because I would make way more money, better hours and a half hour commute in which to wind down and sing before I get home.

When I was telling Jeff about the opportunity yesterday I realized something. Something that I already knew but really stood out because he was in a mood. Two things. He is always going to see the negative first. And he's pretty much always going to be in a mood.

Little miss positivity that I am, I really have no problem with that. I need someone who sees the other side of things -as I tend to miss the negative at first- and we usually start at different ends of the spectrum and meet somewhere in the middle. I guess I'm okay with him being in a mood most of the time as long as he gets over this bullshit of blaming me first.

The majority of arguments we have begin with him flipping out at me and me not able to figure out what the fuck is going on. Usually, though, it comes out that what is weighing on him is something entirely different than where he starts. I get that, the whole subconsciousness and all. I hope that he stops blaming me. But I guess that's just a pipe dream.

We'll figure it out. We have the important stuff, the base. The rest is going to take some work. But I don't doubt that we'll get there. And who wants easy, anyway?

Peace

It’s strange how different I feel when I’m in my own space. There’s a certain peace that comes over me, the same peace that I feel when I’m with Jeff. (I guess that’s how I knew I could live with him.)  It’s a comfort that I just can’t achieve when I’m in someone else’s home - even my own parent’s. No matter how much I appreciate someone’s generosity, no matter how much they try to make me feel welcome, there’s a part of me that will never quite settle.

Since I gave up my apartment and left BC almost exactly two years ago, I have lived with Debra and Andrew; Mom, Dad, Calvin and David; Mom and Calvin; Susan, her Jeff, Jaden, Rylan and Keyerah. Three homes, eleven people, 2 years, no peace.

Now I’m about to move in with Jeff. He isn’t going to make this easy on me. He’s a dick when he wants his own way and he’s a terror when he gets worked up over something. But he’s also the man I love more than anyone in the world. Even though sometimes I suspect he’ll be the death of me.

More on that later. 

Fuck

Frustrated. Disappointed. Embarrassed. Embarrassed. Mostly embarrassed.

I wrote a short post saying that when I told my friends and family about Jeff originally I said "I think I found the man I'm going to marry" and everyone rolled their eyes.

It was just silly. He already knew that and he's the one who started proposing to me the day we met.

Yeah? Well, that's all fine and dandy. Until he reblogged it and said something like now he's frightened and he might need a helmet.

Do you have any idea how many people have looked at my blog since? Lots. They saw that he wrote that and linked over to my blog to see what a fucking idiot I am to say something so stupid. And I can't even tell him that I know that because he doesn't know I have a tracker set up on the fucking thing. I'm so pissed off.

Embarrassed.

Fucker is going to need more than a helmet.

Amen, the follow up

I wrote that post on Saturday night when I was quite inebriated. There was nothing in particular going on, I was just out of sorts. As I usually get when I have too much to drink. Pot made me happy, booze makes me cry. But, either way, I got some stress out that was weighing on me.

The really funny part was Jeff's reaction. He started saying that I said mean things about him and that I made it look like he wasn't a good boyfriend and blah blah blah. In the middle of arguing with him about it, it suddenly occurred to me: all he was doing was proving my point, saying that I was wrong to write it and wrong to feel it. That shut him up pretty quick.

Talking trash - WFT

I wrote this about Rob earlier and saved it in my drafts because I wanted to mull it over before I posted it. I think I will post it but, it occurs to me that immediately after I say I'm not going to stoop to his level I, in fact, stoop to his level. So I'm going to post it without the paragraph that cuts him down. I still wanted to keep it here but the part that is coming out is in italics. Actually, I haven't decided yet. I'll get back to you.
~~~~~~

I've never been one to participate in trash talk. So when I find out that someone in particular is cutting me down for his own personal gain, it gets pretty frustrating. I want to tell my side of the story, I want to scream that the things he says are only a tiny piece of the puzzle, I want to ring his neck for seemingly being a good person but then turning around and shit speaking about me just because he didn't get his own way.

Maybe it is time for me to speak up and defend myself. Maybe people are mistaking my silence as an admission of guilt. Maybe those people have no idea that they are being conned into believing that he is a good person and acting out of hurt instead of trying to win their sympathy and pity that he was so wronged as to have loved someone who didn't love him back. And it bothers me that there was a time that I believed he was genuine, too. I'm not going to lower myself to his level, though. I know what went on between us, I know what was said, I know without a doubt that I always acted honestly and straight from the heart. It's terribly sad that he feels so little respect for himself that he needs to belittle others to get attention. But I don't play those games.

When I was attempting to let him down gently, I treated him with respect and did everything I could to remain true to myself and my own needs while trying to protect his feelings and his reputation. I told him it was my love for another that made me not want to be by his side but it was actually my dislike for him and the way he treated me. I don't spend time with people who step on my words when I'm trying to speak, who question my motives when I try to do good, who bow down and agree with everything I say even if that means recanting their own opinion, who won't even let me open a damn door for myself. I cannot respect a man who cowers and hides behind his mother's skirt and refuses to live his life because he's afraid of getting hurt when, in actual fact, he's the only one that is causing the damage. And I sure as hell don't want to spend my time with someone who constantly tries to pressure me into doing things I don't want to do, into feeling things I don't feel and who talks to me in the same stupid little baby voice that he uses on his dog.

It doesn't matter anymore. I'm living my life, I'm taking chances, I'm loving a man with everything I have because I know that he is worth my love more than anyone ever has been before. The fact that someone I used to know is delighting in playing the victim to my supposed villainy in inconsequential to me. The fact that he is receiving pity from people who demand that he was wronged even though they have no idea of what actually happened doesn't bother me in the least.

But the fact that he is spreading stories and rumours about someone I love seemingly for his own entertainment I do have a problem with. And, as much as I would delight in giving him a swift kick in the ass for knowingly acting like a dick and pretending he is some kind of victim just so that the people in his computer will say "oh, poor baby, that mean old woman gone done you wrong and you were completely helpless in the whole situation", I am going to walk way. He has caused me enough trouble... I'm not giving him another minute of my time... after this -- I've said it privately and now I'll say it publicly: get out of my life and stay out. That includes your trash talk, asshole.

Amen - WFT

I know I play a good game most of the time but inside I’m always wondering what I’m doing wrong. Why am I not like other people? What is it in me that makes me so fucking different all the time that I just don’t fit?

It’s not intentional, as my parents always accusingly claimed. It’s not that I want to be different, it’s not that I want to be wrong. I don’t want to. I wish… I WISH I could be the same. 

But I can’t because I’m not. No matter what I do. No matter which way I turn, I’m different. I’m wrong. 

Do you think it’s easy being me? To be backward? To constantly feel at odds with EVERYONE I’ve EVER met?? The closest I’ve been to peace is to find someone who is the complete opposite of me. But even then these fucking dickheads need to piss on it because I’m not the person they think that I’m supposed to be. 

I’m seriously ready to blow a gasket. Leaving my family whom I love but are so opposite that I have to constantly make amends. Living with these people whom I love but who completely don’t get me. Loving this man who gets me on so many different levels yet probably has no idea what to do with me. 

No, I’m not done. But I’m frustrated and I’m pissed off and I’m worried and I’m scared and I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know where the fuck I’m supposed to go so I just hope. That’s all I do - I hope. That I’m right. That everything is going to be okay. That I don’t fuck everything up. That it will work out. That he loves me as much as I need him to. That I don’t fucking take this belt and tie it to the rafters before it’s too late. I hope. And I pray to a god I don’t even believe in. And I close my eyes and trust that I’m going to be alright.

I think I need to poop. Amen.

#I'm fine. Just broke and frustrated and stressed and it will get better.

More than a feeling - WFT

It's the weirdest thing. I mean, you constantly hear about it in fictional media and we grow up wanting to believe in the fairy tale of it. But, until you experience it first hand, it is only a concept.

I never feel more right than when he is next to me, I am never more at peace than when we share the same breathing space. Sure he drives me crazy sometimes, absolutely I piss him off frequently - it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything. I want to be near him and, when I'm not, something feels slightly off kilter.

My whole life has been spent feeling most comfortable alone. I've been in relationships before but I wasn't in love as much as I was in love with being in love. I enjoyed the feeling of having a full heart but I rarely wanted to actually spend time with the person. In fact, most of my energy in relationships was spent trying to get away from them. Even with my family and platonic friendships, I liked togetherness sometimes but I didn't need it, I didn't crave it, most of the time I didn't even want it.

In the very early days of our relationship I wrote words that I didn't even completely understand at the time. All I knew was that he changed something in me, something inside my soul was present that hadn't existed before he came into my life. It's hard to put into words... I just felt right. He felt right. We felt right.

Believe it or not, I have never been a romantic person. I don't expect poetry and flowers, I don't long to look into another's eyes so that I can see myself reflected there kind of crap. I am a mature and independent woman; I am a free spirit who, until now, has been charting her own course through life. And if I were you and you were me and I was reading this stuff you had written about some guy you met on the internet? My eyes would roll back into my skull so far they'd probably completely rotate. Weirdo romantic fool who is living in some kind of fantasy land.

Oh, but when you live it? When you feel it? You know there can be no other way.


You
You lend me strength when I want to be weak.
You teach me compassion when I'm feeling indifferent.
You sing to me songs my heart has never heard.
You show me possibilities I was afraid to believe.
You help me understand the lessons of my past.
You give me hope for a million tomorrows.
You make me a better person, on the outside where it counts.
You lead me to myself.
You lead me to myself.
- written January 2011

Whoremoans - WFT

There was a time not so long ago that I laughed in the face of people who would talk about the ticking biological clock. Having children really wasn’t something that interested me; I was too self involved, too unsure of my own world to consider bringing someone else into it.

I remember the moment I felt the first pang. I was 37 and had just moved back into my condo -after yet another failed relationship attempt- and was awakened by the cries coming from my neighbours’ infant. Awakened by a physical ache that truly caught me off guard. Tick tock.

Now here I am, weeks away from my 40th birthday, much less self involved and much more self-aware, and I can’t get away from the ticking of this clock. Where once it didn’t make any kind of difference to me if there was a child in the room, now they are the most forceful magnets imaginable.

I don’t know if I will ever create a life; I honestly have no idea if I am even physically capable. The thought of pregnancy and giving birth absolutely scares the shit out of me. And the chance of me being able to afford to have a child before my biological clock gives out is exceptionally slim.

But someday, when we decide we are ready to take the chance, I will stop religiously taking birth control. Someday I will set my body free and allow nature to take over and do what it will. Someday I will know if motherhood is a privilege I will be blessed with. I do my best to not hope too hard one way or the other but sometimes it’s a struggle. Then a screaming child bangs into my chair and stomps on my foot at the airport and I realize that I’m completely okay with letting fate make this decision for me.

Ring this

This is what I want to say to her:

I won't be asking for the rings again. If you don't want me to have them or didn't think that my own judgement was good enough, you shouldn't have said yes. I wanted my wedding rings to be special, to really mean something. But I'll get other rings somewhere else. This hurt me, by the way. I don't think that was your intention but it's how I feel. This is my life and I'm not going to let it become some kind of power struggle with you. I will get married when Jeff and I are ready, not when you say it's okay.

And I'd like to add a big fuck you asshole but I know that's just because I'm hurting right now. Like, a lot.

Ring around my neck

I asked Mom if I could bring her rings with me when I leave. She answered with a quick and blunt "no". When I asked why not she said she wouldn't give them to me until I knew what I was doing. I told her I do, we're getting married. I don't know when but I don't want them to be shipped in the mail or something. And I could start wearing the engagement ring.

I hate it when people try to control me like that. She gets off on the fact that she has control of me and it is really pissing me off. But she does. Financially, she is still in control.

Well, fuck you. We'll get other rings and I won't wear hers at all. Would that be better, Mother? What a waste. She shouldn't have said yes if she didn't mean it.

I fucking hate how... fuck this. I don't give a shit. I'm really really pissed off right now and this is not going to end well.

Holy fuck

He was asleep. When he woke up he wrote this in his Truthful Tuesday post:

Oh me nerves

As I sit here in my mother's living room, there is a very real possibility that I am single and I don't even know it. I left Barrie Saturday evening and Jeff and I have been fighting off and on ever since. Mom's birthday party was yesterday and I got really drunk. I went upstairs because I was getting upset missing Dad and, when I looked at Jeff's Tumblr, this is what he'd written:



Obviously he was joking around but I didn't think it was very cool to make me out to be some psycho woman because I'm not -- well, I am but I try to contain it to this journal. So, already being drunk and upset, I sent a text asking why he was saying mean things about me. But we didn't need to talk about it at that moment, he said we do and that I should call. Which I did. I know all this because of the information I gathered on my phones. What I don't know is what happened next. And he is not replying to my texts and he's not online. It could be as simple as him being asleep. But, as more time passes, the likely hood of that is decreasing rapidly.

I thought we weren't going to do this this time. But it's been happening over and over and over. It's really getting on my nerves. I know he's tired and frustrated, I know it's hard to be apart. But fuck! This sucks. Immensely.

Even better

All I want to do right now is eat.

But I won't.

Maybe I'll go for a walk instead.

Or just go back to sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am so fucking pissed off with him right now I can't even tell you. My blood is boiling.

I'm in Newfoundland. I came home for the weekend to surprise Mom for her 65th birthday. And I can get the rest of my stuff and finish up some things that I had to leave hanging when I left three weeks ago. Being on Tom's benefits the flight cost a whopping $10, which Mom paid for obviously. How could I not come? Quite frankly, why would I not come? Let's ask Jeff why.

Oh, right, he's not really talking to me. He flipped at me yesterday. Because I didn't text him before I left for the airport. While he was asleep. Even though he didn't text me the night before when he was working. You know what? The who's and the what's and the how come's don't matter in the least. His behaviour is the problem here.

Just what does he want from me? Fine, dude, go it on your own. You think I should be punished because I have a family who loves me? Even though you're perfectly fine taking their fucking money. You know what? That shit doesn't matter, either. I'm ready to punch a whole through this fucking computer. No, not really. I'm just frustrated. He doesn't play fair. And he expects me to just sit here and take it. Actually, I guess he doesn't. He expects me to walk. And, if he keeps this up, he's going to make it happen.

So I'm going on lock down. Complete radio silence. I don't need his bullshit boohoopoorme sob stories right now. If he wants me, he can come looking for me. I am not going to chase him and beg him to love me. In so many ways, I'm probably better off without him. As sad as that may be.

Note to self: alcohol will be consumed this weekend. Do not, DO NOT contact him while inebriated. I mean it.

Truthful Tuesday - WFT

The rest of the story

He sent an email tonight asking if I was ready for my interview tomorrow. Then he said: I want to let you know I do love you, no matter what. And I want to wish you good luck. I want to wish us both good luck. It will be okay.


It was the "no matter what" part that concerned me. I replied asking if we're okay. 
This is his reply: I am fine now. We being okay is more up to you. I realize you are female and disposed to bizarre emotions...I just need you to be logical. Look at what is really going on rather than what you think is.


Then I said: I'm all in, Jeff. Now and always. 

Sometimes I am going to have feelings and emotions that you don't understand - I have no choice, they are a package deal with the vagina. I have tried a million different things throughout my life to get rid of or avoid them but it only makes things worse. I've learned that I have to deal with them so they don't build up and explode. And writing is how I let everything out and then step back to see if they are rational. 

If I think my feelings are rational and need further remedy, I will bring them to you. In a calm and logical manner. If they are silly or temporary, I will keep them to myself. Does that work for you?

But there are going to be times when we bump heads - I don't think it's possible for two people to spend so much time together and not frustrate each other from time to time - and we need to learn how to disagree without getting to the point where we threaten to walk away. Because that's just downright scary. 

These are things that will work themselves out. It will just take time. I will go to hell and back to be with you; I hope you feel that way, too.

He: Yes I do.  But I need you to be fair. You cannot get mad at me for something I am not even aware I am doing...

Me: I know. I will do my best, I promise.

And everything is back to normal...

Fighter

“Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level, then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain


I fucking hate fighting with him. He's one of those people who will turn everything you say around. It doesn't matter what you say, he will never listen to what you mean. The world revolves so completely around him that he can't see past himself. And I know he'll always be like that. And it's something I've accepted. There just has to be better ways to communicate and work through these things. Although I'm fucked if I can figure out that better way at this point. Criminey.

Thoughts and such

I was just thinking about how I'm not freaking out about this whole thing that's going on with Jeff today. There is a very real possibility that he is getting ready to dump me and I'm calm and going about my business. What about all the stuff from the past couple of months? Isn't this the man that I said I wanted to spend my life with? Am I okay with this? Is this even possibly something that I want?

The truth is, at this moment, I don't know. I mean, no, I want it to work out. I have a lot invested in this and it would be a devastating break. At the same time, if we break up over this, I'd rather do it now than later. I might feel like I have a my heart invested now but, damn, later would be a whole other ballgame. Also, if we can't make it through something this small, then we probably shouldn't be together.

Or maybe it's because I believe in us and I think what we have is big enough to weather this. Maybe I know we'll have bad times and we have to learn to get through them or it's not going to work anyway.

Maybe I'm a little numb. Maybe I know that there's no sense in worrying about something until there's something worth worrying about. Maybe I don't want to think about it anymore for a while.

Insignificant

That's how he makes me feel. Insignificant.

Yesterday we had a fight because I told him he makes me feel used sometimes. He flipped out, of course, and I spent the rest of the days trying to apologize because I didn't mean it. And I didn't meant it, but only because I was using the wrong word.

It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. Actually, yes, it does. I'm his adoring audience. He doesn't need to touch me or kiss me or say good night; I lie awake half the night rubbing his back because he's having some nightmare or another; he gets up in the morning and throws the fucking pillow on my head.

Now, if I was to complain because he threw the pillow on my head this morning he would tell me that I'm being silly or crazy or acting like a woman or some shit like that. The problem wasn't him throwing the pillow on my head, it was that he didn't even recognize I was there in the first place.

I don't ask for much. I'm not looking for someone to cater to me or live for me or make sure their every waking thought is about me. But I'd like to be touched sometimes. I'd like to be kissed. I'd like to be acknowledged - and not just after he's popped his half-dozen codine pills.

Things will be changing after today, anyway. He starts his new job tomorrow and his landlords come home then, too. So there will be no more sleepovers. His shifts are 7pm to 7am anyway so, if he's not working, he'll most likely be sleeping and I won't see him very much. It's sad that I'm looking forward to that.

I'm not saying that this is a relationship ender or a


....aaaaand that's when he came over to where I was sitting and I closed the computer and all hell broke loose. It's about eight hours later and he's still freaking out a little. (I left there shortly after.) I don't know what's going to happen now.

Fuck this bullshit. I'm hate fucking relationships so fucking bad. Fuck.

It would be a hell of a lot easier to just walk away right now. I'm so tempted...

Interesting

I think my Tumblr friend Nikki just put into words how I'm different, or what it is that gives me a light heart when so many others are heavy. Actually, it is me when her words were reversed.
She said: "We judge people based on their actions, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions." 
I judge myself on my actions and I judge others on their intentions. 
That's really interesting. I'm going to ponder it further.

Laughter... we got it

BTW

Jeff got the job he applied for last week, he signed the paperwork today.

Things are really starting to happen for us. And I'm glad.

We deserve it! :-)

Funny

I posted this on my Tumblr today:

"This may come as a shock to you but I’m a bit of a damned idiot. I have completely screwed myself career wise and I don’t know how to find my way back. 

Back in the day I really loved to work; I always held daytime and evening jobs. Six days and four nights a week was my standard. And I always wanted more. More, more, more. More money, sure, but more knowledge, more experience, more something to do with myself because, when I wasn’t working, I was lost. 

I worked in retail, banking, venture capital, commercial property administration. Then onto self-employment, bookkeeping, property management, real estate, business management. I considered all of my experience to be building blocks toward something, I just didn’t know what. 

Through it all, I was exceptionally unhappy in my personal life. Well, more than my personal life, I was unhappy in my head. So, in the spring of 2008, just on the other side of the peak of my professional success, I left a pretty lucrative 6-figure salary and went on a mission. I honestly didn’t know what I was looking for but I promised myself I would find it. And here I am three years later, exceptionally happy with who I am but my career is totally fucked.

About a year into this venture, after a ton of research and evaluation of my favourite aspects of all of my former positions, I took the first step in what I excitedly hoped would be a life-long career. It was a whole new industry for me but I was perfectly comfortable going back to square one, I was even okay with the fact that the job paid less than a third of what I was making before, because I was working toward something that was perfect for me in the long term. 

Then my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My family was on the opposite end of the country and I knew I couldn’t live this far away from them anymore. I packed my things and moved halfway across the country. But it didn’t take long for me to figure out that halfway wasn’t enough. I left everything I owned in my sister’s attic and, with my computer and the clothes on my back, moved home with my parents to be there for the remainder of my father’s life and for the first year of my mother’s life without him. 

My friends hooked me up with a temporary job, which was a world away from anything I’d done previously but still could be a great asset when I was able to get back on my dream career track. And it didn’t last very long. Although I did look for permanent work, I didn’t make a whole lot of effort. For one thing, my mother wanted me around and was willing to support me financially to have my companionship. Also, I didn’t want to live there indefinitely and was afraid to settle in, thinking I might not be able to get back out.

Now I’m here. I got out just as I wanted and I’m more than eager to start working again. And, let me tell you, I want to work. I NEED to work. Financially I am far beyond the need to work, personally I looking forward to having structure in my life again. I’m ready to settle now, I want to start living.

But I am going to have one hell of a time finding someone to hire me. On paper, since April of 2008, I have gone from the manager of a multi-million dollar national company to an administrative technician to a glorified waitress with about 28 months of unemployment in the past 41 months. Within that time I have also lived in four cities spanning the whole country. 

Employers aren’t going to care that I needed to go find myself, it won’t matter to them that I needed to spend time with my family. I stepped out of my life for three and a half years and I’m going to have a hell of a time finding my way back in. And I’m kinda freaking out. 

It will work out, I know it will. I don’t doubt it for a second. But that’s not helping me much today."

More than anything, I wrote it to get the frustration out so I could move past it. Rejection and uncertainty can be pretty disheartening but, as I've learned, things always have a way of coming together. And it's my new little habit to let it out so I don't dwell on it. Come to think of it, that's also probably why I no longer eat my feelings... because I set my feelings free before I stuff food on top of them.

Anyway, after I wrote that post I thought, you know, I'm just going to have to see if I can get a serving job until I find something full time. I remembered seeing an add but didn't  know what site so I went directly to the restaurant site and they are recruiting for a manager. So I applied.

Forty-five minutes later I got a call for an interview. 45 minutes! The interview is scheduled for Monday. Cross your fingers, future me! We're getting ready to move forward again!

In his defense

I wrote a few complainy posts the other day; however, in his defense, when I was lying in bed not feeling well yesterday, he came over and laid with me and held me. It was really nice and I appreciated it.

I know we'll get there. These are just little wrinkles in the fabric, they are not tears. To be honest, I can't see anything that would break us up now other than a major deal breaker (ie. infidelity or him saying "I don't want to be with you anymore").

From my perspective, we're together now. He is my forever man. I choose him and I want to spend my life with him. There will be bumps along the way, obviously. Especially at this point because we're still getting to know each other's little quirks and behaviours. But this is life. There's a lot of give and take. And we both have a lot to learn.

I think I'm pretty good at giving when it's something I want to give, I think I suck when I don't get my own way. But at least these days I keep my mouth shut about little silly things that I usually get over in moments.

I'm not very good at taking, either. Specifically when I have to ask for something. If it's exactly what I want and it's offered on a silver platter, we're all good. If it's not offered, I struggle and usually fuck up.

We're learning, we will get there. We already love each other deeply and enjoy being together. The rest will work itself out in time. (How awesome is that?)

The sun'll come out

Damn, I'm having a shitty day today. Not because today is shitty but because my moods are swinging like crazy. I don't know why. I haven't fucked up my meds much lately. It's not PMS. Maybe I am just a psycho bitch. Nah, I'm just not feeling very well and I can't burrow myself into a cave anywhere so the stress is coming out in starts and stops. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Idiot

I'm an idiot.

I must be an idiot.

Am I an idiot?

I'm probably an idiot.

Perhaps I concentrated too much on finding someone I could be alone with. Because I pretty much always feel alone when I'm with him.

And we are not equals when it comes to sex drive, either.

Muthrfukr, I suck.

Or at least I would more frequently if he wanted me to.

I complain a lot, don't I?

Do I expect too much from him?

Do I not expect enough?

And how THE FUCK am I supposed to know the difference.

Don't be silly

Everything is fine. I just don't like it very much when he drinks, I guess.

Well

I feel a little better now. I threw up a couple of hours ago - the meat on that pizza did not agree with me at all.

Anyway, I guess the night in general was a major let down. I thought we'd have a few drinks, laugh, play a little, have some slightly kinkier sex, kiss for a change.

All he does is peck me. Sometimes I can't even feel his lips. But I'm not supposed to say anything negative, I'm not supposed to be all female and irrational. I don't know how to talk to him about this stuff. Maybe I just shouldn't. Maybe it won't even bother me tomorrow. Maybe, in time, he'll get more comfortable touching me. I don't know. It's beginning to be a bit of an issue for me, I think.

Blech.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. Maybe I was right way back then and I won't have any long term loves in my life. Although, I guess the tears in my eyes right now are proof that that's not really what I want.

I just want him to touch me sometimes, dammit. I want to be kissed and held and made to feel special. Will that ever happen or am I stuck on this one way street?

Time. What happens next?