Laughter... we got it

BTW

Jeff got the job he applied for last week, he signed the paperwork today.

Things are really starting to happen for us. And I'm glad.

We deserve it! :-)

Funny

I posted this on my Tumblr today:

"This may come as a shock to you but I’m a bit of a damned idiot. I have completely screwed myself career wise and I don’t know how to find my way back. 

Back in the day I really loved to work; I always held daytime and evening jobs. Six days and four nights a week was my standard. And I always wanted more. More, more, more. More money, sure, but more knowledge, more experience, more something to do with myself because, when I wasn’t working, I was lost. 

I worked in retail, banking, venture capital, commercial property administration. Then onto self-employment, bookkeeping, property management, real estate, business management. I considered all of my experience to be building blocks toward something, I just didn’t know what. 

Through it all, I was exceptionally unhappy in my personal life. Well, more than my personal life, I was unhappy in my head. So, in the spring of 2008, just on the other side of the peak of my professional success, I left a pretty lucrative 6-figure salary and went on a mission. I honestly didn’t know what I was looking for but I promised myself I would find it. And here I am three years later, exceptionally happy with who I am but my career is totally fucked.

About a year into this venture, after a ton of research and evaluation of my favourite aspects of all of my former positions, I took the first step in what I excitedly hoped would be a life-long career. It was a whole new industry for me but I was perfectly comfortable going back to square one, I was even okay with the fact that the job paid less than a third of what I was making before, because I was working toward something that was perfect for me in the long term. 

Then my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My family was on the opposite end of the country and I knew I couldn’t live this far away from them anymore. I packed my things and moved halfway across the country. But it didn’t take long for me to figure out that halfway wasn’t enough. I left everything I owned in my sister’s attic and, with my computer and the clothes on my back, moved home with my parents to be there for the remainder of my father’s life and for the first year of my mother’s life without him. 

My friends hooked me up with a temporary job, which was a world away from anything I’d done previously but still could be a great asset when I was able to get back on my dream career track. And it didn’t last very long. Although I did look for permanent work, I didn’t make a whole lot of effort. For one thing, my mother wanted me around and was willing to support me financially to have my companionship. Also, I didn’t want to live there indefinitely and was afraid to settle in, thinking I might not be able to get back out.

Now I’m here. I got out just as I wanted and I’m more than eager to start working again. And, let me tell you, I want to work. I NEED to work. Financially I am far beyond the need to work, personally I looking forward to having structure in my life again. I’m ready to settle now, I want to start living.

But I am going to have one hell of a time finding someone to hire me. On paper, since April of 2008, I have gone from the manager of a multi-million dollar national company to an administrative technician to a glorified waitress with about 28 months of unemployment in the past 41 months. Within that time I have also lived in four cities spanning the whole country. 

Employers aren’t going to care that I needed to go find myself, it won’t matter to them that I needed to spend time with my family. I stepped out of my life for three and a half years and I’m going to have a hell of a time finding my way back in. And I’m kinda freaking out. 

It will work out, I know it will. I don’t doubt it for a second. But that’s not helping me much today."

More than anything, I wrote it to get the frustration out so I could move past it. Rejection and uncertainty can be pretty disheartening but, as I've learned, things always have a way of coming together. And it's my new little habit to let it out so I don't dwell on it. Come to think of it, that's also probably why I no longer eat my feelings... because I set my feelings free before I stuff food on top of them.

Anyway, after I wrote that post I thought, you know, I'm just going to have to see if I can get a serving job until I find something full time. I remembered seeing an add but didn't  know what site so I went directly to the restaurant site and they are recruiting for a manager. So I applied.

Forty-five minutes later I got a call for an interview. 45 minutes! The interview is scheduled for Monday. Cross your fingers, future me! We're getting ready to move forward again!

In his defense

I wrote a few complainy posts the other day; however, in his defense, when I was lying in bed not feeling well yesterday, he came over and laid with me and held me. It was really nice and I appreciated it.

I know we'll get there. These are just little wrinkles in the fabric, they are not tears. To be honest, I can't see anything that would break us up now other than a major deal breaker (ie. infidelity or him saying "I don't want to be with you anymore").

From my perspective, we're together now. He is my forever man. I choose him and I want to spend my life with him. There will be bumps along the way, obviously. Especially at this point because we're still getting to know each other's little quirks and behaviours. But this is life. There's a lot of give and take. And we both have a lot to learn.

I think I'm pretty good at giving when it's something I want to give, I think I suck when I don't get my own way. But at least these days I keep my mouth shut about little silly things that I usually get over in moments.

I'm not very good at taking, either. Specifically when I have to ask for something. If it's exactly what I want and it's offered on a silver platter, we're all good. If it's not offered, I struggle and usually fuck up.

We're learning, we will get there. We already love each other deeply and enjoy being together. The rest will work itself out in time. (How awesome is that?)

The sun'll come out

Damn, I'm having a shitty day today. Not because today is shitty but because my moods are swinging like crazy. I don't know why. I haven't fucked up my meds much lately. It's not PMS. Maybe I am just a psycho bitch. Nah, I'm just not feeling very well and I can't burrow myself into a cave anywhere so the stress is coming out in starts and stops. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Idiot

I'm an idiot.

I must be an idiot.

Am I an idiot?

I'm probably an idiot.

Perhaps I concentrated too much on finding someone I could be alone with. Because I pretty much always feel alone when I'm with him.

And we are not equals when it comes to sex drive, either.

Muthrfukr, I suck.

Or at least I would more frequently if he wanted me to.

I complain a lot, don't I?

Do I expect too much from him?

Do I not expect enough?

And how THE FUCK am I supposed to know the difference.

Don't be silly

Everything is fine. I just don't like it very much when he drinks, I guess.

Well

I feel a little better now. I threw up a couple of hours ago - the meat on that pizza did not agree with me at all.

Anyway, I guess the night in general was a major let down. I thought we'd have a few drinks, laugh, play a little, have some slightly kinkier sex, kiss for a change.

All he does is peck me. Sometimes I can't even feel his lips. But I'm not supposed to say anything negative, I'm not supposed to be all female and irrational. I don't know how to talk to him about this stuff. Maybe I just shouldn't. Maybe it won't even bother me tomorrow. Maybe, in time, he'll get more comfortable touching me. I don't know. It's beginning to be a bit of an issue for me, I think.

Blech.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. Maybe I was right way back then and I won't have any long term loves in my life. Although, I guess the tears in my eyes right now are proof that that's not really what I want.

I just want him to touch me sometimes, dammit. I want to be kissed and held and made to feel special. Will that ever happen or am I stuck on this one way street?

Time. What happens next?

Uh-oh

Something is wrong. My heart is beating like crazy. And I don't mean I think something is physically wrong. More like this is the first time I've had this kind of panic attack sort of feeling since I was with Rob. And it's kind of freaking me out.

We had a few drinks tonight so maybe things are coming out that normally wouldn't bother me. Maybe I'm just being uber sensitive. But... I don't know. He's not very affectionate. He doesn't kiss me. I feel like it wouldn't matter if I was here or not. I mean, he says it would matter, he says he wants me here but there isn't any physical proof.

Anyway, I just made some gesture that made him question what I'm writing. I'll think about this a little more tomorrow. I'm sure it's nothing. I hope it's nothing. It better be nothing. I kinda want to throw up.

I have this problem

It's been an issue in every relationship I've ever had. I hope it doesn't become one now.

I don't care about shit. I don't need to make decisions. I'm generally cool with whatever the guy decides. Where we're going, what we're doing, what we eat, when we eat. I'll chime in with my opinion if I don't agree but, for the most part, whatever dude.

This has made some people try to take advantage of me. It's made others run for the hills because they think that I'm wimpy or desperate or something. It's probably irritated a few guys, too, because it kind of puts the pressure of decisions on them.

That's something I look for in a man, the ability to make the decisions. I just don't care. I mean, if I'm alone and ordering a pizza, I'll go ahead and order a pizza. If I'm with someone, just order the fucking pizza. I don't like olives, otherwise go crazy. What the fuck is the problem?

Maybe I'm being impatient. Maybe he doesn't think too clearly after three drinks. Maybe he can't take the pressure. Just order the goddamn pizza already because I'm starving and I'm not very nice when I'm hungry. It's 10pm for shits sake.

Edit: But maybe I should give him a break. Maybe I should back off and let him come to me. Yes, I am talking about a completely different issue now - please, try to keep up. But what if he doesn't come to me? Is that the problem? I love him, he loves me. It's time for me to give him a little credit, isn't it? I don't fucking know. Maybe I should turn off the computer when I'm drinking. Okay.

I'd really like to talk

about something other than Jeff for a change.

But I got nothing else to say.

What a loser.

Calling out to karma

Jeff is pretty confident that he'll get the job he interviewed for today. I'd like to call on karma, god, the powers that be and/or whomever is in control of this stuff to make it come true. Not just because it would be a great start for us financially -which it would- but because it would be a fantastic boost to his self-esteem. He needs this. We need this. I'm crossing every extremity, begging, hoping, praying and preparing to sell my soul. Damn, it would be really, really good.

Good answer

Today Jeff wrote a post saying that sometimes he still thinks about running away, just packing a bag and hitting the road. It upset me a little so I had to speak up.

Food feelings

I have often thought that one of the reasons I knew I shouldn't be with Rob was because I couldn't stop eating. I would leave his place in the evening and just pig out on anything and everything I could get my hands on. Of course, at the time I was constantly stoned - another sign, obv - so I blamed it on that. But then I stopped getting stoned and the eating got worse. When it got to the point that I would think about what I would eat while I was still with him or, worse still, when I would leave so I could go home and eat, I knew something was wrong. I was eating my feelings instead of feeling them.

It's an interesting habit and one I've practiced for as long as I can remember - although I didn't always know it and would never have admited it. It wasn't until I became so much more self aware that I realized that this was one of the ways I used food. Like a drug. To run, to hide, to avoid, to detach. Now it's a sign of underlying problems that I watch for.

When I started seeing Jeff again, I knew that it was right because food wasn't an issue or consideration. Even when I was upset I didn't feel the need to put the problems in my mouth. But something interesting happened the other day after I spent nearly two days with Jeff. I couldn't get enough to eat. Literally. And I recognized that I wasn't hungry, I just wanted to eat, munching from boredom and generally using it for something to do. My instant reaction was to analyze it: was something wrong, was I eating to cover something up? It's something that you can only see with time so I stuck a pin in it to review at a later date.

Then when I was with Jeff again? I didn't look for food at all. I ate for fuel, not for comfort. Had a normal amount of dinner. No snacks. No cravings. No thoughts about food.

That says a lot.

I totally need to break up with him. My pants are getting way too loose. JOKE! Fuckin' love, wah?

I think he likes me, too

I totally love this man

Even when he's pissing me off or hurting my feelings or hogging the bed. How is that even possible? I mean, I've heard about such things but never did I actually believe it could happen for real.

When I used to say that no one "got" me, I honestly didn't know exactly what I meant by that. I just knew it hadn't happened. I've been with lots of people that I'm attracted to, that I get along with, there are many men that I think are funny, that I enjoy spending time with, that I respect and admire. It is true that I have never found so many of these elements in one man before Jeff but it's something more than that.

It's me pouting on the floor at 4am and him not giving into my behaviour at first but eventually asking me to come back to bed, putting his arms around me and telling me that he loves me. It's him eating breakfast without asking if I want some but then offering to make me a sandwich a few hours later when I'm actually ready to eat. It's him pulling his dick out and letting me go down on him for the first time and then telling me that it was the first time he's been able to orgasm from oral sex since he was a teenager. It's him then asking for money to go get some ice cream and reminding me that he's not perfect so I don't go getting all overly mushy and stupid silly girl. (heh heh) It's me talking about my fears that he isn't making an effort to find a job so we can get a place together and him applying for a ton of jobs and then actually getting a call that he's on right now.

I totally love this man. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And that excites me instead of scares me. How fucking awesome is that???????? So fucking awesome. So so so.

So. Awesome.

Fucker. ;-)

"A soundtrack for being here"

Why - WFT

If you were to ask me why I love Jeff, it would well be within my nature to tell you that I just do. I just do. But that doesn’t explain very much, does it? You want to know why. What do I see in him? What makes him different from other men? How do I know that he’s the person I want to spend my life with? Well, I thought I might share some of the answers with you.

• The thing that stands out the most? I feel him. There is something in me that reacts to his presence in a way I’ve never reacted to anyone before - and I’ve noticed this since the day I met him. Sometimes I jokingly say that he makes my heart swell but I usually compare it to a kind of magnetic pull. That is probably the main reason that I have never given up on us. Even at our lowest, that pull has always been there and it’s something I’ve never felt for another living soul. It’s probably also why I continuously have the urge to rub my boobs against him.
• He is a man. Not just that he has a penis (although he does… and a lovely one, at that), he has an opinion. I don’t care if you agree with it, I don’t care it you think he’s cranky or difficult, he has a voice and he uses it. He doesn’t cower down to someone else’s ideal of who or what he should be, he doesn’t change his mind to get along or because he’s afraid of upsetting the pot. He is thought provoking and genuine, and I find that very attractive.
• He has manly hands and a manly body, and I like it when they are near me.
• He lets me be myself. If he’s not in a good mood, I don’t feel like I have to turn off my smile to appease him. I like to smile and I smile a lot, he doesn’t make me feel like there is anything wrong with that. (Believe it or not, I have been struggling with this issue for as long as I can remember.)
• Yet I don’t feel like I always have to be “on” for him. We are perfectly comfortable in silence together. I feel like I can be alone, even when he is in the room. That probably sounds weird but I like to be alone and he does, too, so it’s important that we can be alone and together at the same time.
• He has lived a big life. He has dealt with struggles that you and I cannot imagine and he has survived them and become a better person for them. I respect him a great deal for that.
• He is a wonderful father and continues to make an effort to be better. His love for Ruby shines out of every pore on his body. She is his life and he would do anything and everything for her. Ruby is a beautiful and funny little girl who is confident that she is loved and protected, she is free to be herself and encouraged to learn and improve. That is the best gift anyone can give a child.
• He cares about people. Even when he doesn’t want to, even when he struggles against it, he has a heart that is vast and deep. He has a great capacity for love because he feels every feeling 10x more than anyone I’ve ever known.
• My vagina throbs every time I see him, talk to him, get an email or voicemail or text from him. I won’t even try to describe how I react when he touches me.
• He makes me feel safe. As I mentioned, I tend to smile a lot. I can be a little ditzy, I guess… sometimes over-friendly. And people often want to take advantage of me because of that. With Jeff I can be exactly who I am and know that he would protect me if anyone tried to hurt me. I can’t even explain the value of that gift for me. Especially after all the time I’ve spent learning to let my real nature show, he helps with that immensely. 
• I have fun with him. He makes me laugh. I love his humour, his wit, his perspective.
• I want to touch him all the time. And he lets me. And he likes to touch me, too. Not just in a sexual way, but connecting on an intimate level that goes beyond sex. And in a sexual way, too.
• I’m proud to be seen with him, I’m happy to walk down the street holding his hand.
• He lets me be independent but I know that when I need him, he will be there to help (i.e. helping me figure out how to use the bus).
• He and I have led almost completely opposite lives and yet our basic morals and beliefs are in complete sync. 
• He shares his love of music, books and movies with me and exposes me to things I otherwise would never experience.
• He is a natural teacher and I love to learn new things. I ask a lot of questions and am used to people being impatient with me but he helps me find out what I want to know.
• He sings. He sings. I love it when he sings.
• He puts up with my girlness (even though I know it mostly drives him crazy), and he tries to make everything better. And he succeeds.
• He makes me want to be better, more than I already am. I need that in my life.
• Did I mention he has a big penis? Yeah, forget all the other stuff. That’s actually the real reason. ;-)

These are things that can’t be faked. These are things that cannot be learned. They just are.

I have found some of these traits in others but never come close to so many in one person. He is the composite of the best traits in all of the men I’ve loved before. And I truly believe that they only reason I loved anyone else was because I was learning to be with him.

Only time will tell

It's always the way, isn't it? As soon as I pull back and start to doubt, something like this post happens. There's just no pleasing me, is there?

I don't know. I'm afraid, I guess. Forever is a mighty long time. Am I setting myself up for something here?

So, what's the problem? And when that's fixed will everything be okay? Overall, maybe yes. He's a cranky motherfucker, which doesn't bother me but I know some people won't get it. He's horrifically terrible with money but I love the childlike side of him... even the childish side. It's the combination of man and boy that seems to fit with my combination of woman and girl. An offset, a... well, a missing piece. (He posted this today, too.)

I don't think I will ever be able to deny this physical pull toward him. It's insane and almost frustrating in a way. Because it controls me. Because I know that I can't get it anywhere else and that gives him control. But mostly because I can't force him to do everything I want all the time and that makes me want to pull my hair out. 

Anyway, back on topic: I think this little bug of doubt climbed into my ear yesterday. He told me he doesn't take anything stronger than Tylenol these days but they are Tylenol with codeine... a low dosage but still. And I know this because there was a sudden and dramatic change in him yesterday when we were at the library with Ruby.

The money issue is starting to freak me out. It will cost thousands of dollars to get his teeth fixed. We don't even have tens of dollars at this point. Will he get a job? Will he ever get his licence again? Will he be needy and clingy and try to be controlling? Will I love him forever? Do I love him enough now? I don't know the answer to any of these questions at this moment. I guess all I can do is go forward but I'm haunted by the possibility that it won't work out between us and I will ruin him forever.

Time. Let's see what you have in store for me.

He sent a text

saying "You are not going to be a secret no more." Then he posted this:

First three days in Ontario

I don't want to talk about it right now. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I do have some thinking to do.

A note from Rog

Bev, I don't know if I can put to words how I actually feel about you. I feel good about myself whenever I am around you and I think its because we are indeed kindred spirits. We can't go back and change history but I would certainly entertain the thought. I love you too. I always have. I always will. Never change who you are because you are one of the coolest people I know. me.xo

Semi-drunken post

I know most people think the whole concept of this is stupid, but I genuinely feel that I have lived as two completely different versions of myself. The defining factor, as far as I see it, was the depression which kicked in during my early/mid teens and wasn't defeated until a few years after I began taking medication in my mid-30s.

This post is not finished but I'm drunk.

The power of self talk

Oh, Beverly... you silly fool. Don't you see it? You know you're walking down a path you've gone down before; don't you think it would be wise to find a way around the ditch instead of throwing yourself into it again? You know there is another way now, you've done your due diligence, passed your training, mapped out a better route. Try going the new way and see if you can actually get where you want to go this time.

**

This morning I was thinking that I needed to pull back again, I hate the jealousy and irrational feelings I've been having for the last couple of days. I decided I would go to Barrie and ease into things as planned because this has progressed way further and faster than I intended. That's what always happens with us. Like he said, we try to empty the well all at once and that doesn't work in the long run.

But then I realized that I've been behaving in my old manner, desperate and unsure. I get so caught up in him that I lose myself. The problem with that is it's 'myself' that he's in love with. Why would he want to continue this relationship if I'm not the same person anymore? I've been on the other side of this now and I know the problems it can cause.

Jeff loves me. I don't doubt that. Not at all. I know he wants to be with me, I know he wants this to work out for us. So when I get caught up in all that other bullshit, all I'm doing is going in the direction of my old self-fulfilling prophecy. But that isn't my prophecy anymore. Now it is to build a life with Jeff. So I'm going to be myself - the woman he loves - and work on fulfilling that prophecy instead.

Go me.

So much better than old times

We talked on Skype for two hours. I feel better. I love him so much.

Just like old times

This is the first evening since we got back together again that I don't feel like talking to him. Not that I don't want to talk to him so much as I don't want to get into it again. No, I don't want to talk to him. I'm not in the mood to talk about the crap that went down earlier but I'm also not really in the mood to talk about anything else. Come to think of it, I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone. I just want to lay my head down and go to sleep. I'm in sinus hell and not a particularly good mood. Relationships really suck sometimes. And this whole jealousy thing I have going on bites the big one.

Snowballs

He told me he was only kidding and to not get all crusty about it. This is my reply to his reply. (I'm only recording it because I'm not sure about that last part but I couldn't make myself not put it in.)

"I know, I was just being a smart ass. It occurred to me later that I was getting pissy over her comment, not what you said. Pretty much the same way it bothered you when Patrick said he loved me. Although you and she are obviously in more contact than you previously let on. I guess that's just something I'm going to have to learn to live with... double standards and all. (And apparently I'm still being a little pissy. I hate feeling jealous but I am human.)"

Aaaaand he's pissed. Yeah, that was a stupid thing to say - why didn't you stop me? I knew I shouldn't say it, obviously, and I should have listened to that instinct. He said they are not in contact at all and that I was accusing him of being devious and lying. He said he broke up with her and she's hurting but he doesn't reply to her emails and texts so he expects it will die down in time. I had the same thing with Rob, the only difference is Jeff wasn't in my life then so it didn't matter the same way.

I should be nicer. I will. I'm trying.

I just found the words

I wrote this on my Tumblr yesterday when I was frustrated by Rob's email regarding the post about my dad. He said he was sorry that Dad was taken from me in such a shitty unfair way. But I specifically said in my post that that's not the way I feel at all. That's the way he feels about the death of his dad and he projects those feelings on to me because he thinks I'm supposed to feel them, too. But I don't. This is one of the things that really drove me crazy when we were dating. He did that kind of thing constantly.

Anyway, the point of this post is that last night Jeff said he was hurt because I said no one gets me when I've told him that he does. I didn't know how to reply because I don't feel he gets me so much as he sees me. And I couldn't find the words to explain the difference.

He is the only person who understands who I am without me having to tell him, he just sees my soul in a way no one else ever has. He didn't need to know the details of my life, I don't need to explain what I need, he gives it to me without even knowing what it is. But he doesn't understand my view of the world any more than anyone else.

It drives him crazy that I like simple and girly things. He hates my choice of movies, books, music, even friends. Specifically to this instance, I know he could never understand the way I see the death of my father as a beautiful thing... no one can. He basically looks at life from the opposite angle than me. A yin and yang kind of thing. Not the same, but definitely complementary and right. He sees me but he certainly doesn't get me in the way I mean here.

Ironically, that's probably the thing I like about him the most. He is so much like me yet the absolute opposite in a million different ways. That's where the passion comes from. And it's the passion that will keep us together.

I should point out

He didn't do anything wrong. He made a silly comment saying that he didn't have the snacks he wanted and life sucks. She commented that she had promised to send him stuff. The worst part is probably that he was already in bed when I saw the post and made my smart little remark and now I can't stop thinking about it.

But it really doesn't change anything. Honest. It's funny how accepting I am that these kinds of problems will come up from time to time. I think I see something I didn't quite get before and I'm not going to go running for the door just because something isn't going my way. I've made a commitment to him in my heart and I want this. I believe in him and I want to spend my life with him. And I will -I have to- give all I can give because, on the off chance it doesn't work out, I don't want it to be because we didn't do everything we could to make it work.

I love him. For reals, yo.

As goddamned scary as that may be.

The other side of the coin

Fat/thin, stoned/sober, rich/poor, here/there - it doesn't really make a difference. There are going to be ups and downs, there's going to be drama. Get used to it.

She's still sending him stuff. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I hate it but it's not a deal breaker by any means. But still... would you put up with that? Should I? I know for a fact he wouldn't. So, I say something and then what? He just gets better at hiding it? And then I have to spend all my time looking for it? That's not how I want to live.

Our biggest hurdle right now are these petty jealousies. We both have them. He got all up in arms yesterday because my friend Patrick wrote "I LOVE YOU" on a Tumblr post of mine. I sit on the webcam with him and hear his phone buzz with another call, another text, another DM. From who? I don't care. I hate it. And it makes me want to compete. That's not how I want to live.

Will it be different when we are in the same city? In the same home? Will we even be able to get that far? Not if this gets between us. So I make a smartass remark and say I hope Alissa sends him all kinds of stuff and makes everything better. I wasn't overly bothered by it at that moment, to be quite honest. But it's weighing on me now. It's getting bigger and I need to figure something out before it snowballs out of control. I'll just let it play out right now and see what comes of it. It's a concern, though, and I'm worried. That's not how I want to live.

You may say I'm a dreamer

He posted this for me. Because he loves me more than any woman he's ever loved. And he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And I honestly think he will. It feels good to believe in someone.

A poem

The proof is in the picture

Every time I see a picture of myself as a child I get pissed off. How could they let me believe I was ugly?

I'm not very good at this - WFT

I’m not very good at feeling feelings when they are feelings I don’t want to feel. But today, instead of hiding under the covers, I strapped on my runners and plugged in my headphones (luckily they came with instructions so I knew what to do) and walked down to the graveyard. I sat down on the grass next to my dad’s grave and listened to music that he shared with me when I was a child. And I cried.

I thought about our relationship and got angry with him for not loving me more, for not being able to push past his fear and open himself up to all of the wonderful things life has to offer. And I thought about the frustration I felt when he wouldn’t let me be open to it either. I thought about the silence between us and how he was always such a reluctant hero to me. 

Then I thought about how lucky I was to have a father who was strong and protective, who would’ve died or even killed for me. I thought about our shared humour and realized that the majority of my memories are of us joking about things that no one else understood. I thought about how we barely spoke, but we laughed a lot. I thought about the love of music that he instilled in me. And that the only time I ever saw him cry was when his sister died; he sat for hours with his headphones on, rocking back and forth in his private pain… just as I was doing at that very moment. 

When I got up, I walked through the graveyard and read every headstone. And I didn’t feel so alone in my sorrow. Everyone loses people they love, so many experience this kind of grief (and much, much worse) far too soon. I am lucky that I had nearly two years to prepare myself, that I was able to sit next to him for the last seven months, that I held him through his final moments, that I got to watch the light go out in his eyes and know that he was okay with it, he was ready. 

As I said goodbye and walked away, the tears started to fall again. I accept that he is gone. I don’t think it’s unfair that I lost him because life and death has no reason. I will always be thankful that I was gifted with a father who was strong and solid and good. But I miss him. That silly fool of a man with the twinkle in his eye. 

This made me laugh

I'm looking right up at him! Hmmmm....

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for you to get over me.

Sometimes I fear that you will.

Sometimes I don't believe it could ever happen.

But most of the time I want to hide... just in case it does.

We will go together

I'm beginning this new blog in anticipation of the journey we are about to embark on together. We have known each other for 10 months; however, having met online, we have only spent nine days in each other's company. There have been some tremendous ups and downs, drama and tears, stress and passion. But the love has done nothing but grow.

Next week I will move to his city and we will start rebuilding, merging two lives into one. We will leave the past in the past and I have decided to leave my old blog/journal there as well. But there is no doubt that this is a continuation as much as a new beginning, and so I have chosen a name based on one of my favourite posts from early in our relationship: