It’s not intentional, as my parents always accusingly claimed. It’s not that I want to be different, it’s not that I want to be wrong. I don’t want to. I wish… I WISH I could be the same.
But I can’t because I’m not. No matter what I do. No matter which way I turn, I’m different. I’m wrong.
Do you think it’s easy being me? To be backward? To constantly feel at odds with EVERYONE I’ve EVER met?? The closest I’ve been to peace is to find someone who is the complete opposite of me. But even then these fucking dickheads need to piss on it because I’m not the person they think that I’m supposed to be.
I’m seriously ready to blow a gasket. Leaving my family whom I love but are so opposite that I have to constantly make amends. Living with these people whom I love but who completely don’t get me. Loving this man who gets me on so many different levels yet probably has no idea what to do with me.
No, I’m not done. But I’m frustrated and I’m pissed off and I’m worried and I’m scared and I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know where the fuck I’m supposed to go so I just hope. That’s all I do - I hope. That I’m right. That everything is going to be okay. That I don’t fuck everything up. That it will work out. That he loves me as much as I need him to. That I don’t fucking take this belt and tie it to the rafters before it’s too late. I hope. And I pray to a god I don’t even believe in. And I close my eyes and trust that I’m going to be alright.
I think I need to poop. Amen.
