I saw something new in myself since we moved in to the apartment. Well, not new in me, I guess... but a different perspective for sure. I can be a bitch. Not so much in the things I say but in the way I am. We'd been here two full days and he could do nothing right. I didn't yell or scold but in my head I was constantly mad at him for not being the way I expected or wanted. And, although I kept the words inside for the most part, I'm sure the energy of discontent was being translated.
That's not how I want to be, how I want to feel. It's too much work to be pissed off all the time. Where does it get me? Yes, I've been stressed and frustrated about my money situation and the fact that no one will FUCKing hire me for some reason. But that's not his fault. Yes, everything in this place is his because everything I own is still at Debra's. But that's not his fault. Yes, we have different ideas of where things should go and how to decorate. But that's not his fault. He has a much of a right as me to make this into a place where he can be comfortable.
It's frustrating living with someone. It's frustrating living with him. He's not affectionate - although he thinks he is, which means he's probably much more affectionate with me than he's been in the past. And I don't want someone pawing all over me the way Rob did. We'll find our balance. We'll get there. This morning he came home from work and when he came to bed he wrapped himself around me and I thought "Yes! This is what I need, this makes a world of difference."
I like to think I'm easy to please. And I will be much easier to get along with. I just need to work out some of the bugs from previous administration. We'll get there.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Flip
You know, I think I'm going to just have to let him flip out sometimes instead of doing all I can do to avoid it. That's what Mom does with Calvin and she made him into a monster. Jeff is already 10 times beyond what Calvin ever was... and, quite frankly, I don't want to live with that.
But I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to feel anymore pain than he already does. It comes at him from everywhere and I don't want to add to it. I do have to recognize, however, that I also can't take it all away. About 90% of his hurt comes from within him: his assumptions and expectations and over-reactions are all coming from somewhere inside. The rest of it is from his family, Ruby's mom, friends. I don't want to add to it, I don't want to be a source of his hurt.
It will be different when we're living together. Right now I get sensitive about him going on Tumblr but not texting me, I don't know whether I need to be with him or give him space. We are conducting this relationship through a wi-fi network. I'm not saying there won't be problems when we live together. I'm not that innocent - I know we will have new and probably bigger problems for a while. But these ones in particular will be gone.
I need to stop over-analyzing this. I need to move forward and do my best, I need to make adjustments along the way, I need to accept that I can't control everything. He is his own person, his life experience is a million miles away from my own -the good and the bad- and he is going to deal with things in his way. We are two separate people, together but still apart.
But I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to feel anymore pain than he already does. It comes at him from everywhere and I don't want to add to it. I do have to recognize, however, that I also can't take it all away. About 90% of his hurt comes from within him: his assumptions and expectations and over-reactions are all coming from somewhere inside. The rest of it is from his family, Ruby's mom, friends. I don't want to add to it, I don't want to be a source of his hurt.
It will be different when we're living together. Right now I get sensitive about him going on Tumblr but not texting me, I don't know whether I need to be with him or give him space. We are conducting this relationship through a wi-fi network. I'm not saying there won't be problems when we live together. I'm not that innocent - I know we will have new and probably bigger problems for a while. But these ones in particular will be gone.
I need to stop over-analyzing this. I need to move forward and do my best, I need to make adjustments along the way, I need to accept that I can't control everything. He is his own person, his life experience is a million miles away from my own -the good and the bad- and he is going to deal with things in his way. We are two separate people, together but still apart.
Work?
Today I'm supposed to meet with the landlords at our new place. But I don't want to.
I lied when I filled out the application and said that I work at Kelsey's. I thought I would, that was Saturday and I honestly thought I would get the job on Monday. Now it's Saturday again and I am still unemployed. And I have less hope of finding something half decent than ever. It will be hard to put a smile on my face. Especially if they ask me about work.
I lied when I filled out the application and said that I work at Kelsey's. I thought I would, that was Saturday and I honestly thought I would get the job on Monday. Now it's Saturday again and I am still unemployed. And I have less hope of finding something half decent than ever. It will be hard to put a smile on my face. Especially if they ask me about work.
Fears
My greatest fear is that loving him the way I do will make things worse instead of better. I mean my giving without receiving, loving without asking for much in return. He flips out so easily and, I admit, I do and say things I don't particularly want to do and say so that I can keep the peace.
But honestly, one thing I rarely question is whether or not I want to be with him. I don't even understand why I don't question it most of the time.
He just makes me ache. His life and his pain squeeze my heart so much that all I want to do is squeeze him back. Even though, by that point, he's usually running in the other direction.
I think something important that I've learned is we are ever changing. If he's being a jerk, it doesn't mean he is a jerk or he's going to be a jerk all the time. He's just being a jerk right now. And there's usually a reason for it - although sometimes it's just the fact that he's being selfish.
Maybe that's the worry. That my giving will only make him more selfish. And that I will have to pay the price for that selfishness.
When I tell him that I love him, does he feel he deserves that love? Has he earned it? Or am I just some fool who throws around her love like a charity. Although he does feel as if he deserves charity.
It's going to come to a head soon and it's not going to be pretty.
But honestly, one thing I rarely question is whether or not I want to be with him. I don't even understand why I don't question it most of the time.
He just makes me ache. His life and his pain squeeze my heart so much that all I want to do is squeeze him back. Even though, by that point, he's usually running in the other direction.
I think something important that I've learned is we are ever changing. If he's being a jerk, it doesn't mean he is a jerk or he's going to be a jerk all the time. He's just being a jerk right now. And there's usually a reason for it - although sometimes it's just the fact that he's being selfish.
Maybe that's the worry. That my giving will only make him more selfish. And that I will have to pay the price for that selfishness.
When I tell him that I love him, does he feel he deserves that love? Has he earned it? Or am I just some fool who throws around her love like a charity. Although he does feel as if he deserves charity.
It's going to come to a head soon and it's not going to be pretty.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Harder than hard
This is so fucking hard. I mean, I knew it would be but actually going through it is a whole lot different than imagining the concept of it. No money, no car, no means to prepare or store healthy food. Shit everywhere, a man that is distant and confrontational at best. No fucking job, no fucking life.
I know it will get better. I don't doubt it for a second. That doesn't make going through this part much easier, though.
And my head hurts from banging it on Julie's aunt's car yesterday. And I am losing my mind.
Just let it out
Did I tell you I deleted my Tumblr? Yeah, Jeff deleted his the other day after he flipped out about me getting upset about the helmet comment. So, in an act of solidarity, I deleted mine, too. He set a new one up immediately. I did not.
All I was doing on there was flirting back and forth with him, anyway. It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will. Since we've been back together I thought there would be a point where I stopped my account and let the Tumblr be his thing. It's his best means of socialization and human interaction. And here we are.
"It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will." Want to get into that comment a little deeper? Probably not... but too bad, future me!
When we first got together, I figured I'd move to Barrie in September. We discussed me coming sooner, like in June, but I wasn't really comfortable with that. I'd made a commitment to my mother and I wanted to keep it. In the meantime we broke up several times, we stopped speaking, we dated other people, I honestly thought that he hated my guts and would never speak to me again. And after all of that, I moved to Barrie in September.
After our visit in February, I told him that I wanted to break up for a while. I felt that he needed to get through some stuff on his own just so he would be able to see that he could. His whole life people were putting him in hospitals and jail and on the street so he never learned that he could actually get through bad times on his own. It was hard on him, it was hard on us, and he does bring it up when he gets mad at me and asks if I'm going to leave and just come back when all the bad stuff is over. But what I hoped would happen happened. He got through it and he is a different person because of it. He's stronger, more confident in himself and I think he recognizes his worth as a human being.
The apartment. Turned out exactly as I expected. In every way. Even after I thought I'd have to compromise and adjust, we got what we were looking for. Just like my apartment in Cloverdale. Just like my job at The Renaissance. Just like when I left Joe's. Just like when I moved to Debra's. Just like when I moved to Mom and Dad's. So weird.
Anyway, I'm not retelling all of this stuff because I think I'm awesome and amazing (although I will admit I do). I'm trying to remind myself that things work out in the end. The road getting there might be -and usually is- quite different than expected. But I still get there.
I need to get a job. It's weighing on me. Financially, emotionally and now I'm just kind of getting a complex. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I've been stuck on that for too long. I'm not doing anything wrong, I just need to keep trying. I can't see myself anywhere definite yet and it's making me falter. I don't know which way to turn. I know I need to adjust but adjust how? Where? To what? I can't find my course. And I think that's what's bothering me the most.
All I was doing on there was flirting back and forth with him, anyway. It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will. Since we've been back together I thought there would be a point where I stopped my account and let the Tumblr be his thing. It's his best means of socialization and human interaction. And here we are.
"It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will." Want to get into that comment a little deeper? Probably not... but too bad, future me!
When we first got together, I figured I'd move to Barrie in September. We discussed me coming sooner, like in June, but I wasn't really comfortable with that. I'd made a commitment to my mother and I wanted to keep it. In the meantime we broke up several times, we stopped speaking, we dated other people, I honestly thought that he hated my guts and would never speak to me again. And after all of that, I moved to Barrie in September.
After our visit in February, I told him that I wanted to break up for a while. I felt that he needed to get through some stuff on his own just so he would be able to see that he could. His whole life people were putting him in hospitals and jail and on the street so he never learned that he could actually get through bad times on his own. It was hard on him, it was hard on us, and he does bring it up when he gets mad at me and asks if I'm going to leave and just come back when all the bad stuff is over. But what I hoped would happen happened. He got through it and he is a different person because of it. He's stronger, more confident in himself and I think he recognizes his worth as a human being.
The apartment. Turned out exactly as I expected. In every way. Even after I thought I'd have to compromise and adjust, we got what we were looking for. Just like my apartment in Cloverdale. Just like my job at The Renaissance. Just like when I left Joe's. Just like when I moved to Debra's. Just like when I moved to Mom and Dad's. So weird.
Anyway, I'm not retelling all of this stuff because I think I'm awesome and amazing (although I will admit I do). I'm trying to remind myself that things work out in the end. The road getting there might be -and usually is- quite different than expected. But I still get there.
I need to get a job. It's weighing on me. Financially, emotionally and now I'm just kind of getting a complex. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I've been stuck on that for too long. I'm not doing anything wrong, I just need to keep trying. I can't see myself anywhere definite yet and it's making me falter. I don't know which way to turn. I know I need to adjust but adjust how? Where? To what? I can't find my course. And I think that's what's bothering me the most.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Bankrupt/Bankfucked
So, the scenario is my bankruptcy gets discharged in March. Right now I have the potential of getting hired for two jobs (haha), one paying $35,000 and the other possibly $50,000. If I get the one paying $50,000 they could extend my bankruptcy for another fucking year!
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of . I mean, I get that if I start making more money my creditors should be paid more, too. I have no problem with that. But to be under the stigma and limitations of bankruptcy for another year because I'm turning my life around? That's bullshit.
They said that, because my income has been $0 since June, it probably wouldn't make a difference. Probably. But they can't tell me until after I'm actually making the money and then it's too late. And the guy says "god forbid, then you could always quit the job". WHAT THE FUCK???
Yeah, I'm probably blowing this out of proportion but it's bullshit and it smells like it. Fuck me.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of . I mean, I get that if I start making more money my creditors should be paid more, too. I have no problem with that. But to be under the stigma and limitations of bankruptcy for another year because I'm turning my life around? That's bullshit.
They said that, because my income has been $0 since June, it probably wouldn't make a difference. Probably. But they can't tell me until after I'm actually making the money and then it's too late. And the guy says "god forbid, then you could always quit the job". WHAT THE FUCK???
Yeah, I'm probably blowing this out of proportion but it's bullshit and it smells like it. Fuck me.
Stress
Yeah, getting kind of stressed about this whole job situation. I've had a couple of interviews with Kelsey's restaurant but I get the feeling they're just stringing me along now. Sue is bringing my resume to her HR chick today, they are looking for managers in Newmarket. Which could be pretty cool because I would make way more money, better hours and a half hour commute in which to wind down and sing before I get home.
When I was telling Jeff about the opportunity yesterday I realized something. Something that I already knew but really stood out because he was in a mood. Two things. He is always going to see the negative first. And he's pretty much always going to be in a mood.
Little miss positivity that I am, I really have no problem with that. I need someone who sees the other side of things -as I tend to miss the negative at first- and we usually start at different ends of the spectrum and meet somewhere in the middle. I guess I'm okay with him being in a mood most of the time as long as he gets over this bullshit of blaming me first.
The majority of arguments we have begin with him flipping out at me and me not able to figure out what the fuck is going on. Usually, though, it comes out that what is weighing on him is something entirely different than where he starts. I get that, the whole subconsciousness and all. I hope that he stops blaming me. But I guess that's just a pipe dream.
We'll figure it out. We have the important stuff, the base. The rest is going to take some work. But I don't doubt that we'll get there. And who wants easy, anyway?
When I was telling Jeff about the opportunity yesterday I realized something. Something that I already knew but really stood out because he was in a mood. Two things. He is always going to see the negative first. And he's pretty much always going to be in a mood.
Little miss positivity that I am, I really have no problem with that. I need someone who sees the other side of things -as I tend to miss the negative at first- and we usually start at different ends of the spectrum and meet somewhere in the middle. I guess I'm okay with him being in a mood most of the time as long as he gets over this bullshit of blaming me first.
The majority of arguments we have begin with him flipping out at me and me not able to figure out what the fuck is going on. Usually, though, it comes out that what is weighing on him is something entirely different than where he starts. I get that, the whole subconsciousness and all. I hope that he stops blaming me. But I guess that's just a pipe dream.
We'll figure it out. We have the important stuff, the base. The rest is going to take some work. But I don't doubt that we'll get there. And who wants easy, anyway?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Peace
It’s strange how different I feel when I’m in my own space.
There’s a certain peace that comes over me, the same peace that I feel when I’m
with Jeff. (I guess that’s how I knew I could live with him.) It’s a comfort that I just can’t achieve when
I’m in someone else’s home - even my own parent’s. No matter how much I
appreciate someone’s generosity, no matter how much they try to make me feel
welcome, there’s a part of me that will never quite settle.
Since I gave up my apartment and left BC almost exactly two
years ago, I have lived with Debra and Andrew; Mom, Dad, Calvin and David; Mom
and Calvin; Susan, her Jeff, Jaden, Rylan and Keyerah. Three homes, eleven
people, 2 years, no peace.
Now I’m about to move in with Jeff. He isn’t going to make
this easy on me. He’s a dick when he wants his own way and he’s a terror when
he gets worked up over something. But he’s also the man I love more than anyone
in the world. Even though sometimes I suspect he’ll be the death of me.
More on that later.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Fuck
Frustrated. Disappointed. Embarrassed. Embarrassed. Mostly embarrassed.
I wrote a short post saying that when I told my friends and family about Jeff originally I said "I think I found the man I'm going to marry" and everyone rolled their eyes.
It was just silly. He already knew that and he's the one who started proposing to me the day we met.
Yeah? Well, that's all fine and dandy. Until he reblogged it and said something like now he's frightened and he might need a helmet.
Do you have any idea how many people have looked at my blog since? Lots. They saw that he wrote that and linked over to my blog to see what a fucking idiot I am to say something so stupid. And I can't even tell him that I know that because he doesn't know I have a tracker set up on the fucking thing. I'm so pissed off.
Embarrassed.
Fucker is going to need more than a helmet.
I wrote a short post saying that when I told my friends and family about Jeff originally I said "I think I found the man I'm going to marry" and everyone rolled their eyes.
It was just silly. He already knew that and he's the one who started proposing to me the day we met.
Yeah? Well, that's all fine and dandy. Until he reblogged it and said something like now he's frightened and he might need a helmet.
Do you have any idea how many people have looked at my blog since? Lots. They saw that he wrote that and linked over to my blog to see what a fucking idiot I am to say something so stupid. And I can't even tell him that I know that because he doesn't know I have a tracker set up on the fucking thing. I'm so pissed off.
Embarrassed.
Fucker is going to need more than a helmet.
Amen, the follow up
I wrote that post on Saturday night when I was quite inebriated. There was nothing in particular going on, I was just out of sorts. As I usually get when I have too much to drink. Pot made me happy, booze makes me cry. But, either way, I got some stress out that was weighing on me.
The really funny part was Jeff's reaction. He started saying that I said mean things about him and that I made it look like he wasn't a good boyfriend and blah blah blah. In the middle of arguing with him about it, it suddenly occurred to me: all he was doing was proving my point, saying that I was wrong to write it and wrong to feel it. That shut him up pretty quick.
The really funny part was Jeff's reaction. He started saying that I said mean things about him and that I made it look like he wasn't a good boyfriend and blah blah blah. In the middle of arguing with him about it, it suddenly occurred to me: all he was doing was proving my point, saying that I was wrong to write it and wrong to feel it. That shut him up pretty quick.
Talking trash - WFT
I wrote this about Rob earlier and saved it in my drafts because I wanted to mull it over before I posted it. I think I will post it but, it occurs to me that immediately after I say I'm not going to stoop to his level I, in fact, stoop to his level. So I'm going to post it without the paragraph that cuts him down. I still wanted to keep it here but the part that is coming out is in italics. Actually, I haven't decided yet. I'll get back to you.
~~~~~~
I've never been one to participate in trash talk. So when I find out that someone in particular is cutting me down for his own personal gain, it gets pretty frustrating. I want to tell my side of the story, I want to scream that the things he says are only a tiny piece of the puzzle, I want to ring his neck for seemingly being a good person but then turning around and shit speaking about me just because he didn't get his own way.
Maybe it is time for me to speak up and defend myself. Maybe people are mistaking my silence as an admission of guilt. Maybe those people have no idea that they are being conned into believing that he is a good person and acting out of hurt instead of trying to win their sympathy and pity that he was so wronged as to have loved someone who didn't love him back. And it bothers me that there was a time that I believed he was genuine, too. I'm not going to lower myself to his level, though. I know what went on between us, I know what was said, I know without a doubt that I always acted honestly and straight from the heart. It's terribly sad that he feels so little respect for himself that he needs to belittle others to get attention. But I don't play those games.
When I was attempting to let him down gently, I treated him with respect and did everything I could to remain true to myself and my own needs while trying to protect his feelings and his reputation. I told him it was my love for another that made me not want to be by his side but it was actually my dislike for him and the way he treated me. I don't spend time with people who step on my words when I'm trying to speak, who question my motives when I try to do good, who bow down and agree with everything I say even if that means recanting their own opinion, who won't even let me open a damn door for myself. I cannot respect a man who cowers and hides behind his mother's skirt and refuses to live his life because he's afraid of getting hurt when, in actual fact, he's the only one that is causing the damage. And I sure as hell don't want to spend my time with someone who constantly tries to pressure me into doing things I don't want to do, into feeling things I don't feel and who talks to me in the same stupid little baby voice that he uses on his dog.
It doesn't matter anymore. I'm living my life, I'm taking chances, I'm loving a man with everything I have because I know that he is worth my love more than anyone ever has been before. The fact that someone I used to know is delighting in playing the victim to my supposed villainy in inconsequential to me. The fact that he is receiving pity from people who demand that he was wronged even though they have no idea of what actually happened doesn't bother me in the least.
But the fact that he is spreading stories and rumours about someone I love seemingly for his own entertainment I do have a problem with. And, as much as I would delight in giving him a swift kick in the ass for knowingly acting like a dick and pretending he is some kind of victim just so that the people in his computer will say "oh, poor baby, that mean old woman gone done you wrong and you were completely helpless in the whole situation", I am going to walk way. He has caused me enough trouble... I'm not giving him another minute of my time... after this -- I've said it privately and now I'll say it publicly: get out of my life and stay out. That includes your trash talk, asshole.
~~~~~~
I've never been one to participate in trash talk. So when I find out that someone in particular is cutting me down for his own personal gain, it gets pretty frustrating. I want to tell my side of the story, I want to scream that the things he says are only a tiny piece of the puzzle, I want to ring his neck for seemingly being a good person but then turning around and shit speaking about me just because he didn't get his own way.
Maybe it is time for me to speak up and defend myself. Maybe people are mistaking my silence as an admission of guilt. Maybe those people have no idea that they are being conned into believing that he is a good person and acting out of hurt instead of trying to win their sympathy and pity that he was so wronged as to have loved someone who didn't love him back. And it bothers me that there was a time that I believed he was genuine, too. I'm not going to lower myself to his level, though. I know what went on between us, I know what was said, I know without a doubt that I always acted honestly and straight from the heart. It's terribly sad that he feels so little respect for himself that he needs to belittle others to get attention. But I don't play those games.
When I was attempting to let him down gently, I treated him with respect and did everything I could to remain true to myself and my own needs while trying to protect his feelings and his reputation. I told him it was my love for another that made me not want to be by his side but it was actually my dislike for him and the way he treated me. I don't spend time with people who step on my words when I'm trying to speak, who question my motives when I try to do good, who bow down and agree with everything I say even if that means recanting their own opinion, who won't even let me open a damn door for myself. I cannot respect a man who cowers and hides behind his mother's skirt and refuses to live his life because he's afraid of getting hurt when, in actual fact, he's the only one that is causing the damage. And I sure as hell don't want to spend my time with someone who constantly tries to pressure me into doing things I don't want to do, into feeling things I don't feel and who talks to me in the same stupid little baby voice that he uses on his dog.
It doesn't matter anymore. I'm living my life, I'm taking chances, I'm loving a man with everything I have because I know that he is worth my love more than anyone ever has been before. The fact that someone I used to know is delighting in playing the victim to my supposed villainy in inconsequential to me. The fact that he is receiving pity from people who demand that he was wronged even though they have no idea of what actually happened doesn't bother me in the least.
But the fact that he is spreading stories and rumours about someone I love seemingly for his own entertainment I do have a problem with. And, as much as I would delight in giving him a swift kick in the ass for knowingly acting like a dick and pretending he is some kind of victim just so that the people in his computer will say "oh, poor baby, that mean old woman gone done you wrong and you were completely helpless in the whole situation", I am going to walk way. He has caused me enough trouble... I'm not giving him another minute of my time... after this -- I've said it privately and now I'll say it publicly: get out of my life and stay out. That includes your trash talk, asshole.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Amen - WFT
I know I play a good game most of the time but inside I’m always wondering what I’m doing wrong. Why am I not like other people? What is it in me that makes me so fucking different all the time that I just don’t fit?
It’s not intentional, as my parents always accusingly claimed. It’s not that I want to be different, it’s not that I want to be wrong. I don’t want to. I wish… I WISH I could be the same.
But I can’t because I’m not. No matter what I do. No matter which way I turn, I’m different. I’m wrong.
Do you think it’s easy being me? To be backward? To constantly feel at odds with EVERYONE I’ve EVER met?? The closest I’ve been to peace is to find someone who is the complete opposite of me. But even then these fucking dickheads need to piss on it because I’m not the person they think that I’m supposed to be.
I’m seriously ready to blow a gasket. Leaving my family whom I love but are so opposite that I have to constantly make amends. Living with these people whom I love but who completely don’t get me. Loving this man who gets me on so many different levels yet probably has no idea what to do with me.
No, I’m not done. But I’m frustrated and I’m pissed off and I’m worried and I’m scared and I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know where the fuck I’m supposed to go so I just hope. That’s all I do - I hope. That I’m right. That everything is going to be okay. That I don’t fuck everything up. That it will work out. That he loves me as much as I need him to. That I don’t fucking take this belt and tie it to the rafters before it’s too late. I hope. And I pray to a god I don’t even believe in. And I close my eyes and trust that I’m going to be alright.
I think I need to poop. Amen.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
More than a feeling - WFT
It's the weirdest thing. I mean, you constantly hear about it in fictional media and we grow up wanting to believe in the fairy tale of it. But, until you experience it first hand, it is only a concept.
I never feel more right than when he is next to me, I am never more at peace than when we share the same breathing space. Sure he drives me crazy sometimes, absolutely I piss him off frequently - it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything. I want to be near him and, when I'm not, something feels slightly off kilter.
My whole life has been spent feeling most comfortable alone. I've been in relationships before but I wasn't in love as much as I was in love with being in love. I enjoyed the feeling of having a full heart but I rarely wanted to actually spend time with the person. In fact, most of my energy in relationships was spent trying to get away from them. Even with my family and platonic friendships, I liked togetherness sometimes but I didn't need it, I didn't crave it, most of the time I didn't even want it.
In the very early days of our relationship I wrote words that I didn't even completely understand at the time. All I knew was that he changed something in me, something inside my soul was present that hadn't existed before he came into my life. It's hard to put into words... I just felt right. He felt right. We felt right.
Believe it or not, I have never been a romantic person. I don't expect poetry and flowers, I don't long to look into another's eyes so that I can see myself reflected there kind of crap. I am a mature and independent woman; I am a free spirit who, until now, has been charting her own course through life. And if I were you and you were me and I was reading this stuff you had written about some guy you met on the internet? My eyes would roll back into my skull so far they'd probably completely rotate. Weirdo romantic fool who is living in some kind of fantasy land.
Oh, but when you live it? When you feel it? You know there can be no other way.
You
You lend me strength when I want to be weak.
You teach me compassion when I'm feeling indifferent.
You sing to me songs my heart has never heard.
You show me possibilities I was afraid to believe.
You help me understand the lessons of my past.
You give me hope for a million tomorrows.
You make me a better person, on the outside where it counts.
You lead me to myself.
You lead me to myself.
- written January 2011
I never feel more right than when he is next to me, I am never more at peace than when we share the same breathing space. Sure he drives me crazy sometimes, absolutely I piss him off frequently - it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything. I want to be near him and, when I'm not, something feels slightly off kilter.
My whole life has been spent feeling most comfortable alone. I've been in relationships before but I wasn't in love as much as I was in love with being in love. I enjoyed the feeling of having a full heart but I rarely wanted to actually spend time with the person. In fact, most of my energy in relationships was spent trying to get away from them. Even with my family and platonic friendships, I liked togetherness sometimes but I didn't need it, I didn't crave it, most of the time I didn't even want it.
In the very early days of our relationship I wrote words that I didn't even completely understand at the time. All I knew was that he changed something in me, something inside my soul was present that hadn't existed before he came into my life. It's hard to put into words... I just felt right. He felt right. We felt right.
Believe it or not, I have never been a romantic person. I don't expect poetry and flowers, I don't long to look into another's eyes so that I can see myself reflected there kind of crap. I am a mature and independent woman; I am a free spirit who, until now, has been charting her own course through life. And if I were you and you were me and I was reading this stuff you had written about some guy you met on the internet? My eyes would roll back into my skull so far they'd probably completely rotate. Weirdo romantic fool who is living in some kind of fantasy land.
Oh, but when you live it? When you feel it? You know there can be no other way.
You
You lend me strength when I want to be weak.
You teach me compassion when I'm feeling indifferent.
You sing to me songs my heart has never heard.
You show me possibilities I was afraid to believe.
You help me understand the lessons of my past.
You give me hope for a million tomorrows.
You make me a better person, on the outside where it counts.
You lead me to myself.
You lead me to myself.
- written January 2011
Whoremoans - WFT
There was a time not so long ago that I laughed in the face of people who would talk about the ticking biological clock. Having children really wasn’t something that interested me; I was too self involved, too unsure of my own world to consider bringing someone else into it.
I remember the moment I felt the first pang. I was 37 and had just moved back into my condo -after yet another failed relationship attempt- and was awakened by the cries coming from my neighbours’ infant. Awakened by a physical ache that truly caught me off guard. Tick tock.
Now here I am, weeks away from my 40th birthday, much less self involved and much more self-aware, and I can’t get away from the ticking of this clock. Where once it didn’t make any kind of difference to me if there was a child in the room, now they are the most forceful magnets imaginable.
I don’t know if I will ever create a life; I honestly have no idea if I am even physically capable. The thought of pregnancy and giving birth absolutely scares the shit out of me. And the chance of me being able to afford to have a child before my biological clock gives out is exceptionally slim.
But someday, when we decide we are ready to take the chance, I will stop religiously taking birth control. Someday I will set my body free and allow nature to take over and do what it will. Someday I will know if motherhood is a privilege I will be blessed with. I do my best to not hope too hard one way or the other but sometimes it’s a struggle. Then a screaming child bangs into my chair and stomps on my foot at the airport and I realize that I’m completely okay with letting fate make this decision for me.
I remember the moment I felt the first pang. I was 37 and had just moved back into my condo -after yet another failed relationship attempt- and was awakened by the cries coming from my neighbours’ infant. Awakened by a physical ache that truly caught me off guard. Tick tock.
Now here I am, weeks away from my 40th birthday, much less self involved and much more self-aware, and I can’t get away from the ticking of this clock. Where once it didn’t make any kind of difference to me if there was a child in the room, now they are the most forceful magnets imaginable.
I don’t know if I will ever create a life; I honestly have no idea if I am even physically capable. The thought of pregnancy and giving birth absolutely scares the shit out of me. And the chance of me being able to afford to have a child before my biological clock gives out is exceptionally slim.
But someday, when we decide we are ready to take the chance, I will stop religiously taking birth control. Someday I will set my body free and allow nature to take over and do what it will. Someday I will know if motherhood is a privilege I will be blessed with. I do my best to not hope too hard one way or the other but sometimes it’s a struggle. Then a screaming child bangs into my chair and stomps on my foot at the airport and I realize that I’m completely okay with letting fate make this decision for me.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Ring this
This is what I want to say to her:
I won't be asking for the rings again. If you don't want me to have them or didn't think that my own judgement was good enough, you shouldn't have said yes. I wanted my wedding rings to be special, to really mean something. But I'll get other rings somewhere else. This hurt me, by the way. I don't think that was your intention but it's how I feel. This is my life and I'm not going to let it become some kind of power struggle with you. I will get married when Jeff and I are ready, not when you say it's okay.
And I'd like to add a big fuck you asshole but I know that's just because I'm hurting right now. Like, a lot.
I won't be asking for the rings again. If you don't want me to have them or didn't think that my own judgement was good enough, you shouldn't have said yes. I wanted my wedding rings to be special, to really mean something. But I'll get other rings somewhere else. This hurt me, by the way. I don't think that was your intention but it's how I feel. This is my life and I'm not going to let it become some kind of power struggle with you. I will get married when Jeff and I are ready, not when you say it's okay.
And I'd like to add a big fuck you asshole but I know that's just because I'm hurting right now. Like, a lot.
Ring around my neck
I asked Mom if I could bring her rings with me when I leave. She answered with a quick and blunt "no". When I asked why not she said she wouldn't give them to me until I knew what I was doing. I told her I do, we're getting married. I don't know when but I don't want them to be shipped in the mail or something. And I could start wearing the engagement ring.
I hate it when people try to control me like that. She gets off on the fact that she has control of me and it is really pissing me off. But she does. Financially, she is still in control.
Well, fuck you. We'll get other rings and I won't wear hers at all. Would that be better, Mother? What a waste. She shouldn't have said yes if she didn't mean it.
I fucking hate how... fuck this. I don't give a shit. I'm really really pissed off right now and this is not going to end well.
I hate it when people try to control me like that. She gets off on the fact that she has control of me and it is really pissing me off. But she does. Financially, she is still in control.
Well, fuck you. We'll get other rings and I won't wear hers at all. Would that be better, Mother? What a waste. She shouldn't have said yes if she didn't mean it.
I fucking hate how... fuck this. I don't give a shit. I'm really really pissed off right now and this is not going to end well.
Oh me nerves
As I sit here in my mother's living room, there is a very real possibility that I am single and I don't even know it. I left Barrie Saturday evening and Jeff and I have been fighting off and on ever since. Mom's birthday party was yesterday and I got really drunk. I went upstairs because I was getting upset missing Dad and, when I looked at Jeff's Tumblr, this is what he'd written:
Obviously he was joking around but I didn't think it was very cool to make me out to be some psycho woman because I'm not -- well, I am but I try to contain it to this journal. So, already being drunk and upset, I sent a text asking why he was saying mean things about me. But we didn't need to talk about it at that moment, he said we do and that I should call. Which I did. I know all this because of the information I gathered on my phones. What I don't know is what happened next. And he is not replying to my texts and he's not online. It could be as simple as him being asleep. But, as more time passes, the likely hood of that is decreasing rapidly.
I thought we weren't going to do this this time. But it's been happening over and over and over. It's really getting on my nerves. I know he's tired and frustrated, I know it's hard to be apart. But fuck! This sucks. Immensely.
Obviously he was joking around but I didn't think it was very cool to make me out to be some psycho woman because I'm not -- well, I am but I try to contain it to this journal. So, already being drunk and upset, I sent a text asking why he was saying mean things about me. But we didn't need to talk about it at that moment, he said we do and that I should call. Which I did. I know all this because of the information I gathered on my phones. What I don't know is what happened next. And he is not replying to my texts and he's not online. It could be as simple as him being asleep. But, as more time passes, the likely hood of that is decreasing rapidly.
I thought we weren't going to do this this time. But it's been happening over and over and over. It's really getting on my nerves. I know he's tired and frustrated, I know it's hard to be apart. But fuck! This sucks. Immensely.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Even better
All I want to do right now is eat.
But I won't.
Maybe I'll go for a walk instead.
Or just go back to sleep.
But I won't.
Maybe I'll go for a walk instead.
Or just go back to sleep.
Happy Thanksgiving
I am so fucking pissed off with him right now I can't even tell you. My blood is boiling.
I'm in Newfoundland. I came home for the weekend to surprise Mom for her 65th birthday. And I can get the rest of my stuff and finish up some things that I had to leave hanging when I left three weeks ago. Being on Tom's benefits the flight cost a whopping $10, which Mom paid for obviously. How could I not come? Quite frankly, why would I not come? Let's ask Jeff why.
Oh, right, he's not really talking to me. He flipped at me yesterday. Because I didn't text him before I left for the airport. While he was asleep. Even though he didn't text me the night before when he was working. You know what? The who's and the what's and the how come's don't matter in the least. His behaviour is the problem here.
Just what does he want from me? Fine, dude, go it on your own. You think I should be punished because I have a family who loves me? Even though you're perfectly fine taking their fucking money. You know what? That shit doesn't matter, either. I'm ready to punch a whole through this fucking computer. No, not really. I'm just frustrated. He doesn't play fair. And he expects me to just sit here and take it. Actually, I guess he doesn't. He expects me to walk. And, if he keeps this up, he's going to make it happen.
So I'm going on lock down. Complete radio silence. I don't need his bullshit boohoopoorme sob stories right now. If he wants me, he can come looking for me. I am not going to chase him and beg him to love me. In so many ways, I'm probably better off without him. As sad as that may be.
Note to self: alcohol will be consumed this weekend. Do not, DO NOT contact him while inebriated. I mean it.
I'm in Newfoundland. I came home for the weekend to surprise Mom for her 65th birthday. And I can get the rest of my stuff and finish up some things that I had to leave hanging when I left three weeks ago. Being on Tom's benefits the flight cost a whopping $10, which Mom paid for obviously. How could I not come? Quite frankly, why would I not come? Let's ask Jeff why.
Oh, right, he's not really talking to me. He flipped at me yesterday. Because I didn't text him before I left for the airport. While he was asleep. Even though he didn't text me the night before when he was working. You know what? The who's and the what's and the how come's don't matter in the least. His behaviour is the problem here.
Just what does he want from me? Fine, dude, go it on your own. You think I should be punished because I have a family who loves me? Even though you're perfectly fine taking their fucking money. You know what? That shit doesn't matter, either. I'm ready to punch a whole through this fucking computer. No, not really. I'm just frustrated. He doesn't play fair. And he expects me to just sit here and take it. Actually, I guess he doesn't. He expects me to walk. And, if he keeps this up, he's going to make it happen.
So I'm going on lock down. Complete radio silence. I don't need his bullshit boohoopoorme sob stories right now. If he wants me, he can come looking for me. I am not going to chase him and beg him to love me. In so many ways, I'm probably better off without him. As sad as that may be.
Note to self: alcohol will be consumed this weekend. Do not, DO NOT contact him while inebriated. I mean it.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Monday, October 03, 2011
The rest of the story
He sent an email tonight asking if I was ready for my interview tomorrow. Then he said: I want to let you know I do love you, no matter what. And I want to wish you good luck. I want to wish us both good luck. It will be okay.
It was the "no matter what" part that concerned me. I replied asking if we're okay.
This is his reply: I am fine now. We being okay is more up to you. I realize you are female and disposed to bizarre emotions...I just need you to be logical. Look at what is really going on rather than what you think is.
Then I said: I'm all in, Jeff. Now and always.
He: Yes I do. But I need you to be fair. You cannot get mad at me for something I am not even aware I am doing...
It was the "no matter what" part that concerned me. I replied asking if we're okay.
This is his reply: I am fine now. We being okay is more up to you. I realize you are female and disposed to bizarre emotions...I just need you to be logical. Look at what is really going on rather than what you think is.
Then I said: I'm all in, Jeff. Now and always.
Sometimes I am going to have feelings and emotions that you don't understand - I have no choice, they are a package deal with the vagina. I have tried a million different things throughout my life to get rid of or avoid them but it only makes things worse. I've learned that I have to deal with them so they don't build up and explode. And writing is how I let everything out and then step back to see if they are rational.
If I think my feelings are rational and need further remedy, I will bring them to you. In a calm and logical manner. If they are silly or temporary, I will keep them to myself. Does that work for you?
But there are going to be times when we bump heads - I don't think it's possible for two people to spend so much time together and not frustrate each other from time to time - and we need to learn how to disagree without getting to the point where we threaten to walk away. Because that's just downright scary.
These are things that will work themselves out. It will just take time. I will go to hell and back to be with you; I hope you feel that way, too.
Me: I know. I will do my best, I promise.
And everything is back to normal...
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Fighter
“Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level, then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain
I fucking hate fighting with him. He's one of those people who will turn everything you say around. It doesn't matter what you say, he will never listen to what you mean. The world revolves so completely around him that he can't see past himself. And I know he'll always be like that. And it's something I've accepted. There just has to be better ways to communicate and work through these things. Although I'm fucked if I can figure out that better way at this point. Criminey.
I fucking hate fighting with him. He's one of those people who will turn everything you say around. It doesn't matter what you say, he will never listen to what you mean. The world revolves so completely around him that he can't see past himself. And I know he'll always be like that. And it's something I've accepted. There just has to be better ways to communicate and work through these things. Although I'm fucked if I can figure out that better way at this point. Criminey.
Thoughts and such
I was just thinking about how I'm not freaking out about this whole thing that's going on with Jeff today. There is a very real possibility that he is getting ready to dump me and I'm calm and going about my business. What about all the stuff from the past couple of months? Isn't this the man that I said I wanted to spend my life with? Am I okay with this? Is this even possibly something that I want?
The truth is, at this moment, I don't know. I mean, no, I want it to work out. I have a lot invested in this and it would be a devastating break. At the same time, if we break up over this, I'd rather do it now than later. I might feel like I have a my heart invested now but, damn, later would be a whole other ballgame. Also, if we can't make it through something this small, then we probably shouldn't be together.
Or maybe it's because I believe in us and I think what we have is big enough to weather this. Maybe I know we'll have bad times and we have to learn to get through them or it's not going to work anyway.
Maybe I'm a little numb. Maybe I know that there's no sense in worrying about something until there's something worth worrying about. Maybe I don't want to think about it anymore for a while.
The truth is, at this moment, I don't know. I mean, no, I want it to work out. I have a lot invested in this and it would be a devastating break. At the same time, if we break up over this, I'd rather do it now than later. I might feel like I have a my heart invested now but, damn, later would be a whole other ballgame. Also, if we can't make it through something this small, then we probably shouldn't be together.
Or maybe it's because I believe in us and I think what we have is big enough to weather this. Maybe I know we'll have bad times and we have to learn to get through them or it's not going to work anyway.
Maybe I'm a little numb. Maybe I know that there's no sense in worrying about something until there's something worth worrying about. Maybe I don't want to think about it anymore for a while.
Insignificant
That's how he makes me feel. Insignificant.
Yesterday we had a fight because I told him he makes me feel used sometimes. He flipped out, of course, and I spent the rest of the days trying to apologize because I didn't mean it. And I didn't meant it, but only because I was using the wrong word.
It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. Actually, yes, it does. I'm his adoring audience. He doesn't need to touch me or kiss me or say good night; I lie awake half the night rubbing his back because he's having some nightmare or another; he gets up in the morning and throws the fucking pillow on my head.
Now, if I was to complain because he threw the pillow on my head this morning he would tell me that I'm being silly or crazy or acting like a woman or some shit like that. The problem wasn't him throwing the pillow on my head, it was that he didn't even recognize I was there in the first place.
I don't ask for much. I'm not looking for someone to cater to me or live for me or make sure their every waking thought is about me. But I'd like to be touched sometimes. I'd like to be kissed. I'd like to be acknowledged - and not just after he's popped his half-dozen codine pills.
Things will be changing after today, anyway. He starts his new job tomorrow and his landlords come home then, too. So there will be no more sleepovers. His shifts are 7pm to 7am anyway so, if he's not working, he'll most likely be sleeping and I won't see him very much. It's sad that I'm looking forward to that.
I'm not saying that this is a relationship ender or a
....aaaaand that's when he came over to where I was sitting and I closed the computer and all hell broke loose. It's about eight hours later and he's still freaking out a little. (I left there shortly after.) I don't know what's going to happen now.
Fuck this bullshit. I'm hate fucking relationships so fucking bad. Fuck.
It would be a hell of a lot easier to just walk away right now. I'm so tempted...
Yesterday we had a fight because I told him he makes me feel used sometimes. He flipped out, of course, and I spent the rest of the days trying to apologize because I didn't mean it. And I didn't meant it, but only because I was using the wrong word.
It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. Actually, yes, it does. I'm his adoring audience. He doesn't need to touch me or kiss me or say good night; I lie awake half the night rubbing his back because he's having some nightmare or another; he gets up in the morning and throws the fucking pillow on my head.
Now, if I was to complain because he threw the pillow on my head this morning he would tell me that I'm being silly or crazy or acting like a woman or some shit like that. The problem wasn't him throwing the pillow on my head, it was that he didn't even recognize I was there in the first place.
I don't ask for much. I'm not looking for someone to cater to me or live for me or make sure their every waking thought is about me. But I'd like to be touched sometimes. I'd like to be kissed. I'd like to be acknowledged - and not just after he's popped his half-dozen codine pills.
Things will be changing after today, anyway. He starts his new job tomorrow and his landlords come home then, too. So there will be no more sleepovers. His shifts are 7pm to 7am anyway so, if he's not working, he'll most likely be sleeping and I won't see him very much. It's sad that I'm looking forward to that.
I'm not saying that this is a relationship ender or a
....aaaaand that's when he came over to where I was sitting and I closed the computer and all hell broke loose. It's about eight hours later and he's still freaking out a little. (I left there shortly after.) I don't know what's going to happen now.
Fuck this bullshit. I'm hate fucking relationships so fucking bad. Fuck.
It would be a hell of a lot easier to just walk away right now. I'm so tempted...
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Interesting
I think my Tumblr friend Nikki just put into words how I'm different, or what it is that gives me a light heart when so many others are heavy. Actually, it is me when her words were reversed.
She said: "We judge people based on their actions, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions."
I judge myself on my actions and I judge others on their intentions.
That's really interesting. I'm going to ponder it further.
She said: "We judge people based on their actions, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions."
I judge myself on my actions and I judge others on their intentions.
That's really interesting. I'm going to ponder it further.
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