It's weird. During the past couple of weeks I have thought about, considered, and actually attempted sucking my thumb for the first time in years. Not that I'll get back into the habit, I just think about it a lot. I catch myself almost opening my mouth, craving whatever kind of comfort it was that I got from it. Can you believe I did that at every possible moment for more than 37 years? Crazy.
I also think about getting high frequently. And I eat constantly when I'm home alone. I think it's coping mechanisms. Those are the things that I did for all of those years. The food has always been an issue and, once I got my thumb out of my mouth, I replaced it with a joint. Same soothing sensation. Same sense of calm and comfort.
We're doing okay again now. We talked earlier and I explained the touch. It was hard. It was really hard and he had to pull it out of me. But it's out there and I think he gets it to a degree. He has been attentive since.
We also talked about his Tumblr post. I commented that it was about him pushing me away but he said I should read it again because he was saying the exact opposite. It's so hard for him to let go and trust in us. He said that every day when he comes home he half expects me to be gone. And that the feeling will continue for a long time. But I asked if he understood that I would be more apt to stay if he treated me well.
He asked me what I wanted. Like, literally said the words. I think that's the first time anyone has ever done that. Such a simple thing... I bet he has no idea of the positive impact it has made on our relationship.
All in all, through the struggles and getting to know each other, I never even consider leaving him. These are things that we need to go through; we are learning and, as long as we keep trying, I think we're going to be fine.
Weird.
