That's how he makes me feel. Insignificant.
Yesterday we had a fight because I told him he makes me feel used sometimes. He flipped out, of course, and I spent the rest of the days trying to apologize because I didn't mean it. And I didn't meant it, but only because I was using the wrong word.
It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. Actually, yes, it does. I'm his adoring audience. He doesn't need to touch me or kiss me or say good night; I lie awake half the night rubbing his back because he's having some nightmare or another; he gets up in the morning and throws the fucking pillow on my head.
Now, if I was to complain because he threw the pillow on my head this morning he would tell me that I'm being silly or crazy or acting like a woman or some shit like that. The problem wasn't him throwing the pillow on my head, it was that he didn't even recognize I was there in the first place.
I don't ask for much. I'm not looking for someone to cater to me or live for me or make sure their every waking thought is about me. But I'd like to be touched sometimes. I'd like to be kissed. I'd like to be acknowledged - and not just after he's popped his half-dozen codine pills.
Things will be changing after today, anyway. He starts his new job tomorrow and his landlords come home then, too. So there will be no more sleepovers. His shifts are 7pm to 7am anyway so, if he's not working, he'll most likely be sleeping and I won't see him very much. It's sad that I'm looking forward to that.
I'm not saying that this is a relationship ender or a
....aaaaand that's when he came over to where I was sitting and I closed the computer and all hell broke loose. It's about eight hours later and he's still freaking out a little. (I left there shortly after.) I don't know what's going to happen now.
Fuck this bullshit. I'm hate fucking relationships so fucking bad. Fuck.
It would be a hell of a lot easier to just walk away right now. I'm so tempted...
