My ex and I had discussed that she may be pregnant based on symptoms. So she went to the doctor to get it checked (I am not really sure why we just didn’t buy a home test).
And somewhere around noon she came home walked in the door looked at me and nodded. She smiled and said “You’re going to be a daddy”.
According to her I got a look on my face that said I wanted to run away, she said I reinforced this by looking at the window in a way that she said looked like I was measuring it to see if I could fit.
But the truth is not once did I consider running or escape. I was in shock for the first while. I was 36, an addict and drunk. I was lost and tumbling. Truth is I came to this town to kill myself. Just go hard for a few months and shut it down. I felt completely shocked and stunned. Blindsided by this strange new twist. Hell I didn’t even think I was healthy enough to make a child. But never, not once did I think ‘Man I got to get out of here!’.
Instead I stopped. I took measure and weighed the situation. I knew two things for certain. And one other thing seemed likely, but not entirely possible. Certainly I had to change how I lived. And within a couple weeks I had quit smoking (22 years and I quit cold turkey, my 5th year as a non-smoker is in a couple years) and within a few months I quit the drug abuse and alcohol abuse. The other certain thing I knew. I had no clue whatsoever what being a good father was. When I was younger I idealized it, telling people “Man someday I am gonna have kids and never the same stupid crap my parents did!”. So I had to figure out pretty quick how to learn to be a good father. It wasn’t going to be a turn the page change, I knew that. But I needed to open myself to the turn. And I did.
The last thing I thought may probably happen, did happen. Ruby’s mother and I wouldn’t stay together. Call me stupid and irresponsible. But I knew we were just doing time. There was a part of me that wanted to be wrong about that and beat the odds. But it didn’t look good. And sure enough. Before the baby was 1 I was moving out. I’d try again to make it work but couldn’t.It just was not going to happen. I like to believe that we came together to make the most amazing little girl in the world. And having done that fate said we needed to move on. And though it was crazy and rough at first. We have moved on.
5 years ago today my life changed. Forever. I can’t remember what it really was like to not be someones father. Though for months after she was born I walked around stupefied and mumbling to myself “I can’t believe I’m someones dad…What the hell???”.
And I am here and alive because of her. Because she gave me a reason to stay. To fight. Sometimes I believe Ruby means more to me than the average person, because she saved my life, because she gave a lost and broken man something to point himself at. Sometimes I think the average parent cannot understand that for me every kiss and every hug is a blessing, every time she calls me Daddy is grace. I owe her more than I can ever give back. What she has given me cannot even be measured.
I am the luckiest man in the world.
