Is this what life is always going to be like? A constant stream of unanswered questions, unrest, epiphanies in the middle of the night, torturing myself by trying to make the best decision for everyone?
I don't want to live like this. I need to commit myself one way or another. But I know that if I was pressed for a decision right now I would go. But I don't want to go. But I don't want to stay. I want to see into the future and know which is the best choice. That, however, is not an option. For some stupid reason.
At about 5:30am today I awoke with an epiphany, an answer. I had told myself to stop trying to decide what I could live with... because, I think we all know, I can put up with a lot. I decided to start looking to see if there was something I couldn't live without. Apparently it came to my subconscious and my subconscious woke me from my sleep. The answer should not surprise you. Affection. Compassion. Tenderness.
And I cried. And I moved on to the next stage - how, when, where.
But then he came home and fucked me and I was confused again. Not confused. Unsure, maybe. I say he fucked me because that's what we do. And I like it like that. But should there not be a point where he puts his arms around me? Where he leans against me? Where I feel comforted by his presence? I don't. I want to. I wish I did. I don't.
During the pivital scene of The Notebook, the lead guy asks the lead gal simply "what do you want?" Not what does everyone else want, not what should you do, not what will be easier or hurt others the least. Simply, what do you want. Take out all of those elements and what do I want? I want to go home.
But is it only because of the green grass?
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
But, honestly,
I don't have an answer right now. I can't give an absolute yes or no. I'm leaning toward going home but I'm not ready to discount the possibility that this place could be my home some day. I'm not ready to walk away from this and I refuse to live wishing I could. I'm just going to live. Wait. And see.
Who knows? No one.
Especially not me.
Who knows? No one.
Especially not me.
Be me
It's not that things are so horrible most of the time. I mean, we fight a lot more than I'd like but it's not all bad. In fact, when we are here together and his work isn't involved, we get along quite well. It's just the volatility. It's the ups and down. It's never knowing when the shoe is going to drop, when the text are going to start, when he will cross the line again... and maybe worse this time.
That's a big part of this, isn't it? It was beyond fighting, it was complete control and ultimate chaos. No, not complete and ultimate, but certainly a glimpse.
At this point I don't see myself wanting to be with him in the long long term. And if I'm not in all the way, why even bother? I know that's the way he feels, too. I seem to pull away a little more all the time. He senses it, he knows it's happening. My theory is that he almost wants me to go so he can shout a big "I told you so" to the universe.
I'm starting to feel the way I did with Ian. Like nothing I do is enough for him. Nothing will placate him. Like I can't be the person he wants me to be and I don't feel like trying much anymore. He would say that isn't true but he hasn't had an honest glimpse of who I want to be, has he? Maybe I should just be that person, then he'd see. But he would say I'm just doing it to push him away or to get a rise out of him.
He said he thinks that I do things to piss him off intentionally because I want the attention. Good god, dude. That is so not who I am. I want calm. I want to just be. Why can't we do that? Why can't we just have a little faith in each other and carry on with our lives? Would it really make a difference at this point? Probably not.
My theory is that the things that break relationships are apparent in the first three weeks, if not sooner. Yep, that applies here.
And I don't feel it would be going backward if I went back to Vancouver. It wouldn't be a failure. I left because I needed to know something. I felt there was something I was missing, something important. And I just wanted to see. Who I was, I guess. What life was like outside my bubble. And it's fine. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't need to be stoned, I don't need to cry my heart out constantly, I don't need to hate myself or anyone else. I can just be now. I can just be.
Be what? Good question.
That's a big part of this, isn't it? It was beyond fighting, it was complete control and ultimate chaos. No, not complete and ultimate, but certainly a glimpse.
At this point I don't see myself wanting to be with him in the long long term. And if I'm not in all the way, why even bother? I know that's the way he feels, too. I seem to pull away a little more all the time. He senses it, he knows it's happening. My theory is that he almost wants me to go so he can shout a big "I told you so" to the universe.
I'm starting to feel the way I did with Ian. Like nothing I do is enough for him. Nothing will placate him. Like I can't be the person he wants me to be and I don't feel like trying much anymore. He would say that isn't true but he hasn't had an honest glimpse of who I want to be, has he? Maybe I should just be that person, then he'd see. But he would say I'm just doing it to push him away or to get a rise out of him.
He said he thinks that I do things to piss him off intentionally because I want the attention. Good god, dude. That is so not who I am. I want calm. I want to just be. Why can't we do that? Why can't we just have a little faith in each other and carry on with our lives? Would it really make a difference at this point? Probably not.
My theory is that the things that break relationships are apparent in the first three weeks, if not sooner. Yep, that applies here.
And I don't feel it would be going backward if I went back to Vancouver. It wouldn't be a failure. I left because I needed to know something. I felt there was something I was missing, something important. And I just wanted to see. Who I was, I guess. What life was like outside my bubble. And it's fine. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't need to be stoned, I don't need to cry my heart out constantly, I don't need to hate myself or anyone else. I can just be now. I can just be.
Be what? Good question.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tonight's internal dialogue
I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can survive this. I don't know if I want to.
Prol'y not a good day.
Prol'y not a good day.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
The proof is in the pudding
And now we know why I keep these mental breakdowns to myself. I don't really feel that way. I mean, I did feel that way last night. After consuming a bottle of wine and some cider, after a shit day that started with an argument and ended with frustration with those fucking month end reports at work. After too many glances at the mirror, after sighs of exasperation and frustration, coupled with a nice bout of PMS and things exploded.
That's the way I do things. I think perhaps I let it boil up too much, I think I have a lot of shit not going right in my world currently but I also think that I need to not beat myself up about feeling not amazingly perfect at every moment. Things could be better, things could be worse, things are what they are. I need to fix what I'm able and willing to fix and find a way to accept everything else. Or at lease accept that life is a work in progress and that's what it always will be.
I'm far too fat for my liking but I don't seem to want to give up eating shit, so that's the consequence. I'm broke out of my mind but I don't want to work any harder than I am right now, so that's the consequence. Jeff drives me up the wall frequently but I love him and I love Ruby and I'm where I want to be, so that's the consequence.
I've done enough running away, enough starting over. I'm going to continue continuing. I know I'll get to where I need to go in the long run. Thanks for listening, though. I couldn't do it without you.
That's the way I do things. I think perhaps I let it boil up too much, I think I have a lot of shit not going right in my world currently but I also think that I need to not beat myself up about feeling not amazingly perfect at every moment. Things could be better, things could be worse, things are what they are. I need to fix what I'm able and willing to fix and find a way to accept everything else. Or at lease accept that life is a work in progress and that's what it always will be.
I'm far too fat for my liking but I don't seem to want to give up eating shit, so that's the consequence. I'm broke out of my mind but I don't want to work any harder than I am right now, so that's the consequence. Jeff drives me up the wall frequently but I love him and I love Ruby and I'm where I want to be, so that's the consequence.
I've done enough running away, enough starting over. I'm going to continue continuing. I know I'll get to where I need to go in the long run. Thanks for listening, though. I couldn't do it without you.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Ironically
Ironically, being this miserable at this point in my life is making me want to avoid pot more than need it. What kind of bullshit did I convince myself of in my constant inebriated state? Fuck.
Is this really the look you were going for, self?
Fucque.
I don't think
I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think I can handle it. Do what? Handle what, exactly? Life. This life I'm living. After all that I've done and all that I've been through, this is fucking bullshit.
Why am I living with this man who constantly whines and complains and bitches and freaks out? Why am I so fat, with my hair falling out, my skin looking like crap, wearing fucking welfare clothes? Why am I so unhappy, crying most of the time, completely pissed off when I'm not?
What was I thinking? What stoned fucking fairy tale did I conjure up and think I could make come true? It won't. It's not. It's bullshit. It's shit.
My life is worse than ever. Every day is a struggle. Every day I have to get up and listen to him complain, and tell me how I'm hurting him. And what I'm doing wrong.
I have to live in his home with his stuff and his boohooing and his kid and his way and his everything. I am not me anymore, I am an extension of him. An extension that needs to be severed.
Don't you see how gross I am? It's disgusting. And I know it's a reflection of the life I'm living. I keep trying to fix it, I keep hoping but it's just not making a difference. I am seriously in hell and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know where to turn, I don't know how to fix it. And I'm scared. That I'm sacrificing my life for his.
And I'm starting to hate him.
And I'm starting to hate him.
How will I get through this alive?
Why am I living with this man who constantly whines and complains and bitches and freaks out? Why am I so fat, with my hair falling out, my skin looking like crap, wearing fucking welfare clothes? Why am I so unhappy, crying most of the time, completely pissed off when I'm not?
What was I thinking? What stoned fucking fairy tale did I conjure up and think I could make come true? It won't. It's not. It's bullshit. It's shit.
My life is worse than ever. Every day is a struggle. Every day I have to get up and listen to him complain, and tell me how I'm hurting him. And what I'm doing wrong.
I have to live in his home with his stuff and his boohooing and his kid and his way and his everything. I am not me anymore, I am an extension of him. An extension that needs to be severed.
Don't you see how gross I am? It's disgusting. And I know it's a reflection of the life I'm living. I keep trying to fix it, I keep hoping but it's just not making a difference. I am seriously in hell and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know where to turn, I don't know how to fix it. And I'm scared. That I'm sacrificing my life for his.
And I'm starting to hate him.
And I'm starting to hate him.
How will I get through this alive?
Thursday, March 01, 2012
We're back
Okay, I think everything is back to normal now. I didn't think we'd make it through that... it was about a month of constant fighting. Not petty bickering, out and out yelling our heads off. Things are a little different for me now.
Do I still love him? I guess. Do I want to stay together? Sure, why not.
I'm in a holding pattern right now. He said some pretty hurtful things. He also took back all of the things I had been feeding off of to get through the crap... like that he wasn't committed to this and whatnot. He also got more physical than he's ever been, and more than I want anyone to be. He got in my face a couple of times and yanked on my ear so hard that I have tiny blood stains on my pillow to remind me. And him. I told him not to do it again. But I have to say, there is less trust there now.
But, in a strange way, this might be better in the long run. He's trying again. He's making an effort to give me the affection and respect that are so important to me. And I'm trying, too; I'm just not as giving as I was. And maybe that reminds him that this isn't bought and paid for... there's still some issues that need to be addressed. And time... we need time. I need time.
I've been pretty strung out about money, too. I keep commenting to him about how shitty he is with money but when I sat down last night to figure out where the hell all my cash is disappearing, I realized that I've been spending about $300 a month in take-out and booze. And $300 is about all I have extra. Plus I'm pushing maximum density here. And I don't have enough money to buy bigger clothes! And I don't want to. I finally got my hair cut the way I like it. I need to buy product but what I want will cost about $100. Fucking samples got me hooked. My skin is driving me crazy, too. I need to get more Peau Vive so I can get back to how it's supposed to be.
Been pretty stressed out about not having a car - to the extent that I applied for a higher paying job. But today I decided to suck it up for a while longer. I love where I am, I love what I do, I love the benefits, I love the hours, I love wanting to go to work every day. I'm not giving that up for a few hundred extra bucks a month. I just have to learn to live within my means. And once the weather warms up again, getting around won't be such a hassle. Although I do dread the extreme heat this summer but I will cross that bridge when I no longer feel like swimming past it.
Also I found myself crushing on Steve again more than I was comfortable with but I seem to be over that now, too. To be honest, if I wasn't with Jeff, I'd rather just be alone. I honestly don't know what the future holds. It is unclear but I'm listening to my instincts and moving forward... and that's the best I can do. And my best is my best.
Do I still love him? I guess. Do I want to stay together? Sure, why not.
I'm in a holding pattern right now. He said some pretty hurtful things. He also took back all of the things I had been feeding off of to get through the crap... like that he wasn't committed to this and whatnot. He also got more physical than he's ever been, and more than I want anyone to be. He got in my face a couple of times and yanked on my ear so hard that I have tiny blood stains on my pillow to remind me. And him. I told him not to do it again. But I have to say, there is less trust there now.
But, in a strange way, this might be better in the long run. He's trying again. He's making an effort to give me the affection and respect that are so important to me. And I'm trying, too; I'm just not as giving as I was. And maybe that reminds him that this isn't bought and paid for... there's still some issues that need to be addressed. And time... we need time. I need time.
I've been pretty strung out about money, too. I keep commenting to him about how shitty he is with money but when I sat down last night to figure out where the hell all my cash is disappearing, I realized that I've been spending about $300 a month in take-out and booze. And $300 is about all I have extra. Plus I'm pushing maximum density here. And I don't have enough money to buy bigger clothes! And I don't want to. I finally got my hair cut the way I like it. I need to buy product but what I want will cost about $100. Fucking samples got me hooked. My skin is driving me crazy, too. I need to get more Peau Vive so I can get back to how it's supposed to be.
Been pretty stressed out about not having a car - to the extent that I applied for a higher paying job. But today I decided to suck it up for a while longer. I love where I am, I love what I do, I love the benefits, I love the hours, I love wanting to go to work every day. I'm not giving that up for a few hundred extra bucks a month. I just have to learn to live within my means. And once the weather warms up again, getting around won't be such a hassle. Although I do dread the extreme heat this summer but I will cross that bridge when I no longer feel like swimming past it.
Also I found myself crushing on Steve again more than I was comfortable with but I seem to be over that now, too. To be honest, if I wasn't with Jeff, I'd rather just be alone. I honestly don't know what the future holds. It is unclear but I'm listening to my instincts and moving forward... and that's the best I can do. And my best is my best.
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