Did I tell you I deleted my Tumblr? Yeah, Jeff deleted his the other day after he flipped out about me getting upset about the helmet comment. So, in an act of solidarity, I deleted mine, too. He set a new one up immediately. I did not.
All I was doing on there was flirting back and forth with him, anyway. It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will. Since we've been back together I thought there would be a point where I stopped my account and let the Tumblr be his thing. It's his best means of socialization and human interaction. And here we are.
"It's funny how things seem to work out the way I expect they will." Want to get into that comment a little deeper? Probably not... but too bad, future me!
When we first got together, I figured I'd move to Barrie in September. We discussed me coming sooner, like in June, but I wasn't really comfortable with that. I'd made a commitment to my mother and I wanted to keep it. In the meantime we broke up several times, we stopped speaking, we dated other people, I honestly thought that he hated my guts and would never speak to me again. And after all of that, I moved to Barrie in September.
After our visit in February, I told him that I wanted to break up for a while. I felt that he needed to get through some stuff on his own just so he would be able to see that he could. His whole life people were putting him in hospitals and jail and on the street so he never learned that he could actually get through bad times on his own. It was hard on him, it was hard on us, and he does bring it up when he gets mad at me and asks if I'm going to leave and just come back when all the bad stuff is over. But what I hoped would happen happened. He got through it and he is a different person because of it. He's stronger, more confident in himself and I think he recognizes his worth as a human being.
The apartment. Turned out exactly as I expected. In every way. Even after I thought I'd have to compromise and adjust, we got what we were looking for. Just like my apartment in Cloverdale. Just like my job at The Renaissance. Just like when I left Joe's. Just like when I moved to Debra's. Just like when I moved to Mom and Dad's. So weird.
Anyway, I'm not retelling all of this stuff because I think I'm awesome and amazing (although I will admit I do). I'm trying to remind myself that things work out in the end. The road getting there might be -and usually is- quite different than expected. But I still get there.
I need to get a job. It's weighing on me. Financially, emotionally and now I'm just kind of getting a complex. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I've been stuck on that for too long. I'm not doing anything wrong, I just need to keep trying. I can't see myself anywhere definite yet and it's making me falter. I don't know which way to turn. I know I need to adjust but adjust how? Where? To what? I can't find my course. And I think that's what's bothering me the most.
