My greatest fear is that loving him the way I do will make things worse instead of better. I mean my giving without receiving, loving without asking for much in return. He flips out so easily and, I admit, I do and say things I don't particularly want to do and say so that I can keep the peace.
But honestly, one thing I rarely question is whether or not I want to be with him. I don't even understand why I don't question it most of the time.
He just makes me ache. His life and his pain squeeze my heart so much that all I want to do is squeeze him back. Even though, by that point, he's usually running in the other direction.
I think something important that I've learned is we are ever changing. If he's being a jerk, it doesn't mean he is a jerk or he's going to be a jerk all the time. He's just being a jerk right now. And there's usually a reason for it - although sometimes it's just the fact that he's being selfish.
Maybe that's the worry. That my giving will only make him more selfish. And that I will have to pay the price for that selfishness.
When I tell him that I love him, does he feel he deserves that love? Has he earned it? Or am I just some fool who throws around her love like a charity. Although he does feel as if he deserves charity.
It's going to come to a head soon and it's not going to be pretty.
