He said:

Over the last year and a bit Bev and I have had a crazy journey. But here we are. And it’s good, I love her. In fact I am in love with her.

By next Christmas we will be married. I will marry her because I am committed to her and us. The only thing I will ever put before her is my child and she accepts that wholly which is one of many reasons why I want to spend my life with her.

We are so different in so many ways. But we mesh like to gears, Where I am a void she is cog. And vice versa.

And sexually it’s pretty damn amazing. At 40 I never expected to have this kind of sex and this much. I am suppose to be slowing down but instead I am doing the opposite.

But more than anything else, I feel like I am home when I am with her. After 40 years of wandering, that is something I cannot forsake.

Even if I do want to choke her right now for throwing out all my saved restaurant condiments. Man she done me wrong! I ate chicken strips without leftover KFC dips.

Damaged - WFT

One of the most difficult times in life that few people seem to acknowledge is the moment when everything is falling into place. When dreams are being realized, hurdles are cleared and fairy tales are finally coming true.

That’s the moment we are the most vulnerable, it’s when the fall would be the greatest and cause the most damage. 

And I think that’s when most mistakes are made. That’s when the seeds of future regrets are planted.

What is it that makes us expect and prepare for the worst instead of believing and looking for the best?

I have spent about 25 years making sure that I never really trusted or counted on anyone but myself. Who knows where it started but I trace it back to the moment I was so completely confident in someone. And he told me he didn’t want me anymore. And I laughed at the joke that wasn’t a joke at all.

The joke has been on me ever since.

I wonder how many relationships I have run from since that day, how many friendships have I ruined, how many potential loves have been lost. I wonder how much of this damage I have actually created all by myself while I was trying to protect myself from the possibility of being damaged.

Of course, my logical adult mind tells me it’s okay to have faith now. I am well aware that I can survive even the worst tragedy. But I guess it’s human nature to try to foresee and avoid the pain before it hits.

The real problem is this: what if the pain we think we are avoiding is actually pain we’ve been holding from our past? And how does one possibly let it go? 

Truthful Tuesday - WFT

• I’ve been mentally composing an “it’s the end of the month and I need cash bad” email to my mother for days now. Just going over and over it in my head. I can’t describe to you how much asking for help bothers me… asking for financial help turns my guts into knots and brings tears to my eyes. But I have no choice. I just hope this is the last time I’ll have to do this. 
• Over the past week or so I’ve realized that touch is the most important aspect for me in a romantic relationship. Not necessarily sex -although I’m always game- but touching in even the slightest way. I have silently yearned for it my whole life. Again, simply asking for it is beyond difficult and my unfortunate tendency is to overcompensate and pull away. 
• Speaking of touching, I still feel this electric-like current when I’m near him. Even doing something as simple as putting my hand on his arm while he’s sleeping fills me with the oddest calming-excitement I’ve ever experienced. The flip side of that is the sense of loss I feel when he pulls away.
• Sometimes I think I’m the best girlfriend ever; other times I can’t figure out how he puts up with me. 
• But it’s his own damn fault for making me fall in love with him. 
• Getting that job yesterday was quite a relief. Even though it’s part time and I don’t expect to stay there long, it broke the seal. It’s a start and it renewed my faith that good things are coming.
• I’ve been exceptionally sensitive and teary the past few days. The pharmacy here gave me a different brand of birth control than the one I’ve been using for more than a decade. I wonder if that has something to do with it. 
• Fucking hormones are bullshit. 
• My friend found us a good quality mattress pad and is bringing it over tomorrow night. I hope it helps because the mattress we are using is absolutely killing me. From chest to butt, I am in so much pain when I wake up I can barely roll over. 
• I think I’ve said everything I wanted to say so this is just for a nice round 10 bullet point balance. Thanks for playing. 

Weird

It's weird. During the past couple of weeks I have thought about, considered, and actually attempted sucking my thumb for the first time in years. Not that I'll get back into the habit, I just think about it a lot. I catch myself almost opening my mouth, craving whatever kind of comfort it was that I got from it. Can you believe I did that at every possible moment for more than 37 years? Crazy.

I also think about getting high frequently. And I eat constantly when I'm home alone. I think it's coping mechanisms. Those are the things that I did for all of those years. The food has always been an issue and, once I got my thumb out of my mouth, I replaced it with a joint. Same soothing sensation. Same sense of calm and comfort.

We're doing okay again now. We talked earlier and I explained the touch. It was hard. It was really hard and he had to pull it out of me. But it's out there and I think he gets it to a degree. He has been attentive since.

We also talked about his Tumblr post. I commented that it was about him pushing me away but he said I should read it again because he was saying the exact opposite. It's so hard for him to let go and trust in us. He said that every day when he comes home he half expects me to be gone. And that the feeling will continue for a long time. But I asked if he understood that I would be more apt to stay if he treated me well.

He asked me what I wanted. Like, literally said the words. I think that's the first time anyone has ever done that. Such a simple thing... I bet he has no idea of the positive impact it has made on our relationship.

All in all, through the struggles and getting to know each other, I never even consider leaving him. These are things that we need to go through; we are learning and, as long as we keep trying, I think we're going to be fine.

Weird.

Re: He said

I don't know what I'm supposed to make of this. I asked if he was trying to break up with me again. He said I was dumb and it was the opposite. Fuck, relationships are hard.

He said:

I don’t like caring about anyone (this can include my child at times honestly), I don’t like loving someone or needing someone. When I say I don’t like needing someone I don’t mean that bullshit “I can do it myself” ego trip. Those people who proclaim that bug the hell out of me because it’s all fluff. Everyone needs someone. On some level. But what I mean is that I don’t like needing a person in my life because I have grown to care and I am comforted by them and I accept them inside. And when they are not there there is an absence somewhere inside. That need.

Opening up and letting someone in. Even saying I love you or telling them you care or that you think of them. It takes a lot of risk, it takes the power away from me. I hate that feeling. It almost feels like I am saying “Here’s my blood and heart and you can carry it or you can throw it away”. Or the world can beat on it and tear it apart. The universe can kill my hope and the faith that I put in the words “I love you, you matter and I care.”

My life has been tough by any measure. It’s been full of pain, loss and hurt. And caring, believing and offering myself up seems to be nothing but courting more of the same. It’s a dismal view. But it’s the truth. Because in my life it has been the truth. People have shelf lives and due dates, deaths and deteriorating orbits. Love is a temporary respite and something to watch bloom and die. Like a flower that comes with a season. 

This is hard for me. You’d not know it from what you’ve read from me. Or seen here. But it’s easy to shave off words and give it to you piecemeal. It’s talking the talk…Walking it…That’s something else. For a man used to living alone and in his head. Life has pushed me inside. And coming out again is hard. Someone used to their own silence takes a long time to speak in any voice that can be heard.

But I am speaking. Just some days you got to listen harder than others.

It feels like there a million things I want to say, or should say or I think of saying. It just feels like lifting two tonne boulders to get them out.

It’s the song of a lonely man.

Suddenly

I don't know why I'm so suddenly against him in so many ways. He came to bed last night, I made a point of not touching him. I'm not cleaning up his dishes or the mess he left in the living room. I just don't give a shit. To be honest, I could move out tomorrow.

Except I know these feelings aren't permanent. As soon as he came into the room and asked if I wanted to come out and watch a movie yesterday, my whole demeanor changed. Of course, then it changed back when he spent the whole time sleeping and didn't even touch me.

Karl was wrong. I'm not some sex-crazed horny person, I just want to be touched. A hand on the shoulder, a toe in the ear. I want to be acknowledged and appreciated. Is that so bad?

Touched

The most important aspect of any romantic relationship for me is touch. I need it. It doesn't have to be constant sex, I'm not looking for constant cuddles or to be overwhelmed with someone constantly in my face. But touch. Just to sit there touching shoulders, to sleep with an arm around me, to be kissed and hugged. Touch.

I don't get touched much these days. Especially when he's doing his three day shift. He leaves before six, gets home after seven, goes to bed when I get up at about nine, gets up at noon and, although we sit together and watch tv usually, he is on the futon while I'm on the floor. Sometimes he gets down on the floor and fucks me. This week I was on my period so it was worse than most. So tonight he is off and comatose on the couch. He kissed me on my forehead a few hours ago. That's it. For the whole day.

Why is this bothering me today more than usual? It's not new. I guess I don't want to get used to it but I don't know how to communicate it to him, either. This sucks.

Be careful what you wish for

How do I say this? Hmmm. So, like, what's in it for me? Today we talked. It was a good talk, interesting, informative. I asked him how he is finding our living arrangement so far. I know he's prone to always look at the negative. I know... fuck... I don't know. Am I a complete and total idiot? It's not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Yeah, I guess I'm a complete and total idiot. Be careful what you wish for, idiot.

Meh

I am so tremendously bored with my life right now. The only interesting thing I did today was suck on Jeff's penis. And that was lots of fun but at some point you have to get up and wipe yourself off. It's almost 6pm, he just left for work and I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I'm going to pass the next six hours before I can go to bed. And get up tomorrow and do exactly the same thing.

I could walk up to the liquor store, buy a bottle of wine and maybe grab a burrito on the way back down, but then what. I could rent a movie, but the TV is shit and it feels like a waste of time and money. I could pull my hair out bit by bit, but ouch. Fuck. I've had enough of this. I don't even feel like whining about it anymore.

Yes, I have a couple of interviews this week. I hope and pray that this ends soon. I will do anything... I just want to go out, have something to do, make some money, live my life. It's been far too long. Far too long.

S'up?

Well, hello me. It's been a while. My computer crapped out the day after my last post and was in the shop for two weeks. I was totally eager to get it back but I guess I kind of got used to not writing or nothing was going on since. Most of my online time has been spent looking for a job. And when Jeff isn't at work I'm not on much these days anyway.

Motherfucker I love that man. Like, a lot. He drives me crazy. Up the wall. But I want to be with him every day for the rest of my life. Weird.

The feeling is hard to describe. He doesn't do anything specific that makes me feel that way. He doesn't have to buy me flowers or whisper sweet nothings. That stuff is nice and all but this is so far beyond that. We just fit.

The scary part is recognizing the possibility that he might not feel the same way. But I think he does.

When we speak, we talk in terms of forever. As long as we both shall live. I have more to say than this. It feels overwhelming in a way but so calmly natural at the same time that I don't even feel like writing about it.

So there.

Guess I'll see you during my next crisis.