It's like a magnetic attraction, positive to negative, as soon as I am in your orbit I am pulled toward you with a force I can't control. I need to touch you; not necessarily feel with hands, just to be near you. I can't explain it and I don't understand it but I feel better when you are around. I draw strength from you and a little of that energy lasts a long time. But when I run out of the energy, when I'm feeling weak, I need you. And I hate needing. Needing something gives it power over you and lets it control you. And I've never allowed myself to need anything or anyone. Most of the time I don't even think about it, I give into it and take what I need. Sometimes I pretend it doesn't exist and try to live without it. Sometimes I fight against it, I struggle and pull away. But the longer I'm away from it, the more I need it and inevitably I will give in and try to get it back.
I understand what you said about drinking, how it is the only time you can let go and relax. That's how I feel when I lay in bed with your arms around me. It's like the breath just seeps from my body and a warmth engulfs me.
That's enough. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now.
