Bitch

Yes, I'm here to complain again. Things are going great with Jeff and I, we really seem to have turned a major corner in our relationship and I'm so glad. Is that why I logged in here, though? No. I don't want to talk about good things, I want to bitch. But I actually don't want to bitch, I don't want to say anything. I'll shut up now. For a while. Weirdo.

"The Beginning is Near"

One way or your mother

Tonight he asked if I still want to spend my life with him. I said I don't know.

I don't know. Honestly, right now I'm closer to no. I wish we could work it out but I just don't think we can. I had such high hopes for us but now he just drives me up the wall.

They all drive me up the wall eventually, don't they? So maybe it is me. Maybe I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I think I'm okay with that. I know I won't be "alone". I'll date, I'll have sex, I'll have company. But maybe I won't get married and do things the way you're supposed to. Maybe I will. Who knows?

I'm struggling right now. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to hurt anymore, either. I can't keep fighting, I have no interest in continuing to put up with his selfish, self-centered ways... especially since he is no closer to recognizing he is that way. So what am I supposed to do? Move out on my own? Move back to Vancouver? Start again? Again??? I don't know.

The answer hasn't presented itself yet, which means I do nothing right now. Eventually I will know. Eventually there will be no question and life will fall into place, one way or another. I'll get there. I'm still moving forward.

And the struggle

between logic and emotion continues.

FML? Probably. Probably not. Just waiting for something to work itself out.