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It's not all okay again. I mean, it's better - WAY better - but I'm not all in and devoted yet. I'm not pushing anymore, though. That's important. I'm not fighting. And I really really do feel more like myself than I have in a very very long time. Only time will tell where this will go and what will happen next. I'll tell you one thing, though: I'm open. Open to all the possibilities. In ways I don't think I was before. I'm not looking for nos now. I'm just looking. We shall see.

Truth - WFT

I’ve said this before but I was reminded again the other day. There is something Jeff gives me that I have never been able to find before. I always wanted someone who would be straight with me; not mean but observant and able to put those observations into words in a way that would let me stand back and observe, too.

It is no secret that I’ve been struggling lately and, because of that and the strains of Jeff’s health problems, we have been struggling. About a week ago I started a fight with him during which he asked why I can’t talk about things before they get so big that I explode. Interesting plan. So the other day I decided to talk, even though I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about. And he said something that I’d never considered.

All of the successes in my life have been through struggles, the struggles through adversity. I was always trying to make myself stronger, overcoming, striving to find a new way, a better way. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Just, now that I’ve accomplished what I was working toward and found what I was looking for, I didn’t know how to continue. And I was creating adversity because I didn’t know how else to find motivation.

Because I couldn’t go forward I felt myself slipping back and back and back. Into old thoughts, old ways, old ideas and old habits. To go back to that after all I’d put myself through was like a kick in the gut and I was just about ready to give up on everything. Everything. Until he suggested that I find a way to move forward without adversity. To just move forward. To continue. To still learn and grow and evolve but to do it for the sake of doing it, not to fight off some inadequacy or the ghosts of ancestors past.

Something clicked. As if I was finally able to take a deep breath. As if I was okay again. The nausea eased, the ambivalence stopped, the spite went away. I’m looking forward again. Not to get away from something, not to get to something, just forward. I don’t have everything figured out yet but it feels good. And it reminded me why and how he was made just for me.

Despite all my rage...

I'm starting to feel like a rat in a cage. I go forward as far as I can, then I start banging into walls. Bang, bang, not this way, not that way, bang, bang. Until I find an opening, a path. And I forge ahead with all my might. Then I start banging into walls again. I keep trying until I find a new way to go but it's getting so frustrating and tedious. What will I do then? Lie down and die? Or keep trying? When do I get to the fucking cheese already? Does it even exist?

I don't know if there's any cheese.

I am once again living a life of spite. I want to smoke, I want to drink. I want to do things I'm not supposed to do, eat too much, swear, fight. You know why, don't you? I just figured it out as I was writing that. I feel repressed. I feel as if I can't be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. I am not my own self anymore and it is killing me.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT???????????

Letter found with my papers, Part II

Maybe what I've been wanting to express but couldn't find the words is this:

No, I don't want to go. But I will if I need to. If I feel pressured to be someone I'm not, if I'm expected to be perfect and to take all the blame. If I always have to be the strong one who is expected to wait in the wings until the next crisis. If I have to defend myself day in and day out, against something I would never even consider doing. If I feel I have given everything I'm able to give without success or progress, then yes, I will leave.

I want this to work. I really really want it to work. But I'm not going to close my eyes and pretend. I don't want to pretend that it's okay that you live your life without purpose. That you won't even pretend there's a future for you. Maybe I should be upfront and tell you everything I'm thinking and feeling. But I am sure that would come back to bite me in the ass. I am caught. Stuck. At your mercy. And things need to change - one way or another.

A letter found with my papers

It's not that I don't like you or love you. But I do feel extremely unfullfiled in my life right now. And that makes me concerned for my future.

I want to sit down and talk to you about this (but how much talking do we actually do without fighting?).

What does the future hold? What are you looking for and how will you find it? Does it even exist? Do you even know? Do you even look for it?

I want things from my life. Specific things. And every time I talk about working toward those things, you put up a baracade.

Right now? I want to laugh more. I want to move more. I want to enjoy my life as I'm living it. It doesn't cost anything to walk by the lake, to sit and listen to the water lap against the shore. Walking and ridding myself of this excess energy is completely free. To have a good day - all day - and not feel like someone is constantly pushing me to be someone I'm not. Especially someone who claims to love me.

In the long run? I want to raise children. It doesn't matter to me if it is my child or not - no, that isn't true. I would absolutely love to have a child of my own. But I'm grounded enough to know that probably won't happen. Either way, I want to foster and mentor. I want to contribute something to the world because, if you don't, why even bother?

I'm not moving in that direction any more. I cry more than I laugh. I fight more than I play. I shout more than I sing. And that's not good enough. And I know it will win if I let it.

Moments too few

There are moments that I really love him, there are moments that I really don't. But most of all and more often than anything, I kick myself for even getting involved in this whole thing.

Yes, it was my path. Yes, I needed to. Yes, yes, yes. I just wish I didn't. Because when it gets right down to it? Even if the emotional / physical connecting was present. Even if the money was a possibility. Would I want to be here? I can't answer that for sure. But if I was forced, I'd have to say no.

There has to be something to the fact that I don't want him to meet my family or anyone I know. Is it just his teeth? Mostly. But is it also because I don't trust him not to be a complete dick? I don't know how he would be. This is silly. I shouldn't be asking these questions about someone I thought I'd spend my life with. Yes, that was past tense.

A big part of this is how big I have become. How I'm allowing myself to swallow my feelings with a big bowl of ice cream or chips. How I'm constantly nauseated, how I want to vomit right now, just from thinking about this.

Put it all down on the table? I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I don't think I want to be with him. In the long term, I don't think I can be the person or live the life I want and need. Why did I do this to him? How could I do this to him? How could I leave him now? And where would I go? And do I really want to start over somewhere else? Again? Jesus.