Things are well, life is good

Two months cohabitation and I'm impressed.

I say this hours after he helped me realize my showerhead fantasy that I've had since I was about 12.

*swoon*

I laugh - WFT/not posted

It amuses me how people react when they find out that I don’t have a car. Yes, I’m poor. I have no assets, few material possessions. My clothes are old and out of fashion. Look down upon me if you choose. I don’t care. I stand at the bus stop and I giggle. 

Four years ago my annual income was approximately $120,000. I drove a $50,000 car, fully decked out. I owned my own home which I furnished with custom made furniture. Every single thing in my condo -with the exception of a couple of pictures and mirrors- was new and not cheap. I had facials and pedicures and manicures and vacations; I had cash in the bank, credit cards with $30,000 spending limits, investments and $10,000 in cash sitting in my safe deposit box. On the surface every thing in my life was going great, I was living beyond my hopes and ambitions.

And I was miserable. 

I absolutely hated my life. With the exception of the best best friend and best little sister ever in the history of the world, I cared about nothing and no one. I isolated myself from most of my friends, I could barely tolerate my family. I had sex periodically but I didn’t date. I got stoned every single evening. I hated getting up in the morning and I hated going to bed at night.

That was when I was a toe length away from believing my father’s philosophy that life was a shit sandwich and you had to take a bite every day. I wanted to fall in love, but believed no one would ever be able to tolerate me. My desire to have a child was never stronger, but I knew that would never happen for me. I resigned myself to the fact that I would most likely be alone for the rest of my life and told my nephew that he would probably have to change my diapers in my old age because I genuinely believed there would be no one else to do it. I knew that I could survive but I had no idea what it meant to be truly happy. 

But a part of me couldn’t let go of the belief that I was missing something. No matter how many times I had tried to turn things around, no matter how many times I’d failed, something in me still believed things could be better. And I didn’t want to continue on the path I was on. I would sacrifice everything just to know for sure… one way or another. 

Jeff on fatherhood

I found out I was going to be a father.

My ex and I had discussed that she may be pregnant based on symptoms. So she went to the doctor to get it checked (I am not really sure why we just didn’t buy a home test).

And somewhere around noon she came home walked in the door looked at me and nodded. She smiled and said “You’re going to be a daddy”.

According to her I got a look on my face that said I wanted to run away, she said I reinforced this by looking at the window in a way that she said looked like I was measuring it to see if I could fit.

But the truth is not once did I consider running or escape. I was in shock for the first while. I was 36, an addict and drunk. I was lost and tumbling. Truth is I came to this town to kill myself. Just go hard for a few months and shut it down. I felt completely shocked and stunned. Blindsided by this strange new twist. Hell I didn’t even think I was healthy enough to make a child. But never, not once did I think ‘Man I got to get out of here!’.

Instead I stopped. I took measure and weighed the situation. I knew two things for certain. And one other thing seemed likely, but not entirely possible. Certainly I had to change how I lived. And within a couple weeks I had quit smoking (22 years and I quit cold turkey, my 5th year as a non-smoker is in a couple years) and within a few months I quit the drug abuse and alcohol abuse. The other certain thing I knew. I had no clue whatsoever what being a good father was. When I was younger I idealized it, telling people “Man someday I am gonna have kids and never the same stupid crap my parents did!”. So I had to figure out pretty quick how to learn to be a good father. It wasn’t going to be a turn the page change, I knew that. But I needed to open myself to the turn. And I did.

The last thing I thought may probably happen, did happen. Ruby’s mother and I wouldn’t stay together. Call me stupid and irresponsible. But I knew we were just doing time. There was a part of me that wanted to be wrong about that and beat the odds. But it didn’t look good. And sure enough. Before the baby was 1 I was moving out. I’d try again to make it work but couldn’t.It just was not going to happen. I like to believe that we came together to make the most amazing little girl in the world. And having done that fate said we needed to move on. And though it was crazy and rough at first. We have moved on.

5 years ago today my life changed. Forever. I can’t remember what it really was like to not be someones father. Though for months after she was born I walked around stupefied and mumbling to myself “I can’t believe I’m someones dad…What the hell???”.

And I am here and alive because of her. Because she gave me a reason to stay. To fight. Sometimes I believe Ruby means more to me than the average person, because she saved my life, because she gave a lost and broken man something to point himself at. Sometimes I think the average parent cannot understand that for me every kiss and every hug is a blessing, every time she calls me Daddy is grace. I owe her more than I can ever give back. What she has given me cannot even be measured.

I am the luckiest man in the world.

Positive to negative

It's like a magnetic attraction, positive to negative, as soon as I am in your orbit I am pulled toward you with a force I can't control. I need to touch you; not necessarily feel with hands, just to be near you. I can't explain it and I don't understand it but I feel better when you are around. I draw strength from you and a little of that energy lasts a long time. But when I run out of the energy, when I'm feeling weak, I need you. And I hate needing. Needing something gives it power over you and lets it control you. And I've never allowed myself to need anything or anyone. Most of the time I don't even think about it, I give into it and take what I need. Sometimes I pretend it doesn't exist and try to live without it. Sometimes I fight against it, I struggle and pull away. But the longer I'm away from it, the more I need it and inevitably I will give in and try to get it back.

I understand what you said about drinking, how it is the only time you can let go and relax. That's how I feel when I lay in bed with your arms around me. It's like the breath just seeps from my body and a warmth engulfs me. 

That's enough. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now.

Con'td

And why do I worry about this shit all the time? Obviously it isn't something I can just fix in a moment. Am I going to ruin the day crying about the crusty rags in his laundry basket? Can't I let it go and let it work itself out?

Also, I'm getting sloppy again. The way I look and dress when I'm home wouldn't exactly turn him on. But I'm not going to live all made up in a bra, either. I'm sure there's a happy medium out there somewhere. Who would feel like coming on to someone who looks like me right now?

Point taken, self. Point taken.

*sigh*

Is it ever going to change?

This is our issue and it's always going to be our issue, isn't it? I mean, it's one I can live with to a degree, it's not a deal breaker, but issues are what tear people apart.

Intimacy. Touching. I know, it will take time. He's not intentionally stand-offish but he is. And now that I'm working we barely see each other and it's only getting worse. I don't know how to handle this, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

We are both servicing our own sexual needs. We don't touch. We don't kiss. He gets frustrated when I comment on it and does something silly like pinch my nipple or lick my cheek but I really don't think he gets it. And I don't know how to communicate it. I don't want to communicate it because it just causes trouble. But if I sit here and don't say anything, it will be worse.

Fuck. I just want a hand on my knee sometimes, you know? Is that too much to ask?

Sometimes I just want to record the things he writes

Yesterday morning

10 Truths from The Back of the Room

Been thinking about life much lately. Mine, ours, the ones that are gone. Ones that will go soon. And I have realized there’s a lot of wisdom I have gathered from the hard lived life. So in that vein and being vain, I’ll share a bit.

1. Take care of your yourself first. Always look out for what is best for you. You can never ever be any good to anything or anyone else if you are broken down and busted. Emotionally, mentally or physically. This is not being selfish to care first for yourself, it’s being smart.
2. Never believe what people tell you they are. Instead watch and learn. In silence we speak. Virtue and vice reveals itself. If a person tells you they are something often times it is just because they want you to believe they are that. Often these are false attributes that are either put-ons have very little depth.
3. Listen to the message, not the messenger. Hear what is being said. Sometimes the truth is being told to us by the people we least want to hear it from.
4. Just because it feels good does not mean it’s right. I have seen a lot of people do a lot of damaging and downright stupid things because it felt good to them. All the while proclaiming they are living life the way they want.
5. Conversely. Never ever rob someone of a mistake. The worst wrong we can do to someone else is to take away from them the learning that can come from making an error. 
6. Mercy is not always what we think or want it to be. Remember this. People suffer in many different ways. And any relief they find, while you may find it hard to understand or even find it condemnable, is a mercy. Don’t damn someone for trying to find peace, the world is a hard place.
7. The good are always outnumbered by the bad. So when you find good always raise a flag. Always give it praise. Always show gratitude. Turn that basket off the lamp. Let a light shine.
8. Love is never easy. Never. But it’s always worth it.
9. Don’t get tied down to what you think you should be, where you should be or who you should be. Always be ready to change. To move. Transcendence is change above and beyond what we expected. Don’t spend too much time grieving what you thought would be. That can quickly turn into a black spot on your soul and that black spot can become cancerous. So many of the lost ones out there are lost because they never let go.
10. Everyday tell someone you love them, tell someone you care, tell someone they count. It may seem a silly exercise. But you may be the lone warm voice they hear. You may be the one little light in a bleak time. It isn’t too hard. You may save a life. In my darkest times I would remember the words and gestures of the people who said I mattered and who showed me I counted. These people said to me “Your life is worth something” and while it may not have kept me from living my life hard. It kept me from forgetting, I don’t have to live like this.

Meditate on it.

Yesterday afternoon

Bev

I am proud of her!

I love her and I am always inspired by her.

Today she got some great news…I ain’t saying…

But…I am proud of her.

Today 

Have I mentioned today

How much I love my missus and I am proud of her.

I got two very special women in my life a little girl and a woman who counts.

That’s all a man needs.