I don't know. I'm afraid, I guess. Forever is a mighty long time. Am I setting myself up for something here?
So, what's the problem? And when that's fixed will everything be okay? Overall, maybe yes. He's a cranky motherfucker, which doesn't bother me but I know some people won't get it. He's horrifically terrible with money but I love the childlike side of him... even the childish side. It's the combination of man and boy that seems to fit with my combination of woman and girl. An offset, a... well, a missing piece. (He posted this today, too.)
I don't think I will ever be able to deny this physical pull toward him. It's insane and almost frustrating in a way. Because it controls me. Because I know that I can't get it anywhere else and that gives him control. But mostly because I can't force him to do everything I want all the time and that makes me want to pull my hair out.
Anyway, back on topic: I think this little bug of doubt climbed into my ear yesterday. He told me he doesn't take anything stronger than Tylenol these days but they are Tylenol with codeine... a low dosage but still. And I know this because there was a sudden and dramatic change in him yesterday when we were at the library with Ruby.
The money issue is starting to freak me out. It will cost thousands of dollars to get his teeth fixed. We don't even have tens of dollars at this point. Will he get a job? Will he ever get his licence again? Will he be needy and clingy and try to be controlling? Will I love him forever? Do I love him enough now? I don't know the answer to any of these questions at this moment. I guess all I can do is go forward but I'm haunted by the possibility that it won't work out between us and I will ruin him forever.
Time. Let's see what you have in store for me.
