I hope by now I've come to terms with the fact that my silly little self-damaging acts of rebellion are hurting no one but me. Actually, if you want to get down to it, they are playing right into his hands. I think he feels that if I'm grossly fat I will be less attractive to other men so there will be less of a possibility that I will screw around on him. (It doesn't make him any less suspicious or confident but there it is.)
So it's time to get my act together and get my ass in gear. I don't want it anymore, anyway. I don't want to spend the money, I don't want to spend the calories. I don't want to look this way and I don't want to feel this way. It's time to make some changes.
They won't be met with any kind of positive reaction. He's already feeling it and fighting it. But I have to do this. I have to push back because I have to know if I'm wasting my time here.
I'll be 42 this year. I don't have any more time to waste.
