Beer # 1
Just got home from work/dropping him off at his work/the liquor store. Things are not going well, to say the least. Why? Ugh.
Sick is what I am, if you want to know the truth. Sick of it all. Sick of feeling like a bitch all the time, sick of coming home to a mess, sick of cleaning up behind him and the little gem, sick of feeling like a second class citizen. Sick of stepping in dried pee and having to wipe the seat every time I want to sit down, sick of having to deep clean before I can kneel down and vomit. Sick of always being the one to take out the garbage and do the dishes and sort the recycling. Sick. Sick to death.
Frustrated, too. Get some teeth, get a driver's licence, do your taxes, get in the game for fuck sake. Why do I have to be the one who takes on all the burden of money and bills? I don't mind paying them but I'm not paying everything from my own pocket.
Do you know what he did? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID??? After having a week off last week because they closed to do inventory, he was short paid $300. We are still behind on the electric bill from before Christmas. (Please note: it's February.) So, I get it, it's not his fault. It's not. He has no control over his warehouse shutting down. But, after watching me stress-cry all day long (for more reasons than that, of course), he called in sick. HE CALLED IN SICK! He doesn't get paid for sick days. WHAT?
Of course, doing everything myself means I can buy booze and put the empties into the recycling and he'll never know because he doesn't even walk by them. Fucker.
Beer # 2
Do I seem bitter to you?
Yesterday I asked him if it bothers him to live with a bitch all the time. Because I am. And it's driving me crazy! He didn't answer. But today he texted this, "bitch is just the costume you wear to hide behind. Because you feel scared. I love the real you. The kind and gentle person. I love the dreamer and believer. So I put up with the bitch. But when you seem to fall more on the side of bitch and start to like it I am fighting alone. I can fight alone... alone. So I'm tired. Instead of getting angry, I wonder if I could do best for you by letting you go."
What bullshit. There is nothing in me kind and gentle anymore. I have eaten her into oblivion.
"I want to kill myself" goes through my mind far more often than it should. I don't but I'm not happy.
Stacey said I sound like an abused wife. I'm not but I feel far too close to that for my liking.
Wine # 1
I want it all, don't I? I want to go and I want to stay. I want the best of both worlds. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he was always there when I needed him but I didn't have to put up with his shit? Oh, so wonderful.
Do you know that we first got together (online, of course) in 2010. I moved here in 2011. That means we have lived together for 18 months. And he has never met a single person that I know. Intentionally. I don't want him to. I don't. That is so wrong. Fucker doesn't have any teeth.
I can do better than this, can't I? I can do so much better than the life I'm living right now. And I know that. Does that mean I'm ready to go? If he is giving me the opportunity to get out of this, I swear to a god I don't believe in - I'm afraid to not take it.
I miss being anal and perfect. I miss having everything where I want it until I want it somewhere else. I miss being the leader and the master of my own life. How did I let that go? Is that what a relationship is? Am I really unable to live with someone else? Should I go?
Can't we just have this figured out already, please?
It's tearing me apart. For real.
Wine # 2
My brain is going fuzzy. Is this helping at all?
Time to watch a movie.
I think I want to kill myself.
If he starts being all gross and whimpy, I'm gonna kill him.
Yeah, I need to go now.
Wine # 3
Still here. Laughing and hickuping to How I Met Your Mother.
*hicup*
I've havlel the hickemups. *hic*
Ima go to bed nows. Half a glass and another half a glass left and I think I'm done. In the living room, at least. Gots to get up at 6:30 A. M. to go pick up my wonderful boyfriend from work, after all. I'm considering a work to rule strike so he'll see how much I actually do around here.
Won't work.
What the fuck am I doing with myself?
Wine # 4
I want to leave so bad. I want to run.
I want it to be a year from now and I'm already living in Vancouver and my life is already back in order. I want to never hear from him again so I can pretend and assume that they are better without me. I want to run. I want to be careless and inconsiderate and I want to run.
Fast forward one year from now, please.
Would I regret it?
