Last night I got pretty drunk and told Stacey a lot of secrets that I shouldn't have. It's the first time I've told anyone about the bruise and the grabbing and the chaos that is our lives sometimes. And today I'm thinking: what if we stay together? Now that shit is out there and it can't be taken back.
But as I'm thinking this, I know if I was sitting on her side of the computer instead of mine I would be horrified. The abused wife always defends her man, it was just this one time, it wasn't so bad. But I'm not abused! He's lost it a few times and pushed things beyond reason but it's not like I'm living in fear or something. Even when he grabbed me around the throat, I didn't fear him. I mean, after he calmed down I didn't fear him. As it was happening I didn't know how far it was going to go.
I told her I'm going to wait and see how it plays out, and I am. It could go either way at this point. I don't think it will but it is possible. I must be out of my mind for letting it go this far. I knew this, I knew it the first time I met him. That's why I broke up with him before I went home. I didn't follow my instincts and here I am. But instincts aren't cut and dried. It's not like the only instinct I had was to stay away from him because my instincts pushed me toward him, too. Right now my instincts are telling me to leave, but they are also telling me to stay. So which instinct are you supposed to listen to?
That's why I need to let it play out. I need to start fighting for my own wants and needs instead of letting them slide away while his needs become the priority. I need to start working on myself and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.
Can I do that? Good question.
