1. What do I hate most in the world? Hypocrisy. Who is the biggest hypocrite I've ever known? You go it.
The things you say out loud are world away from the things you write and claim to feel. If I've learned nothing else in my life, I know that true happiness can only be achieved with the things you keep inside you and the things you let outside you are in sync. Be who you are, be who you say you are. You aren't. You are not. Not by a long shot. You preach with the wisdom of a man who has been places and really lived, you live as a man afraid to leave the womb.
2. I can't count on you for support.
I used to see you as someone I could turn to, someone who would be there for me when the going got tough. You told me you were that person and I believed you. (See above point.) But what did you do when I was at my lowest point since we met? You yelled, you called me names, you discarded my needs and you considered only yourself. And left me with a bruise on my neck that I can still see, even though it is long gone. I can still see it because it is a symbol to me, a symbol of the chance that I'm taking with you that I don't really even believe in anymore. Yes, you say you made a mistake but who's to say you won't make the same mistake again when I need you even more? And a mistake is a one time oops, it doesn't last for days on end.
3. I'm not attracted to you.
I'm sorry, I'm not. I can still get a glimpse of the man I thought you were, I still see the man I hoped you would become. You aren't that person. That man would take care of himself. That man would have teeth. Yep, that's the biggest issue. You promised you would get that fixed. You brushed it off by saying when you had insurance you would take care of it. You and I have both had insurance for over a year now and you have yet to even speak to anyone about it. I don't want to introduce you to my friends and family, I don't want you to come near my work, I don't want to look at you sometimes. It is very unattractive, it pisses me off and it's just another promise you broke.
4. Speaking of promises, how many have you actually kept?
By my count: none. Teeth, marriage, therapy, no physical contact in anger. You let yourself off with everything because you had a rough childhood. Get a fucking driver's licence, get a pardon, get a better job, do your taxes, get some teeth, get a backbone, get a life. You aren't a child anymore. Be accountable and dependable for a change.
5. You don't challenge me.
One of the things that excited me most about you was that I thought you would challenge me, I thought you would push me to be more but you actually push me to be less. You brush off my achievements (although I admit they have been minimal lately), you won't let me go anywhere alone, you don't want me to have friends, you won't even play fucking Words with Friends anymore because you don't like it when I beat you. What the fuck, man?
6. You want me to be less than I am.
You discourage every attempt I make to better myself. I'm sick of writing this already.
7. I hate it here.
I hate this province. I hate this city. I hate this apartment. I hate that you treat me like a maid and expect me to clean up after you and your kid. I hate that you don't say thank you when I do something nice for you. I hate that I'm expect to be all of these things and you get to complain when I'm not, yet you sit on your ass all day and preach to the internet about being good and loving one another. What bullshit.
8. Did I mention you're a hypocrite?
You spend so much time bitching and being disgusted by people you don't know and who have absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever. It's infuriating.
9. Could you try to be positive and not a dick? Just sometimes? For just a little while?
I didn't think so.
I know you want this to work out between us. I know you have these ideas of what and who we will be but I think you're living in a fantasy world. Those things don't just happen on their own. They need to be tried and molded and we aren't doing that. We are sitting still in a world that continuously moves forward. That feels like going backward to me.
I know you want this to work out between us. I know you have these ideas of what and who we will be but I think you're living in a fantasy world. Those things don't just happen on their own. They need to be tried and molded and we aren't doing that. We are sitting still in a world that continuously moves forward. That feels like going backward to me.
I'm sure you're wondering through all of this - as I often wonder - if things are so fucking bad, why don't I just leave? Since we're all about numbers today, I'll give you two reasons.
1. It's not all bad. There are times that I like you as a friend.
2. I'm so fucking sick of starting over. And, quite frankly, I can't afford to start from scratch again. Not that I couldn't, I just don't want to. Where would I go? What would I do? Who would I be? I don't know if I have the energy or the gumption to make another go of it. Part of me just wants to wither and die. Which makes the other part of me extremely pissed off and completely shocked that I let myself get here again.
Maybe I was right, all those years ago. Maybe I can't live with anyone happily. Maybe I need to go and be happy with myself.
