Okay, I think everything is back to normal now. I didn't think we'd make it through that... it was about a month of constant fighting. Not petty bickering, out and out yelling our heads off. Things are a little different for me now.
Do I still love him? I guess. Do I want to stay together? Sure, why not.
I'm in a holding pattern right now. He said some pretty hurtful things. He also took back all of the things I had been feeding off of to get through the crap... like that he wasn't committed to this and whatnot. He also got more physical than he's ever been, and more than I want anyone to be. He got in my face a couple of times and yanked on my ear so hard that I have tiny blood stains on my pillow to remind me. And him. I told him not to do it again. But I have to say, there is less trust there now.
But, in a strange way, this might be better in the long run. He's trying again. He's making an effort to give me the affection and respect that are so important to me. And I'm trying, too; I'm just not as giving as I was. And maybe that reminds him that this isn't bought and paid for... there's still some issues that need to be addressed. And time... we need time. I need time.
I've been pretty strung out about money, too. I keep commenting to him about how shitty he is with money but when I sat down last night to figure out where the hell all my cash is disappearing, I realized that I've been spending about $300 a month in take-out and booze. And $300 is about all I have extra. Plus I'm pushing maximum density here. And I don't have enough money to buy bigger clothes! And I don't want to.
I finally got my hair cut the way I like it. I need to buy product but what I want will cost about $100. Fucking samples got me hooked. My skin is driving me crazy, too. I need to get more Peau Vive so I can get back to how it's supposed to be.
Been pretty stressed out about not having a car - to the extent that I applied for a higher paying job. But today I decided to suck it up for a while longer. I love where I am, I love what I do, I love the benefits, I love the hours, I love wanting to go to work every day. I'm not giving that up for a few hundred extra bucks a month. I just have to learn to live within my means. And once the weather warms up again, getting around won't be such a hassle. Although I do dread the extreme heat this summer but I will cross that bridge when I no longer feel like swimming past it.
Also I found myself crushing on Steve again more than I was comfortable with but I seem to be over that now, too. To be honest, if I wasn't with Jeff, I'd rather just be alone.
I honestly don't know what the future holds. It is unclear but I'm listening to my instincts and moving forward... and that's the best I can do. And my best is my best.
