Is this what life is always going to be like? A constant stream of unanswered questions, unrest, epiphanies in the middle of the night, torturing myself by trying to make the best decision for everyone?
I don't want to live like this. I need to commit myself one way or another. But I know that if I was pressed for a decision right now I would go. But I don't want to go. But I don't want to stay. I want to see into the future and know which is the best choice. That, however, is not an option. For some stupid reason.
At about 5:30am today I awoke with an epiphany, an answer. I had told myself to stop trying to decide what I could live with... because, I think we all know, I can put up with a lot. I decided to start looking to see if there was something I couldn't live without. Apparently it came to my subconscious and my subconscious woke me from my sleep. The answer should not surprise you. Affection. Compassion. Tenderness.
And I cried. And I moved on to the next stage - how, when, where.
But then he came home and fucked me and I was confused again. Not confused. Unsure, maybe. I say he fucked me because that's what we do. And I like it like that. But should there not be a point where he puts his arms around me? Where he leans against me? Where I feel comforted by his presence? I don't. I want to. I wish I did. I don't.
During the pivital scene of The Notebook, the lead guy asks the lead gal simply "what do you want?" Not what does everyone else want, not what should you do, not what will be easier or hurt others the least. Simply, what do you want. Take out all of those elements and what do I want? I want to go home.
But is it only because of the green grass?
