It's not that things are so horrible most of the time. I mean, we fight a lot more than I'd like but it's not all bad. In fact, when we are here together and his work isn't involved, we get along quite well. It's just the volatility. It's the ups and down. It's never knowing when the shoe is going to drop, when the text are going to start, when he will cross the line again... and maybe worse this time.
That's a big part of this, isn't it? It was beyond fighting, it was complete control and ultimate chaos. No, not complete and ultimate, but certainly a glimpse.
At this point I don't see myself wanting to be with him in the long long term. And if I'm not in all the way, why even bother? I know that's the way he feels, too. I seem to pull away a little more all the time. He senses it, he knows it's happening. My theory is that he almost wants me to go so he can shout a big "I told you so" to the universe.
I'm starting to feel the way I did with Ian. Like nothing I do is enough for him. Nothing will placate him. Like I can't be the person he wants me to be and I don't feel like trying much anymore. He would say that isn't true but he hasn't had an honest glimpse of who I want to be, has he? Maybe I should just be that person, then he'd see. But he would say I'm just doing it to push him away or to get a rise out of him.
He said he thinks that I do things to piss him off intentionally because I want the attention. Good god, dude. That is so not who I am. I want calm. I want to just be. Why can't we do that? Why can't we just have a little faith in each other and carry on with our lives? Would it really make a difference at this point? Probably not.
My theory is that the things that break relationships are apparent in the first three weeks, if not sooner. Yep, that applies here.
And I don't feel it would be going backward if I went back to Vancouver. It wouldn't be a failure. I left because I needed to know something. I felt there was something I was missing, something important. And I just wanted to see. Who I was, I guess. What life was like outside my bubble. And it's fine. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't need to be stoned, I don't need to cry my heart out constantly, I don't need to hate myself or anyone else. I can just be now. I can just be.
Be what? Good question.
