I’ve said this before but I was reminded again the other day. There is something Jeff gives me that I have never been able to find before. I always wanted someone who would be straight with me; not mean but observant and able to put those observations into words in a way that would let me stand back and observe, too.
It is no secret that I’ve been struggling lately and, because of that and the strains of Jeff’s health problems, we have been struggling. About a week ago I started a fight with him during which he asked why I can’t talk about things before they get so big that I explode. Interesting plan. So the other day I decided to talk, even though I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about. And he said something that I’d never considered.
All of the successes in my life have been through struggles, the struggles through adversity. I was always trying to make myself stronger, overcoming, striving to find a new way, a better way. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Just, now that I’ve accomplished what I was working toward and found what I was looking for, I didn’t know how to continue. And I was creating adversity because I didn’t know how else to find motivation.
Because I couldn’t go forward I felt myself slipping back and back and back. Into old thoughts, old ways, old ideas and old habits. To go back to that after all I’d put myself through was like a kick in the gut and I was just about ready to give up on everything. Everything. Until he suggested that I find a way to move forward without adversity. To just move forward. To continue. To still learn and grow and evolve but to do it for the sake of doing it, not to fight off some inadequacy or the ghosts of ancestors past.
Something clicked. As if I was finally able to take a deep breath. As if I was okay again. The nausea eased, the ambivalence stopped, the spite went away. I’m looking forward again. Not to get away from something, not to get to something, just forward. I don’t have everything figured out yet but it feels good. And it reminded me why and how he was made just for me.
