It's not that I don't like you or love you. But I do feel extremely unfullfiled in my life right now. And that makes me concerned for my future.
I want to sit down and talk to you about this (but how much talking do we actually do without fighting?).
What does the future hold? What are you looking for and how will you find it? Does it even exist? Do you even know? Do you even look for it?
I want things from my life. Specific things. And every time I talk about working toward those things, you put up a baracade.
Right now? I want to laugh more. I want to move more. I want to enjoy my life as I'm living it. It doesn't cost anything to walk by the lake, to sit and listen to the water lap against the shore. Walking and ridding myself of this excess energy is completely free. To have a good day - all day - and not feel like someone is constantly pushing me to be someone I'm not. Especially someone who claims to love me.
In the long run? I want to raise children. It doesn't matter to me if it is my child or not - no, that isn't true. I would absolutely love to have a child of my own. But I'm grounded enough to know that probably won't happen. Either way, I want to foster and mentor. I want to contribute something to the world because, if you don't, why even bother?
I'm not moving in that direction any more. I cry more than I laugh. I fight more than I play. I shout more than I sing. And that's not good enough. And I know it will win if I let it.
