I don’t mean to infer that I am some kind of tower for strength and security who is without doubts and fears. In fact, I wrote that the only way I can love is completely last night after reading his comment that we had a bad week and later being shown the post someone wrote about having a “major” crush on him.
It’s not that I don’t believe in his feelings for me, because I do. We have a connection and a relationship that gets stronger day by day; even - or perhaps especially - when we have bad days. But it was a reminder that I’m not his only option and I can’t just sit in a corner with my eyes shut and have faith that no one else will come along and charm him off his feet.
I wrote that post last night because I could feel the green monster knocking, and my historical reaction to that is to get all self-fulfilling-prophecy-ish and run. I don’t want to be hurt anymore than anyone else does. And, considering the amount of hurt I have felt at the demise of relationships in which I barely made an effort, the pain I would experience if we ended is unfathomable.
I’m not perfect, not even close. I am just a woman who has learned if I love him with anything less than everything I am, I have no one else to blame if things between us didn’t work out. If I love completely, if I give in and let go, no matter what happens I’ll know that I did my best and I will have no regrets. And, if I’m really, really lucky (which I think I am), I will get to share in a love and a life that is exactly what I want and need.
