and it made me stop and think.
I know, I know, bullshit horoscope. Trust me, I don't look at it as absolute or prophetic, I look at it as a suggestion to consider because sometimes they make me think of things in a way that I wouldn't otherwise. "A dramatic, life-altering change" might very well be on the way. Does my heart need to be examined? Have I been pushing him away to protect myself?
Let's back up a little and think about this on another level. Because, really? Everything was fine until I posted this and, more importantly, this on my Tumblr. And it was after the break down and phone throwing. It was after the threats to leave and the decision to stay. I sat down and wrote these things about how strong our love is and how much faith I have in us. And an hour or two later, I took them down and deleted every single post that was on my Tumblr. I was acting purely on emotion that day. I barely even knew what I was doing as I took down those posts, one by one. That night I wrote a heartfelt blog-post about my frustration with myself and my world.
That's when the change happened. That was when I started pulling away from him. It caused a few fights and the hurtful words that were said during those fights are what I have been clinging to to justify my behaviour. To justify my feelings. To block my fears and protect myself from him.
But the confusing part is that we do have problems, I have problems. I've been letting myself go again, mentally and physically. I don't want to live this life of poverty anymore. I want to move forward and I want to grow. I feel that I am being stalled, I feel that I'm giving up too much of the things that are important to me. One by one, I'm letting go of the pieces of the life I've been trying so long to build for myself.
So, this is all just stuff to ponder. I don't have a clear answer right now and, as we all know, if there isn't an absolute yes or a no, nothing changes until one appears. But I'm getting closer. And, if nothing else, I'm able to reach out and comfort him right now during this time of need. It's true: it is possible that he could die tomorrow. It is possible that he has a life-threatening illness and he will die soon. It is possible that everything is fine and he will live for another forty years. Nobody knows what will happen. All we can do is wait.
