If there is one thing that my age and life experience has taught me, it is that loving someone part way is a waste of time.
Is it possible to truly love and maintain a relationship in the long term if you only let the other person see some of you? And, more importantly, can you ever trust someone to love you completely if they don’t know what ‘completely’ entails?
I have spent the majority of my life loving with reservation. I showed what I thought people wanted to see and kept the rest tucked away until I was alone and safe. I didn’t feel I was good enough, strong enough, enough enough, to allow people to see me without condition. And I spent far too much time needlessly feeling unworthy and alone.
For the most part, I blamed the short-comings of my relationships on the other person. I thought they were supposed to care enough to strike down the walls I’d built around myself. I wanted them to fight for me, to work for me, to find a way to make me feel that I was worthy. Only then would I let my guard down. Someday.
Someday someone would put forth enough time and effort to win me, I expected. I didn’t realize, though, that I was waiting for them to work for something I kept hidden. I also spent so much time waiting for them to look inside me that I completely missed the fact that I was supposed to be looking inside them, too.
Things are different now. Now I know I will genuinely try to understand and be understood, even when it’s easier to pack up and run the other way. I will treat him with respect, consideration and kindness, because that is how I expect to be treated. I will allow myself to stumble and falter, and allow him to do the same. I will fall at his feet, I will expose the most vulnerable parts of me, so that he can open up to me too. Only then will we truly see each other. And only then will our love endure.
Now I am all in and loving without reservation. Partially because I have faith that, even if my heart gets shattered, I will survive. Partially because I see in him what I hope he sees in me. And partially because I finally understand that, if I don’t fully offer my heart to another, it will never be whole.
