Obviously there is good and bad in everyone, in every relationship. And, whether we acknowledge them or not, we all have our own absolutes that we can't live with or can't live without. Infidelity, dishonesty, religious beliefs, physical attributes; hell, according to Seinfeld, even the size of someone's hands can be enough reason to call the whole thing off.
I've been thinking about deal breakers lately. Some of my deal breakers in the past? Well, Karl was a jerk and with him I was someone I didn't like very much. Fabian couldn't love me; Ian couldn't like me. I couldn't stand what a pansy Rob was and the day I saw him interacting with his brothers was the day I knew without a doubt that I didn't want him in my life.
I haven't had any deal breakers with Jeff. It's been close, recently it was very close on a couple of issues but I'm hoping we can work them out. But there's one thing that we just can't seem to find a balance with. Affection.
It's not that I want him to be all over me all the time but do I really want to spend the rest of my life barely being touched? And I'm not talking about sex; our sex life is fine. Although even then, except for the rare oral foreplay, we barely touch anything other than genitals.
I need to be with someone I can hug, someone I can lean against and snuggle into in bed. I want to be kissed, I want a hand on my knee or a head in my lap, I want to be with someone who doesn't feel like it's a chore to put his arm around me or give me a kiss on the cheek. I guess what it really is is intimacy. You might want to say that he just doesn't want to let his guard down and I do hope it will get better in time. But what if it doesn't? What if what we have is all we'll ever have? And how long do I wait to find out? Honestly, the thought keeps me awake at night. Far too frequently for my liking. And I hate that fucking pillow.
