I'm stoned again. I like it. But I don't like it. My brain is going a million miles a minute and I can't turn it off. Not thinking anything particularly different or new, just uncontrollably jumping from one to another. This is why I was so good at Sudoku when I was stoned. I could think of an exceptional amount of things at the same time. That's why it's hard to get down to the problem at hand, isn't it? It's probably also why my other journals are barely readable. Because - What was I just thinking about?
Anyways, the problem with Jeff. I don't know. He's... there's something about the way he treats me sometimes. I wonder if he's subconsciously treating me the way he saw his dad treat his mom. Because we do that in fun, that's not him being the boss. It's both of us having a conversation and coming to a mutual understanding. Or not. The thing is I'm always the one who backs down. He flips out or... you know what? It'll work itself out. I do need to be more straightforward with him but it's going to take some easing into.
He says I'm always questioning him or something. Disbelieving. But I'm just disagreeing. That's what we do, we discuss. And it works out great most of the time.
But I don't want to be his mother and I certainly don't want him to be his father. Is it a lack of respect? Or is it insecurity that causes it? You know what? It truly doesn't matter.
I don't like his attitude. His blatant negativity. I don't care if you're grumpy sometimes but everything is not crap every time.
I don't like how he talks to me. I understand he's curmudgeonly... he's even prideful about it. But it frequently feels like it's directed toward me. Like I'm intentionally trying to bug him. Or I can never do enough. I speak when I shouldn't have or say something he didn't want to hear. He calls me names. I fucking hate that. I do that enough inside my own head. He's supposed to be the one to take those names away.
Like everything, though, it needs time. We are working toward something. Why do I feel afraid that he's not working toward the same things I am?
