There are moments that I really love him, there are moments that I really don't. But most of all and more often than anything, I kick myself for even getting involved in this whole thing.
Yes, it was my path. Yes, I needed to. Yes, yes, yes. I just wish I didn't.
Because when it gets right down to it? Even if the emotional / physical connecting was present. Even if the money was a possibility. Would I want to be here? I can't answer that for sure. But if I was forced, I'd have to say no.
There has to be something to the fact that I don't want him to meet my family or anyone I know. Is it just his teeth? Mostly. But is it also because I don't trust him not to be a complete dick? I don't know how he would be.
This is silly. I shouldn't be asking these questions about someone I thought I'd spend my life with. Yes, that was past tense.
A big part of this is how big I have become. How I'm allowing myself to swallow my feelings with a big bowl of ice cream or chips. How I'm constantly nauseated, how I want to vomit right now, just from thinking about this.
Put it all down on the table? I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I don't think I want to be with him. In the long term, I don't think I can be the person or live the life I want and need.
Why did I do this to him? How could I do this to him? How could I leave him now? And where would I go? And do I really want to start over somewhere else? Again? Jesus.
