A thought

The problem with living with an opinionated man is the tendency to listen. It's not so much that I take his opinions as my own - I've always been strong and level headed enough to make my own decisions. It's that you eventually start avoiding the things he has a strong opinion about because you just don't want to listen to it anymore.

Today I asked a simple question. He was watching a show about UFOs and I asked if he believed in them. And he went into a spiel that lasted an hour at least. The thing is that it always becomes about how he is so much better, so much smarter, knows so much more than anyone else; how everyone else is living their lives wrong; how the masses are idiots.

I'm all for opinions but I don't understand how someone with such strong thoughts and ideas can't see that others have equally strong thoughts and ideas. And his are not always automatically right. But he doesn't listen. No one else knows the way he knows.

The irony is that when he talks about other people's narcissism and/or closed mindedness, all he's saying to me is that he is closed minded and narcissistic. And that's just sad. For someone who is so intelligent, it is sad that he can't see beyond his own thoughts and ideas.

Another problem with living with an opinionated man is that you start avoiding things you like and want to do so you can avoid the conversation. I don't want to hear about how shitty my taste in movies and music is. It's what I like. I don't need to read your books, I don't need to feel the same way, I don't need to become anyone's shadow.

I need to stop doing that. I need to do what I want, go out when I need, move as much as I can, cook and read and listen and dance and pick my nose whatever way I want and if he has a problem with it he's going to have to find a way to deal with it.

It saddens me that I'm here again. This is where I was with Karl. But the difference is I don't need to run off and be alone. I need to be me, no matter where I am. He can do the running if he wants... I'm sticking.

Something in between

I don't understand you. You think you're so damn intelligent and I'm not denying that you have some smarts but in some ways you are downright stupid. Did you really think I would keep doing everything for you and not expect something in return, even the slightest gratitude? Do you honestly feel that turning into a basket case because I don't reply to a text but then ignoring me when you know I'm not out doing whatever it is that you think a whore like me does when you're not home is going to make me love you more? Is waking me up at 8am on fucking Sunday fucking morning to tell me I don't love you and I'm probably in love with someone else and asking if I am I going to leave you is really the way to make me want to stay? Do you think that not touching me, not letting me touch you, denying the fact that you don't touch me and then still not fucking touching me is what I'm looking for from you? You think I don't want that more than some fucking Valentine's gift? You live in some fucked up world in your head that has completely different rules that I don't understand but I'm supposed to figure it out myself and be the perfect woman at all times? Fuck you.
***

You know what, me? I think it is me. Last night I was wondering if maybe the reason I keep ending up with men like this is because I'm doing something wrong. And I am. I'm getting sucked in by words and bullshit and when I'm left here with my heart dangling off my sleeve by a thread I snip it and walk away. I so fucking want to walk away right now. When he gets on like this it drives me out of my fucking mind. But I'm not going anywhere today. I'm sticking this out for a while longer, if only because I don't have much of an alternative.

Goddammit, I can't believe I fucking did this to myself again. This is the last time, I'm telling you. The last time. The next man is going to give me some fucking respect and consideration and not be such a damn dick all the time. But he also won't be a wimpy sap. Something in between, I just want something in between.

Motherfuckingfuck

Fuck.

Prophesize this

He said I don't love him anymore because I didn't fold his underwear before I put them away. And because I stopped sending goodnight texts. And because I didn't want to put cream on his back yesterday. But apparently waking me at 8am on Sunday to tell me this and then blasting Family Guy on the bedroom TV will make it all better. Fuck me. Christ.

What happened?

Where did you go? What happened to the man I fell in love with? Is he still in there somewhere? Or did I make him up? I miss him and I want him to come back. But I'm not even sure if he exists anymore. And that's what scares me the most.

"That thing"

Love, Loss and What I Learned

This is a post I read on a website I discovered today. She talks about "that thing", that doubt that can creep into a relationship. This is what scares me most after the fighting Jeff and I did last week, especially the commitment talk. I'm afraid I will catch "that thing" again. And I don't know if there is a cure for it.

Happiness

The secret isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you get.