Uh-oh

Something is wrong. My heart is beating like crazy. And I don't mean I think something is physically wrong. More like this is the first time I've had this kind of panic attack sort of feeling since I was with Rob. And it's kind of freaking me out.

We had a few drinks tonight so maybe things are coming out that normally wouldn't bother me. Maybe I'm just being uber sensitive. But... I don't know. He's not very affectionate. He doesn't kiss me. I feel like it wouldn't matter if I was here or not. I mean, he says it would matter, he says he wants me here but there isn't any physical proof.

Anyway, I just made some gesture that made him question what I'm writing. I'll think about this a little more tomorrow. I'm sure it's nothing. I hope it's nothing. It better be nothing. I kinda want to throw up.

I have this problem

It's been an issue in every relationship I've ever had. I hope it doesn't become one now.

I don't care about shit. I don't need to make decisions. I'm generally cool with whatever the guy decides. Where we're going, what we're doing, what we eat, when we eat. I'll chime in with my opinion if I don't agree but, for the most part, whatever dude.

This has made some people try to take advantage of me. It's made others run for the hills because they think that I'm wimpy or desperate or something. It's probably irritated a few guys, too, because it kind of puts the pressure of decisions on them.

That's something I look for in a man, the ability to make the decisions. I just don't care. I mean, if I'm alone and ordering a pizza, I'll go ahead and order a pizza. If I'm with someone, just order the fucking pizza. I don't like olives, otherwise go crazy. What the fuck is the problem?

Maybe I'm being impatient. Maybe he doesn't think too clearly after three drinks. Maybe he can't take the pressure. Just order the goddamn pizza already because I'm starving and I'm not very nice when I'm hungry. It's 10pm for shits sake.

Edit: But maybe I should give him a break. Maybe I should back off and let him come to me. Yes, I am talking about a completely different issue now - please, try to keep up. But what if he doesn't come to me? Is that the problem? I love him, he loves me. It's time for me to give him a little credit, isn't it? I don't fucking know. Maybe I should turn off the computer when I'm drinking. Okay.

I'd really like to talk

about something other than Jeff for a change.

But I got nothing else to say.

What a loser.

Calling out to karma

Jeff is pretty confident that he'll get the job he interviewed for today. I'd like to call on karma, god, the powers that be and/or whomever is in control of this stuff to make it come true. Not just because it would be a great start for us financially -which it would- but because it would be a fantastic boost to his self-esteem. He needs this. We need this. I'm crossing every extremity, begging, hoping, praying and preparing to sell my soul. Damn, it would be really, really good.

Good answer

Today Jeff wrote a post saying that sometimes he still thinks about running away, just packing a bag and hitting the road. It upset me a little so I had to speak up.

Food feelings

I have often thought that one of the reasons I knew I shouldn't be with Rob was because I couldn't stop eating. I would leave his place in the evening and just pig out on anything and everything I could get my hands on. Of course, at the time I was constantly stoned - another sign, obv - so I blamed it on that. But then I stopped getting stoned and the eating got worse. When it got to the point that I would think about what I would eat while I was still with him or, worse still, when I would leave so I could go home and eat, I knew something was wrong. I was eating my feelings instead of feeling them.

It's an interesting habit and one I've practiced for as long as I can remember - although I didn't always know it and would never have admited it. It wasn't until I became so much more self aware that I realized that this was one of the ways I used food. Like a drug. To run, to hide, to avoid, to detach. Now it's a sign of underlying problems that I watch for.

When I started seeing Jeff again, I knew that it was right because food wasn't an issue or consideration. Even when I was upset I didn't feel the need to put the problems in my mouth. But something interesting happened the other day after I spent nearly two days with Jeff. I couldn't get enough to eat. Literally. And I recognized that I wasn't hungry, I just wanted to eat, munching from boredom and generally using it for something to do. My instant reaction was to analyze it: was something wrong, was I eating to cover something up? It's something that you can only see with time so I stuck a pin in it to review at a later date.

Then when I was with Jeff again? I didn't look for food at all. I ate for fuel, not for comfort. Had a normal amount of dinner. No snacks. No cravings. No thoughts about food.

That says a lot.

I totally need to break up with him. My pants are getting way too loose. JOKE! Fuckin' love, wah?

I think he likes me, too