I can't not feel this anymore. (I may or may not have purchased a philosophy book in the recent past.)

Alternate title: I may or may not be stoned right now.

Yeah, you guessed right. The glory and the doom walking hand in hand. The thing is? I can't feel it if I'm not stoned. Not this way. Not looking past everything and seeing... which brings me to my second point. I can't think or reason about it when I am stoned.

But let's give it a whirl! (I think the real reason I like writing this stuff down to myself is that I know when I'm reading it tomorrow I'll be busting a gut. Or at the very least thinking 'what a weirdo' or some variation of that word.)

My foster-sister, Lacey's grandfather passed away today. I feel that stuff to the core now. It hits me in a way it never had before. A woman I work with says it's because I'm still grieving Dad but, while I agree that may be true, I know I'd be feeling it anyway. I said to Mom that I wish I didn't know how this feels. But that's not completely true.

I have more patience now.  I have opinions and I I feel more. Not just deeper but more. Not just more frequently but for more people, in more ways. Funnily enough, I also need it less. Pot. Emotional breakdowns.

Whatev, Kev.

Okay where do I start?

I remember waking up one day and it hit me - it was me. All of my problems were me now. Officially. At the time I told myself I was kind of beyond caring on a grand scale but it was a pretty devastating realization, to be honest. A realization I didn’t want to even think about. But it put the question in my mind: is it me? Oh, shit, what if it’s me?

I was in my early thirties and had just bought my first home. I was winning. I was standing up for myself, finally living my own life the way I wanted to live it. I’d left  an unhappy relationship, severed the ties that were keeping us both away from what we really wanted. And, damn, life was going to be good.

I was working lots but it was stuff I wanted to do. I was making money but I was also very fulfilled in my work. I was depended on, responsible. I made enough to get professional facials every eight weeks and spend $200 on my hair. I was living my life, fooling around, excited to continue. I was old enough to know better but still young enough to do it if I wanted to. The reasons for being unhappy were gone now. I wasn’t trapped in a relationship that wasn’t making me happy. I was financially independent for the first time in my life. I was going to find the man of my dreams and be thin and quit smoking for good any day now. I believed in me and I believed life was amazing and I was going to rule the fucking world. (Excuse my french, Nanny!)

Oddly enough, I spent my first New Year’s in my new life on the floor of my closet. Why? You ask? Because, I don’t know. That’s just the way I did things. I would become a puddle, fall completely apart when life got overwhelming. But that’s not important right now.

Because I met him. The man I wanted to be with. Just like everyone said, one day he would just be there and he was. Online shopping for a relationship. I love online shopping, you get to pick every thing you want and just put in your order. Sometimes what you wanted is on back order and you have to wait a little while. Sometimes it’s really hard to find exactly what you want for the right price, the right size, and you have to go looking for it. Whatever the reason or season, I found him. And everything was going to be wonderful.

But it wasn’t. I fell apart again. Work went to shit, I didn’t want to do any of it. The bills were starting to pile up and I was struggling to keep them under control. I didn’t lose any weight. It was supposed to just fall off now because I had everything I ever wanted but it didn’t. I tried and failed and tried and failed. And I was sick of trying, sick of caring. I fucking hated my life. Eventually I started hating him, too. I was an idiot to think anything could ever work out. It was obvious. There was proof everywhere. What kind of idiot was I to not see it? And I’d lie in bed for a few days, shattered.

Eventually I’d accept my fate and pull myself together. I fixed what was wrong with work and it would get better. I started saving money and getting on top of my bills again. Decided I wanted to try again with the man I’d ordered and ask him to come back. And start the whole cycle again.

Life was going to be awesome, life was awesome, life really kind of sucked. Then it got good again. Then it got bad again. I tried and I tried and no matter what I did, I ended up alone and unhappy. No matter how much I tried, no matter how much I believed, no matter how much I tried, I always ended up at this point. When I was 15, throughout my teens, early twenties, mid-twenties, now my I’m 30 and my ‘I’m going to rule the world’ idiot that always got sucked into everything persona was finally dead.

Whatever was wrong with my life was inside me. It was me. No matter how much I believed, no matter how much I tried to fix it, no matter how much I did to make it all better, it was me. And it was bad.

Oh! I totally forgot to tell you!

We did it. I don't know how but something changed and things are going really good. This is what I was looking for... we are creating a solid foundation. And I love him and hope we spend the rest of our lives together. And I'm kind of floored that we got here.

Bitch

Yes, I'm here to complain again. Things are going great with Jeff and I, we really seem to have turned a major corner in our relationship and I'm so glad. Is that why I logged in here, though? No. I don't want to talk about good things, I want to bitch. But I actually don't want to bitch, I don't want to say anything. I'll shut up now. For a while. Weirdo.

"The Beginning is Near"

One way or your mother

Tonight he asked if I still want to spend my life with him. I said I don't know.

I don't know. Honestly, right now I'm closer to no. I wish we could work it out but I just don't think we can. I had such high hopes for us but now he just drives me up the wall.

They all drive me up the wall eventually, don't they? So maybe it is me. Maybe I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I think I'm okay with that. I know I won't be "alone". I'll date, I'll have sex, I'll have company. But maybe I won't get married and do things the way you're supposed to. Maybe I will. Who knows?

I'm struggling right now. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to hurt anymore, either. I can't keep fighting, I have no interest in continuing to put up with his selfish, self-centered ways... especially since he is no closer to recognizing he is that way. So what am I supposed to do? Move out on my own? Move back to Vancouver? Start again? Again??? I don't know.

The answer hasn't presented itself yet, which means I do nothing right now. Eventually I will know. Eventually there will be no question and life will fall into place, one way or another. I'll get there. I'm still moving forward.

And the struggle

between logic and emotion continues.

FML? Probably. Probably not. Just waiting for something to work itself out.