The struggle

When I was looking at Tumblr earlier, I was shocked to see someone that I've always liked and care about making an abomination of a choice. And it brought to mind what Jeff said in his post the other day about condoning someone's behaviour with my silence. Obviously this isn't my choice and it's not my place to tell someone else what to do with their lives but holyfuckingjesuschrist. Cause and affect are completely obvious in this situation. And that makes me very very sad.

So, do I continue to silently condone? Or do I unfollow? Let's look at it this way: if I was going through a terrible hardship in my life and someone who had always supported me through my ups and downs was to walk away just because they didn't agree with something they really didn't know anything about, how would I feel? But if I sit here in silence and don't take even the smallest stand for what I deeply believe in, what does that say about me?

Just sometimes

Sometimes I doubt that we are going to make this work. And that makes me sad because there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed. And I love him, I really really do. And, in his way, I believe he loves me. But he doesn't want to relinquish even the slightest bit of control. If he won't open the door, I fear soon I will stop knocking. And I fear even more that that's exactly what he wants.

Look around

I'm sitting in the living room of mine and Jeff's apartment. As I was writing the last post and stopped for a little teary break, I started to look around and something really caught my attention. There is nothing here that is mine. I have some books and dvds on one shelf of five. My throw blanket is on the back of the futon. That is it. Literally, in my home that is all that is mine. He says we bought pictures together but the truth is we only paid for them together, he picked them out. And everything else is his. And that's the way he likes it.

Deal breakers

Obviously there is good and bad in everyone, in every relationship. And, whether we acknowledge them or not, we all have our own absolutes that we can't live with or can't live without. Infidelity, dishonesty, religious beliefs, physical attributes; hell, according to Seinfeld, even the size of someone's hands can be enough reason to call the whole thing off.

I've been thinking about deal breakers lately. Some of my deal breakers in the past? Well, Karl was a jerk and with him I was someone I didn't like very much. Fabian couldn't love me; Ian couldn't like me. I couldn't stand what a pansy Rob was and the day I saw him interacting with his brothers was the day I knew without a doubt that I didn't want him in my life.

I haven't had any deal breakers with Jeff. It's been close, recently it was very close on a couple of issues but I'm hoping we can work them out. But there's one thing that we just can't seem to find a balance with. Affection.

It's not that I want him to be all over me all the time but do I really want to spend the rest of my life barely being touched? And I'm not talking about sex; our sex life is fine. Although even then, except for the rare oral foreplay, we barely touch anything other than genitals.

I need to be with someone I can hug, someone I can lean against and snuggle into in bed. I want to be kissed, I want a hand on my knee or a head in my lap, I want to be with someone who doesn't feel like it's a chore to put his arm around me or give me a kiss on the cheek. I guess what it really is is intimacy. You might want to say that he just doesn't want to let his guard down and I do hope it will get better in time. But what if it doesn't? What if what we have is all we'll ever have? And how long do I wait to find out? Honestly, the thought keeps me awake at night. Far too frequently for my liking. And I hate that fucking pillow.

Poop

Okay, well, I just opened this up because I wanted to talk about something but I can't seem to remember what that something was. I might be losing my mind. I might have already lost it. And it's kinda bugging me.

Surprise surprise

This isn't turning out the way I thought it would, he isn't the person I thought he'd be.

Remind me

Remind me of the time when I first moved to Newfoundland that I didn't think I'd survive it. How I cried so hard that I thought my head would explode. How a big part of me wished that it would. Remind me that I made it through, that things got better, that the hard times passed and, after a long long road, living there was actually pleasant. Oh, please... oh, please remind me. Because I don't know if I can make it through this.